Monday, February 1, 2016


I wish I did not behave the way that I do sometimes...

Talking to James today made me realize that I have been working myself too hard. I'm so worried about paying bills and buying things and student loans and working that I'm literally working myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. I have a lot of responsibilities and a small, slightly less than able support system. James knew when he said I am "more capable than most." It's true. I am strong, but the bad thing is that when I begin to weaken, I grow very very weak.

Today I have a lot I could and should do, but I'm making myself take a little breather and get quality relaxation, which hasn't been happening lately. Somewhere along the way in the past couple months, I just stopped taking care of myself. In fact, I started treating myself very badly... My compensations are to binge and hate myself and pull away from people and drink and do drugs. I have to stop that. Lately, it's all I've been doing.

It's a strange two-edged sword that my source of strength and also frustration comes from people. I sometimes think I could be a recluse or a hermit and buy a little cabin in the woods and live alone like the aunt in one of my favorite middle-school-aged books. I go out into the world and literally feel disdain for everyone around, listening to their woes and complaints. It gets to the point where I feel selfish being there and not actually mentally being there. Being apathetic is not like me, but it also is... I get drained and can't handle all the bullshit everyone has going on. I pull away. I retreat. Then, suddenly, I see someone or talk to them or re-connect after awhile, and I remember that I do have good friends. I see the good side of a person, and I remember why I don't actually hate anyone... I feel re-energized. When literally the day before the same people were not a source of energy, but draining what little I had left.

I need to develop balance with this. I need to realize who is important and helpful to my life and who I don't owe anything to or need to help. I need to say no more often to the wrong people and yes more often to the right ones.

I am fat. But I do no want to binge today, so that it already a step in the right direction.

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