Saturday, July 30, 2016

Good day for me but not the whole world

Today's intake:
Egg whites - 30 cals
Veggies - 80 cals
Tamale - 200 cals
Apple - 40 cals
Tomatoes - 10 cals
Chicken - 150 cals
Pop - 50 cals
Total: 560 = Glorious

Last night was fucking rough... I fasted the entire day yesterday - not one single bite of solid food. I had coffee and tea and allowed myself one beer to try to fall asleep. The beer, however, did not help. I had insomnia like a motherfucker. I recalled with astute awareness last night, lying there wide awake, how difficult falling asleep always seemed to be during my skinnier days. I could NEVER fall asleep. I would lie there endlessly some nights unable to get my energy level to deplete or my brain to turn off. Today I read that this is normal for fasting behaviors or extreme dieting... wtf... It seems so backward to me. I deprive my body of food, so it stays awake demanding more but not conserving what it has. I remember in the past using benadryl to fall asleep with about a 60% success rate. I'm going to try melatonin tonight and see how it goes. Alcohol obviously had no effect last night.

I am annoyed with most of my friends at the moment. My three closest friends all have stupid boy drama to the point where I told Lolly today, "I know you're getting frustrated with my reaction, but how do you expect me to react to this, really? I'm not going to act supportive when I'm not, and I think we both know this is a bad choice." She conceded, but she's still going to make the bad choice.

Same with Lyn lately - running back to her husband because no other guys will date her at the moment. Because she's insane and so desperate to have a boy at all times she won't LET herself be single for more than a week. But in her marriage, she's cheated on him several times because she's so damn unhappy. And yes, I'm still upset about her slutty behavior during her visit...

And Jen has dropped off the face of the fucking earth since she started dating this pretentious new older guy who seems controlling... She always does that - gets sucked in and disappears only to resurface about 8 months later a blubbering mess discussing how unhappy she has been and how this new guy changed her. She's the queen of denial who ALSO needs a guy at all times. Most of her boyfriends overlap... 

And Ee... I don't even know where to start with him. He's come out as gay, but I truly believes he has a huge crush on me. He's been acting SO weird, and I just don't even know what to do with him. He is just so NEGATIVE all the time and complains about SO much that I just get over it. I started to distance myself just before he went on vacation, and his ten day absence has been nice, to be honest. But he's noticed. And he's started clinging a bit. And then a couple people have told me how much smack he's been talking lately and how my name comes up... I just want him to leave me alone lately, and I don't really know where that feeling is coming from, but it's there. He's just drama, and it's pointless, and he's miserably unhappy because he chooses to be that way every DAY, and I don't want to get sucked into it.

I just want to be left alone lately. I want to spend time with my fiance away from the drama of my workplace or friends. I think I need new friends... I. Need. New. Friends. There's the bottom line, I think, in reality. I have good ones who are loyal and faithful, and I know how rare that is and that I need to hold onto them because of this, but I just wish they weren't all so FUCKED up and childish sometimes. I mean, I know I'm fucked up also, but they drag me into scenarios where they come to me for advice and then complain about the negative consequences when they ignore it. I do not do that to people. I don't ask for advice in the first place because I'm a goddam grow ass woman and don't need any. And I don't want to keep telling people, "I told you so" all the fucking time. It's getting old, and so are they. It's time to grow up or leave me out of it...

But, alas, I'm going to set my head on my pillow and see what happens.

Think thin, lovelies.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

FML is all I've been thinking

I am going to fast today. I am going to fast today.  I am going to fast today.

I binged last night. It was gross. I couldn't stop. I did fantastic all day, but then I let myself have a glass of wine and a joint, and I FUCKED it up... I don't think I can smoke anymore. It makes me eat. It makes my inhibitions too low, and I fuck things up. I need to use it as a reward for losing and not a daily routine.

I need to work out more instead. Daily. I need to get my body in shape.

I had a dream last night that the fiance and I were at the beach, and there was this perfect blonde girl in a black bikini and he was checking her out. That could be me if I just fucking worked a little harder. I can be Jeane... I can be hot. I just need to make myself get there. I need to focus. I am going to hate my entire wedding and honeymoon if I don't get myself ready, and I KNOW it.

Bri's wedding is in a couple months. I want to be thin by then. I want to be way more fit.. And I CAN DO IT. I JUST NEED TO DO IT.

The plan:
  • Morning workout before shower for 15 mins daily.
  • Under 1,000 cals a day, and goal is under 650.
  • One fast day a week.
  • For every 5lbs lost, I get a glass of wine and a joint, and then back on track.
I really can make it work if I stop being such a fucking fat bitch.

Escape

Sometimes I question what it would be like to run away.

I long to live simply. To pack a small bag and take my small self out into the big wilderness for a time. I want to live with basic necessities and no expectations from anyone in the universe. I want to feel the earth and water and wind and fire. I want to go on a soul searching journey.

I want to disconnect from electricity. From business. From everything placed on me by modern society. I want to escape.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Thin, please

I ate just enough today to keep myself going. The scale was kind this morning. My classmate asked if I had lost weight. The cashier at the gas station looked at me with disdain and asked if I wanted some chips. I could have done better, but I know I'll get there. My brain runs a million miles an hour. It's time for my body to do the same. 

I want to be thin. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Hungry

Today I had a cup of coffee, some
Shiritake noodles with meat sauce, some watermelon, and a few bites of miscellaneous things. 

I didn't eat a bite until 8pm. 

I want it back. All of it. All of the ED. 

My body is the only thing in my life that holds me back. It's the only thing I'm unhappy with at the moment. It's the only thing I can't fucking stand that causes me anxiety and depression. 

I can remember a time when losing 5 pounds would take a week tops. I need to find that motivation again. I am fat and gross right now. I need to be skinny for me and him and the whole world. 

I'm hungry. It's 3am and I need to go to sleep. I want to feel hungry forever. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Blah

I had such a bad hangover today that I skipped out on group and class. I don't even feel guilty... 

I need to stop drinking. My body can't handle it. I didn't even feel like I got that shitty last night... I still feel like garbage. Also I don't really fucking enjoy myself when I go out and get fucked up. I want to stay home with my man and not be out with the crazies. 

I got a lot done today beyond it. I feel guilty about skipping and fucking lying my way through 2/3 of my paper but I'm still a work in progress... One day I won't even remember today or last night or anyone or anything I think is important in this current moment. 

I just need balance. More of it. I need to be stricter with routines and schedule free time instead of stealing it from days I should be out hustling to get ahead. 

I am lucky he loves me... His snores next to me before bedtime are musical. I just hope the random short calls at 2am aren't anything sketchy and that the chicks he talks to in his game aren't anything either. I fucking worry a lot. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Adam and Lonely

So, my life lately...

Adam will not leave me the FUCK alone. I don't get wtf his goal is at this point, but I haven't spoken a word to him in over three weeks... He just harasses me at work.

His behaviors include:
Approaching Mike while I'm talking to him and saying, "Oh, hey Mike, is Cally training you?"
Telling Leslie while I'm within earshot that a coworker is not speaking to him and upset with him.
Coming over to my table and picking up my paperwork and looking at it and then looking at me and walking away.
Saying things to me directly, including calling me by name, in passing. 

And lots more... Yesterday he was hanging around a lot. I could tell he wanted to talk to me, but I continued with the silent treatment. I told Lolly last night that as much as this annoys me, it's also kind of flattering. I told her the Saturday night we all went out was kind of crazy because I was sitting there drunk, watching him drink, watching him fidget and knowing it would be extremely easy to get him to invite me over and fuck him. I obviously didn't do that, but seeing his behavior lately and knowing that he's upset by how this played out is downright intoxicating. 

Then tonight we got into it. Like kind of bad. He was running his mouth, being a dick, threw away my fucking food. I called him out, got confrontational, talked about him to a select few people, and called it a night. I stopped to get gas on the way home and he was fucking THERE. Like wtf, universe. I parked right next to him unknowingly, but sped off when I saw him inside. I contemplated hitting him with my car for a split second. 

I want to quit my job. Badly. Next semester is going to be a huuuuge amount of hours that I have to put into school, and I am just tired of the people there. I'm loving having clients so much that I want to only do that... I hate the fucking drama at my job right now. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm getting a little burnt out with school also right now, but I just keep reminding myself that it's almost over.

I'm feeling depressed lately. And I realized it's because I haven't had fun in a while. I have no free time. I have too much homework and too much responsibility to function normally at the moment. Plus stress over money and various other things...

And I miss my fiancé. Even now, I'm at home while he's at work. Lately there's a lot of such scheduling, and it's annoying. It makes me worry. And lonely. 

I feel really lonely right now... I can't really take the time to hang out with coworkers or friends lately, and the fiancé is not home... It's just me and my fucking homework and then off to a job with assholes that I hate. It's not quality personal time with anyone... And the only ones I really want that with are my family and fiancé and stepkids. I was hoping my brother would come visit this weekend, but he's not... So Monday will be lonely also. 

I'm annoyed with everything right now.