Thursday, February 4, 2016

Me, currently.

I've lost some weight.

I'm down 3lbs in the past couple days, actually. I want MORE tho... I want 20. It seems like such a small number, considering some people have way more to lose in the world, and I lost 50 when I was severely ED... But it feels difficult and like a monstrous number at the moment. I haven't been that low in a very long time, but I need and want it. I want it by my birthday on the 22nd, honestly, but I will settle on even 10 less by then. It's going to be cold, and I'll be bundled most of the time, but I also have my Mexico bikini I never got to wear, and I would love to rock that in the hot tub and not have a million rolls to deal with.

I am trying to take baby steps with my current weight loss process. It's tempting to dive full-force into ana and mia not eating, but I am trying to break my cycle of ED behavior. My weight yo-yo over the past decade is not healthy, and I feel my body having physical issues because of it. I don't think my body will ever be able to lose that kind of weight again, honestly... I don't think a 50lb loss would even be possible, and I'm not as heavy as I was when I first began this process in my life. I think ana and mia are not as effective currently as they used to be, because my body in on to their tricks and fights back.

However, I found a diet that seems to be working. It has calories a little higher than I normally consume, but the approved foods and choices are not only things I enjoy, but also very balanced for health. It's low low in carbs, but after my birthday, I can add a few safe ones back in appropriately. I told myself I would stick to it for as long as it works, and when it stops being effective, I will incorporate exercise and continue with the healthy balanced eating habits. I do like the structure of it currently, though.

Baby steps planned:
1.) Stick to current diet until bday.
2.) After bday, add carbs.
3.) Incorporate exercise 3x a week whenever ready or weight loss hits a plateau.

I started a food journal on actual paper to assist me as well. It's risky if the boyfriend finds it, but I feel like I need it for me. Every day I write the date and my weight from my morning weigh-in on the top, list my foods and calories, and when it gets late and I want to binge, I pull it out and write a little list of a few reasons why I shouldn't. I then have a little check box at the bottom and the next day, if I managed to get through the night without any episodes, I give myself a check mark.

So far, it helps me a lot to have awareness of my calories, and also not to binge... I always binge at night. The usual cycle is not eating all day, coming home, smoking loads of pot, and binging, sometimes purging. It causes me stomach issues, sleeping issues, and weight issues, just to name a few. I have to break this cycle of severly unhealthy behavior if I have any hopes of looking or feeling healthy.

But, not the pot. I need that to cope, currently... Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to cut back or stop for a bit, because it is affecting my lungs, but right now is not that time.

I feel somwhat overwhelmed with everything in my life at the current moment... The boyfriend is having work/identity issues, the kids and their mom have created a lot of drama recently, and school is hard to keep up with. Plus, I feel like I'm letting my job down a lot recently, and I'm starting to almost want to leave. I'm tired of it. The industry, the people, my co-workers, all of it... I need a change of pace for how I make money, and I know it's on its way with school, but... It feels further off than I know it actually is.

I had to literally shove everything aside and focus on me lately, and that's not easy. I skipped class a few times, decided not to charge ahead and take the lead on my group project, and have taken time to just be lazy when needed. I was starting to feel physical affects of all the drama and engaging in bad behaviors to cope... I had to tell myself last night that a couple B's on my degree won't fucking kill me, and 9 classes with A's is already a huge accomplishment. The bottom line is I will be getting my degree, and I'm a damn good counselor. I'm good at it, and I love it, and I get excited for every moment of my future where I get to do it and get paid instead of paying for it.

I don't want to do certain things anymore... I don't want to binge and purge and drink heavily and take pills. The pot is enough, and even that makes me feel a bit guilty.

I need to be more aware of what I need and give those things to myself in the moment instead of waiting until I'm at a breaking point.

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