Sunday, February 28, 2016

No more fuck boys in 2016

Adam is not handling the news well. I'm not smoking. I'm engaged. I don't want to hang out afterall. I crack a joke that may have hurt his feelings... Maybe I hit that adopted nerve, but his reaction took things too far. 

He says something around our coworkers hinting that something has happened between us. I am immediately angry. I don't know how to react or what to do with my face. The awkward statement hangs in the air and causes a weird silence that is suffocating. He's just looking at me like I know what he's talking about. I look at him confused, not because I don't know what he's hinting at, like I hope everyone else assumes, but because I don't understand where this is suddenly coming from and why the look on his face seems sentimental in a way and not malicious. I act like I don't really know what he's saying - most people usually don't, so I hope it works. I change the subject with a snarky remark that makes him look like a weirdo. I leave as quickly as possible. I'm fuming. 

I want to text him. I want to tell him stop trying to blow up my spot. Sorry you're the good luck chuck. You had a chance. You're not supposed to catch feelings like this. It obviously didn't mean anything, so stop acting like it was more than it was. I want to tell him he's being an asshole throwing this around now when I'm engaged and not immediately after it happened which would have been socially acceptable because me and the boyfriend were broken up. Throwing it around now makes me look like a whore when I'm fucking not

I devise a plan that if this spreads around, I will make him look pathetic. I'll say he tried to make out with me one night. That I wasn't interested. That he didn't handle it well. 

Only one of those facts is true: he's not handling it well. 

I decide not to text him. If he's hurting, it's his own doing. If he's upset with me, he has no right to be. And if I want to truly move past this, I have to leave it in the past. Plus, I suspect not talking to him about it makes it a little more annoying for him, and that's what I want to do to him at the moment. 

Fucking jerk. I hate fuck boys. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Surviving another day is not a bad way to live

Today was a strange, long day.

I went to the dentist; I bought some ingredients to make dinner; I did homework. I felt like I accomplished very little, but just existing today was exhausting. I needed to be more productive than I was. But after this weekend and with what I'm currently feeling, just getting through today without tons of crying or a binge and purge or buying and doing drugs was an huge ordeal that I barely survived.

I want to go to bed. I want to eat dinner and then go to bed. But I don't want to leave him alone feeling like this. And I still have a few things to check off my list before today is over. So, I'll watch our show and eat something and engage when I have to. Just because I know it's healing.

I am so emotionally drained and tired of working and trying. In the past, I would have done nothing except stay in bed today. But, I guess when you have more things counting on you in life and more things you want to do with your life, you don't get to have those days. And lately the pull of responsibility is stronger than the pull of depression. Instead of holing up and ignoring life, I just take in a little bit of life and handle the major things before I allow myself to fall apart or cry or sleep or withdraw.

Is that healthier? I hope so...

I want to get to tomorrow and my clients and see how their weeks have been. I want to go to class and focus on my future and not my present. I want to escape my situation at this current moment. I want to fast forward to change and progress. I want the man in the kitchen who can't even handle chopping a shallot to calm down and learn how to handle things and not resent me for trying to help him. I want him to feel comfort and happiness and capable. I want him to being to support me and not just burden me.

He's right. He has been putting too much on me in life. Too much that I need to release. I need to relinquish control. I need to let him make his own mistakes and sit back and watch and let things happen. I need him to be a whole person who is capable of being there for me. I feel I've handled all of this well. I've become so much stronger and healthier mentally over the past year of my life, it's not even funny. I still allow myself to feel my feelings and to engage in my thoughts, but I don't let anything break me. It's a nice change...

I feel capable. And in control. I feel like I can have anything I want in the whole world. And I feel like I can be full of love and compassion during the entire process.

"I want change AND..." It's such a nice perspective.

Monday, February 22, 2016

I won't settle

I long to be visited by three ghosts. The ghost of relationships past, the ghost of relationships present, and the ghost of relationships yet to come. 

I don't know what to do. Or where to go. I was so happy when he proposed, because I thought it meant no more games or threats to leave or questioning wanting me. I thought that moment meant commitment and a promise that now, no matter what happens, we work things out together as a team. There's no more possibility of walking away. But maybe that's not what he intended. Maybe he doesn't view things like I do. I think it's actually had the opposite effect. 

He's struggling so fucking hard with finding himself, and I'm tired of putting all my energy into that for him. I want him to support me in ways where he's not. And I know he's capable. So either do it or move aside so someone else can. 

This weekend was a bust, and as much as my soul felt peace and closure being in the mountains, it was not the pleasant experience I wanted and needed. 

I think traveling makes us reflect deeply on our feelings and our relationships and our place in the universe. I think free time makes us get in touch with ourselves. And some people only find unpleasant buried things when they do that. 

I'm not buying any more pot. I'm not medicating by drinking anymore. I want a healthy life that feels fulfilling that I actually really and truly experience without being in a fog. I want to experience my feelings and embrace them and express them and feel like a whole person. 

I want to love myself. Because no one can do that for me the way that I can for myself. I always thought the adage "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" was bullshit. And part of me still doesn't fully buy in. But I do think that you have to love yourself before you can be with another person. If you don't love yourself, then you don't have the necessary tools to survive a relationship. 

Today, I almost left him there. And I would not have felt bad. I felt that I love him more than he loves me and questioned every reverse scenario imaginable. With every name he called me and negative thing he said, I just felt more and more sorry for him. It didn't make me feel bad about myself. I know my worth. I know my capabilities and positive qualities and who I am. I'm amazing. People love me. And if this man can't do it the right way, then the problem is him and not me. 

I help people. They thank me for it. No one else in the world resents it except him. And he does because he feels so inadequate and incapable. But there comes a time when there are no more excuses. The only thing that holds us back in life is ourselves. 

It's time for him to choose being a loser or choose to rise above all odds. I don't want to settle. And I won't. I'm 29 today. And I know what I want and who I am. I'm going to get it with hard work and determination and patience. I'm an amazing woman. I won't settle. 

Thursday, February 11, 2016


I had a long, exhausting, emotionally draining day. It ended with a binge and purge and lots of justifying. 

I have a shit load of homework this week. Almost too much. I don't know how I'm going to get it all done over this weekend at work... Tomorrow night I'll need to do a lot and Monday and Tuesday. I'm low on time for things to be honest. 

And all I really want to do lately is be home with the lover boy and not leave the nest. 

I love him too much. 

It's weird when another person holds so much of you. I love it but it scares me. 

A lot of life scares me. Especially when it feels like it's going good. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Jumbled needs and stress

Migraines all weekend. I don't know why. I think I'm stressed. I feel like I have 1,000 things to worry about every day. 

I need my weight to go down. I need my grades to go up. I need more time and money. I need the mountain rain to go away. I need people to act like real friends, stop asking me to run their lives, and stop trying to bang me. I need my family to be happy and healthy and anyone preventing that to back the fuck off. I need my clients to get better along with myself. 

I need easy and comfort and peace. 

Tomorrow I have a lot to do. Well, every day this week. I have a feeling February is going to go by rather quickly. 

Let's hope I survive with a lower weight intact. 

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Weight ramblings and Adam revelation

This weekend we had to go to my parent's house, so eating could have been a terrible, awful thing. It turned out okay, however. I ate differently than everyone else did. I didn't have pancakes or nachos or a lot of other things, but I had bites here and there of things I wanted.

My mom's scale is a couple pounds lighter than mine. It was weird to get so excited/agitated/annoyed by that like back in the day.

Adam annoys me. He's just so... Rehearsed and not genuine. Not spontaneous or risky... Wow, that's so it. He doesn't take risks. He doesn't leave his comfort zone, ever... Nothing is worth it enough for him to do so. How sad... It's quite pathetic really. To be so alone and stuck. Stuck because you're too scared to feel hurt. The last one must have hurt him very much... Makes me want to talk to him about it. I might actually text him...

Anyway, today's eats, for old times sake:
B: Oatmeal with blueberries.
L: Cabbage slaw with chicken.
D: Creamed spinach.
S: Almonds, bite of cake, couple chips, couple pieces candy.
Total: Acceptable.

Tomorrow is homework go time!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Me, currently.

I've lost some weight.

I'm down 3lbs in the past couple days, actually. I want MORE tho... I want 20. It seems like such a small number, considering some people have way more to lose in the world, and I lost 50 when I was severely ED... But it feels difficult and like a monstrous number at the moment. I haven't been that low in a very long time, but I need and want it. I want it by my birthday on the 22nd, honestly, but I will settle on even 10 less by then. It's going to be cold, and I'll be bundled most of the time, but I also have my Mexico bikini I never got to wear, and I would love to rock that in the hot tub and not have a million rolls to deal with.

I am trying to take baby steps with my current weight loss process. It's tempting to dive full-force into ana and mia not eating, but I am trying to break my cycle of ED behavior. My weight yo-yo over the past decade is not healthy, and I feel my body having physical issues because of it. I don't think my body will ever be able to lose that kind of weight again, honestly... I don't think a 50lb loss would even be possible, and I'm not as heavy as I was when I first began this process in my life. I think ana and mia are not as effective currently as they used to be, because my body in on to their tricks and fights back.

However, I found a diet that seems to be working. It has calories a little higher than I normally consume, but the approved foods and choices are not only things I enjoy, but also very balanced for health. It's low low in carbs, but after my birthday, I can add a few safe ones back in appropriately. I told myself I would stick to it for as long as it works, and when it stops being effective, I will incorporate exercise and continue with the healthy balanced eating habits. I do like the structure of it currently, though.

Baby steps planned:
1.) Stick to current diet until bday.
2.) After bday, add carbs.
3.) Incorporate exercise 3x a week whenever ready or weight loss hits a plateau.

I started a food journal on actual paper to assist me as well. It's risky if the boyfriend finds it, but I feel like I need it for me. Every day I write the date and my weight from my morning weigh-in on the top, list my foods and calories, and when it gets late and I want to binge, I pull it out and write a little list of a few reasons why I shouldn't. I then have a little check box at the bottom and the next day, if I managed to get through the night without any episodes, I give myself a check mark.

So far, it helps me a lot to have awareness of my calories, and also not to binge... I always binge at night. The usual cycle is not eating all day, coming home, smoking loads of pot, and binging, sometimes purging. It causes me stomach issues, sleeping issues, and weight issues, just to name a few. I have to break this cycle of severly unhealthy behavior if I have any hopes of looking or feeling healthy.

But, not the pot. I need that to cope, currently... Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to cut back or stop for a bit, because it is affecting my lungs, but right now is not that time.

I feel somwhat overwhelmed with everything in my life at the current moment... The boyfriend is having work/identity issues, the kids and their mom have created a lot of drama recently, and school is hard to keep up with. Plus, I feel like I'm letting my job down a lot recently, and I'm starting to almost want to leave. I'm tired of it. The industry, the people, my co-workers, all of it... I need a change of pace for how I make money, and I know it's on its way with school, but... It feels further off than I know it actually is.

I had to literally shove everything aside and focus on me lately, and that's not easy. I skipped class a few times, decided not to charge ahead and take the lead on my group project, and have taken time to just be lazy when needed. I was starting to feel physical affects of all the drama and engaging in bad behaviors to cope... I had to tell myself last night that a couple B's on my degree won't fucking kill me, and 9 classes with A's is already a huge accomplishment. The bottom line is I will be getting my degree, and I'm a damn good counselor. I'm good at it, and I love it, and I get excited for every moment of my future where I get to do it and get paid instead of paying for it.

I don't want to do certain things anymore... I don't want to binge and purge and drink heavily and take pills. The pot is enough, and even that makes me feel a bit guilty.

I need to be more aware of what I need and give those things to myself in the moment instead of waiting until I'm at a breaking point.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016


It's been two and a half years since I blocked Bird and moved on... And somehow, I still miss him. I think about him far more than I care to admit. 

Jenn seeing him this week and telling me about his life made me miss him a crazy amount all over again. There's a knot in the pit of my stomach as I write this. I just heard the words "he and Paula broke up" echo through my brain as she continued telling me why. Over and over, "He and Paula broke up. He and Paula broke up..." 

I contemplate texting him. I contemplate hanging out at the bar next to his job a few nights just to see if he shows. I contemplate what I would say to him and how it might play out. Then I contemplate why I stopped talking to him in the first place and why I was so angry at the time. 

I was angry because I loved him. But I knew that love would never do either of us any good. It hadn't in almost two years. It could never evolve into being in love because we would never give it a chance to for so many reasons. So, what good was it to love him? We had crossed lines you can't cross back over. He had a piece of my heart and I his, but those pieces were not big enough to replace the other person who had a bigger piece already. 

Now hearing that the person who had his big piece gave it back doesn't really change anything, but that small little voice in the deepest corners of my mind whispers to me, "What if...He and Paula broke up..." 

I wish I could see him. Just for one night to see how he would react. What he would say. How I would feel. 

Then the little voice in my head reminds me how fat I am compared to the last time he saw me, and I realize how much I really do just hate myself sometimes. 

In a perfect world, I would be thin and young and pretty again and we would have a night like old friends so I could feel like something so dear to me ended on loving terms instead of in a blaze of raw emotion. 

I wish we were able to just do and say the things we felt like in this life. I wish it was never a bad thing to feel love for another person. 

I wish I could see him one last time. 

Monday, February 1, 2016


I wish I did not behave the way that I do sometimes...

Talking to James today made me realize that I have been working myself too hard. I'm so worried about paying bills and buying things and student loans and working that I'm literally working myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. I have a lot of responsibilities and a small, slightly less than able support system. James knew when he said I am "more capable than most." It's true. I am strong, but the bad thing is that when I begin to weaken, I grow very very weak.

Today I have a lot I could and should do, but I'm making myself take a little breather and get quality relaxation, which hasn't been happening lately. Somewhere along the way in the past couple months, I just stopped taking care of myself. In fact, I started treating myself very badly... My compensations are to binge and hate myself and pull away from people and drink and do drugs. I have to stop that. Lately, it's all I've been doing.

It's a strange two-edged sword that my source of strength and also frustration comes from people. I sometimes think I could be a recluse or a hermit and buy a little cabin in the woods and live alone like the aunt in one of my favorite middle-school-aged books. I go out into the world and literally feel disdain for everyone around, listening to their woes and complaints. It gets to the point where I feel selfish being there and not actually mentally being there. Being apathetic is not like me, but it also is... I get drained and can't handle all the bullshit everyone has going on. I pull away. I retreat. Then, suddenly, I see someone or talk to them or re-connect after awhile, and I remember that I do have good friends. I see the good side of a person, and I remember why I don't actually hate anyone... I feel re-energized. When literally the day before the same people were not a source of energy, but draining what little I had left.

I need to develop balance with this. I need to realize who is important and helpful to my life and who I don't owe anything to or need to help. I need to say no more often to the wrong people and yes more often to the right ones.

I am fat. But I do no want to binge today, so that it already a step in the right direction.