Monday, March 30, 2009

Quick quick!

Training is almost over... I should find out my schedule today or tomorrow.

BUT today's a DOUBLE for me.

I have to go shower to leave... Still up two pounds, but not freaking out about it... My uniform for work is too big... I'm gonna have to alter it myself.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Busy Little Bee!

SO sorry ladies!

I have been working EVERY day from 8am - 5:30 pm. And this week is going to be HELL, so please don't expect too many updates from me! (Especially since I go to work before the BF and get off after.)

My intake has been ALL over the place... With being so busy and never home, it's hard to control what I eat because I can't bring a lunch, and I've been forced to eat what they offer us at lunch time because we've been doing wine tastings after. SO I can't skip lunch (plus I've already made friends who I want to fit in with) because I would get SO sick, and I don't want to be known as "the girl who puked during training from all the wine." Augh. We've had so many tastings back to back to the point where we were all getting drunk off our asses. (One sip per glass x 30 glasses!) SO my cals have been way higher than I would have liked... I've only gained about 2 pounds, and I realize I can lose that in basically no time, but I still feel like SHIT about it... Once my job officially starts and training is over, it won't be as bad, but it sucks right now!

However that aside, I adore my new job... It's going to be AMAZING, and I've already met SO many new people I can see myself becoming friends with and have already discussed outside of work activities with a few people... Yay! Ha ha! Doesn't take much to excite me.

SO I was a total stalker the other day and took pics of this girl in Starbucks... (I was waiting for the BF to pick me up after my first day at my job.) She was fabulous... These pictures don't even reveal how gorgeous and thinspirational she was. *sigh*

I have to run yet again ladies! Break time's over! I'll try to at least read/comment soon!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Down another pound!

It's crazy that I'm losing so much lately... I must have definitely need a metabolism boost.

The BF and I are getting ready to go grocery shopping, and I'm excited! LOL!

I didn't eat any more last night... I just didn't feel like it... I think I'm actually beginning to be anemic... I looked up the symptoms, and I have all of the "beginning stages" symptoms. SO I'm going to buy some vitamins at the store today... I don't want to start looking all washed out and have to go to the hospital here... Then my secret will REALLY be out.

But anyway... Here's today's snippet of thinspo... One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong... I can't get off the Chloe Marshall thing... I can't believe she was a FINALIST. She's freakin' obese... Plus, every woman in the world would rather be the girl in front of her, and every guy would rather do the girl in front of her, no matter how much they lie.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


SO, last night was a HIGH intake evening... Which sucked because I was planning to be strict, but I ate a LOT. And bad stuff... I'm not even going to list it because it was horrendous, and I'm ashamed...

But then, I woke up this morning and had lost a pound??? Yes. Indeed. I think I needed a metabolism boost, and most of what I ate was protein, but it was crazy... I pigged out and didn't purge because I was just so HUNGRY... I didn't work out all day either...

But maybe it's good to have a day like that every once in a while??? I think my metabolism needs it like once every two weeks... It seems like I do it anyway (Last time was March 5th), and it boosts my weigh loss the week after... Is this possible???

Anyway... Here's today intake:
Egg White (2) 34
Tomato 12
Onion 9
(I sauteed the vegs and added chopped up hardboiled egg whites and some salt. Good breakfast!)
B Total: 55

Jello 10
Bites 25
(Bites = bites of the BF's veggies on his plate! LOL! I was going to have soup, but I didn't like it when I had a bite.)
L Total: 35

Radishes 2
Lettuce 12
Onion 10
Green pepper 4
Dressing 8
(For dressing I mixed pineapple juice (8 cals a TBSP) and Red Wine Vinegar (0 cals a TBSP!) and some garlic powder... Good but a bit harsh... Needed oil, but not on a 200 day!)
D Total: 36

Cough Drops 30

Total for the day: 156

Today is my 200 day... I think I'll eat some crackers in a min to get up to that... Though I may need more cough drops... (freakin' 15 cals a drop!) We slept with the window cracked last night, and my throat has been SO sore all day... Sucks. I had some green tea (0 cals!) but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped...

But alas...

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day! SO excited because I have REALLY been doing my research on substitutes for things I have been missing, and I know what I'm buying for the most part. Does anyone have a pasta alternative??? And does anyone have a low-cal bread they eat??? Lemme know, girls!

But that aside...

I went hiking as my workout today... WHAT a workout! It was a really nice day out, and the BF has the next couple days off, so we went. We had a lot of fun together... I'm in SUCH a better mood when he's home... I'm getting SO sick of just being home alone all day lately... I'm SO ready to start working... Only a couple more days...

AND, I know this is an old story and all, but check this link out. Scared of bikinis? You have nothing to worry about compared to this girl...
And yes, that last comment's mine. Ha ha! That shit just PISSES me off, for REAL.

Anywho, here's is some thinspo... Sarah Larson... The girl who dated George Clooney and was a no-one before and then all of a sudden was a model... Not that she didn't deserve to be a model... She's thintacular... And I LOOOVE THIS DRESS!

Friday, March 20, 2009


SO, the scale this morning reads 136... Totally okay with that.

Lost the period water weight, had a BM, and that means I only gained a pound on my "binge-like-a-maniac" weekend. And that only gives me more determination to lose more!

Yesterday's intake was FAB.
B: Apple
L: 4 bites of chicken stew.
D: Grilled Chicken Mexican salad at this place the BF and I like to go to.

I was trying not to waste cals throughout the day so I could enjoy my dinner, and BOY did I enjoy it. The salad is amazing there.

PLUS, we had an AMAZING time! I called the BF at work and asked him if he wanted to go out because I'm trying to eat better, and I know their stuff is fresh and yummy and good, and he likes to go on Thursdays because they do 3 beers for $3. (I know... Insane carbs.) And he was like, "I'll invite the girl I work with and her husband." Because we have absolutely no friends here yet, and it's saddening... SO, he did, and they couldn't go, BUT two of the people that come into the office where he works were there and he invited them, and they said sure. They too are new to this area and don't really have any friends...

And we had a GREAT time. We were laughing SO hard and talked until they basically kicked us out of the restaurant. It was SO nice to be around PEOPLE again. I'm a social person and living here has produced no friends so far. Fuck, I don't even need friends... I just need people I can go out with who I have a little something in common with. And statying in this house waiting for my job to start while the BF has our only car is not a great way to meet people...

SO it was nice to have some social interaction. And some good food. Ha ha!

But anyway... On to today.

Right now I'm drinking some grapefruit juice I personally squeezed - 70 cals.

AND yesterday I had a revelation... I really like eggs, but one large egg is 70 cals, and normally that's about all I allow myself for breakfast. And we all know that egg whites are much less (17 cals for a large egg egg white) And I've tried the egg white omelet before, and I'm not a fan... Scrambled egg whites, ew. BUT I absolutely love hard boiled eggs, and when I boil them, I don't even LIKE the yolk (unless it's deviled of course, but I can't do that!) so VOILA! One egg white, hard boiled = 17 cals of yummy. This is also going to be nice for salads, snacks, meat fill-ins, whatever... I'm excited about my egg whites. LOL!

Yeah, I'm lame. But whatever...

I don't know if I'm going to do a hardcore work-out today because I am freakin' beat from the past few days'.. I'm SO sore. And if I push it too hard and pull something before I start my job (Tuesday!!!) I'm going to be in TROUBLE... So we'll do an easier one... Probably for a longer period of time.

BUT, I'm going to run. Some thinspo... I kind of know this girl... Like I have a friend who knows her... And I have no idea if she had an ED or not, but she lost a LOT of weight from high school to Senior year of college. Quite inspiring to me... Click it for a better view.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Up, down, up, down

I don't know WHAT is going on lately, but my weight jumps up and down every DAY lately...

Down 5 lbs one day.

Then up.

Then down.

Then up.

And it's not my scale because I weighed myself repeatedly to get these numbers... What the HELL!? My intake has been pretty decent since the parents left, and I've been working out like every day... HOW can it jump up and down FIVE pounds every day!?!?!? It's honestly scaring me.

Maybe it's a BM problem... Come to think of it I haven't had one since yesterday morning...

SO... Maybe 1st gain period/water weight, second gain, lack of BM???

I'm lost... Someone help me.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Fast Broken, but Not Me!

SO, I had to break my fast yesterday because the BF was getting HIGHLY suspicious... I honestly don't see how I'm ever going to be able to skip dinner as long as we're together... He was quizzing me on what I'd eaten, what I was planning on eating... I'm a terrible liar on the spot, so I just had a salad with chicken and light sour cream instead of dressing. Not too bad... Put my day really low still, of course, so I'm content.

PLUS I stepped back on the scale this morning, and I'm back down to 15lbs off total, 5 more to go to GW #1! I think maybe it was water retention weight from my period??? I'm not sure exactly. I mean, I ate like SHIT while the fam was here, but can you gain 6lbs in 3 days? And then lose it in 1??? I don't think so. SO I'm attributing 5lbs to water weight, 1lb gained to eating absolute SHIT for 2 days, and 1lb lost to barely eating yesterday.

However you slice it, I'm happy it's gone. Now only 5 more to go... I can do that in 2 weeks, max.

I had an egg with scallions for breakfast (I'm going to say that was 60 cals because I successfully managed to burn about half of it to the pan because I forgot to use the non-stick one...) And I'll probably have 1/2 a serving of chicken for dinner with vegs and then an apple for lunch, perhaps??? Probably. Dinner should be 100 cals, so I'll have 40 for lunch.. Celery probably. In about an hour I'm going to go down to the gym, and here in a minute I'm going to clean the house... Those dishes are driving me nuts.

In other news... (And this is EXTREMELY exciting news!!!)

The BF has the ring.

Oh yes. You heard right. The BF has THE ring.

My mom spilled the beans and then my brother said it was beautiful and I will love it. AND the BF the other day asked me about white gold (I don't wear yellow gold EVER.) and if I was allergic to gold or if I just didn't like it, blah, blah, blah, so I was suspicious already... I knew he was thinking about it, we've talked about it a few times, but I wasn't convinced that he actually had it... Thought maybe he had just PLANNED things because he's a major putter-offer... But I checked the bank account, and there was a massive withdraw from the ATM.

AND it's somewhere in this damn house, and you have no IDEA how hard it's been not to go looking for it!!! SO now it's just a matter of time, bitches! My man really loves me! Do you know how exciting that is??? Now we'll see if he has the spunk to propose well... This is the major test. Ha ha!

I haven't even told my best friend yet though because it hasn't actually HAPPENED, you know? Don't congratulate me yet! He still may realize he's too amazing for me...

But this knowledge of engagement rings may be too much for my subconscious because I had a VERY realistic dream last night about GIVING BIRTH. Oh my GOD it was weird...
And that is a LONG way off. And not a possibility at the present time because not only am I currently ON my period, but the BF and I haven't had sex in like 2 weeks because of my damn breakthrough issues this month.

Sorry. I'm just a little pent-up. Ha!

But I'm off ladies... Good luck today with whatever you are in to!

Wedding thinspo... Seems appropriate!

Her arms are gorgeous!

Oh to have those shoulder blades!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thinking Thin

I need to get my mind away from food... Though I'm not feeling too terribly hungry... My body's just saying, "Hey! You haven't eaten yet today! Don't forget!" But nothing I can't handle.

I had some milk, and I haven't smelled anything tempting yet (except my mom tried to force a McDonalds breakfast sandwich on me as her last act before leaving this morning... Yeah she's THAT bad. I didn't eat it. I put it in the fridge for the BF who I'm sure will enjoy it later today.) But I'm getting tired, and I am not, repeat NOT, going to just sleep on a fast day here... SO here's a long-ass post to remind me what I'm doing and why.

Things I've recently learned.

1.) The more weigh I lose, the more critical I am of other people. Well, maybe not critical... But... Let me explain:

If I see an obese person out on the street or in the grocery store (especially girls my age) I stare them down to the point where if they noticed me, I'm sure they'd be insulted... But it's almost like they fascinate me.

I'm not extremely overweight. I'm not obese. I'm just "chubby" as everyone so lovingly calls it... But if I looked like them... I would NEVER eat.

Why aren't they like me? Why don't they just stop the behavior that is making them so ugly and undoubtedly unhappy? Why don't they even try? I mean, granted I sometimes indulge in behavior that makes me unhappy, but at least I TRY to do the right thing. At least I go to the gym as much as I can make myself. As least I feel remorse when I eat chocolate or McDonald's. And at least my shopping cart is full or fruit instead of cookies when I exit the store...

Why isn't everyone like that? I know a million people, on here and in real life, that try so hard to be thin. Who strive for it, whose main goal in life is to maintain their weight. Some through ED's, some through more "normal" means... Why don't these people?

It's not that they don't know any better. If you have a TV or a computer, or have ever been to SCHOOL you know what you should and should not eat and that you should exercize, etc.

And I think blaming it on your parents is bullshit. Your parents tell/show you to do a million things you DON'T do when you leave their house... So why do you choose to eat like they did when you undoubtedly rejected something else they "taught" you in life?

I just don't understand... I guess I just understand the polar opposite so much that I don't comprehend how they could be like that. I mean, is that what happens when you give up?

Is that what will happen to me if I give up???

2.) When I have my ED, my whole body changes. And I physically feel different... And I like it.

My senses get heightened. I can smell better, I feel more aware of thing, sounds, etc. And when I work out, it's the same way... My whole body gets this...


That's what I love so much. It's like smoking weed, but instead of getting groggy, I feel alive. Like the only thing keeping me going is adrenaline... It's like I know, going into certain things, that they're going to suck... Like a workout when I'm tired and hungry, purging after a binge, going hours with no food, eating something I hate because it's fewer cals... but afterward, I get the high.

And when I step on the scale and weight has come off after struggling with any of this, I feel even higher. It's absolutely amazing. And when I put on jean or shirts I haven't been able to wear for a while, when I slip into a bikini, and it actually looks decent, when I stare at my naked body in the mirror, as I do every morning, and I notice a change, I feel the high.

Any number of things gives me this high, and the more I feel it, the more I want it.

And the more I feel it, the more negative I feel when I'm not achieving it... When I eat a big meal, when I have days like this weekend, when I see the scale tip in the opposite direction, I feel terrible. It makes me desperate for the high, and I'll stop at nothing to achieve it once I stop feeling mopey and start obtaining my resolve to get the high again.

3.) I hear the voice of ana and mia... I forget who was writing about this in their blog the other day, but it's so true.

I have moments when I want to eat junk food. When I want to hop into my car and go to Taco Bell. When I want to say, "Fuck being thin. I give up." When I want to say, "I won't gain if I eat this tiny little cookie." But ana and mia keep me in line...

Especially ana.

And it's like this whole succession when I misbehave... Ana is my front-line troop, and mia is my reinforcements...

It's always the same.

I go to the pantry, and I stand in front of it.

"I'm hungry."
"No, you're fat. You don't want that disgusting food. You'll put back on what you lost."

I either walk away or I give in and open the door... I hold the package of whatever up to my nose, and I smell it deeply. If I can't smell it, I normally put it back. But if I can, I look at the back of the package and notice the calories.

"That crap will make you fat. Put it down and walk away. You know it will just trigger a binge. You fat cow, stop it now!"
"Maybe I can just have a bite."

I either walk away, or I continue on... I open the package. I take a bite.

"I'll spit it out."

But I don't normally. One that first bite is taken, normally I'm done for. I proceed to wolf it down like I was starving, and I wash it down with something besides water... Never water because if I'm going to binge, I might as well enjoy every taste I can.

I continue on, letting myself eat whatever looks or smells appealing. I don't look at calories anymore. There is no more contemplation or caution. I devour whatever I want. I don't stop.

Then the fuller I get, the more aware I become of what I'm doing. And at some point I stop.

Then ana speaks up again.

"See what you did? How do you feel about your fat self now?"

Panic. I freak out. I calculate calories, I shake, I want to cry. I run to the scale, I calculate. I panic.

Then mia speaks to me, "Have a glass of water, and I'll take care of you. We'll make it all better."

So I do. I slowly sip my water. I push on my stomach to mush the food around. I jump around a bit. I slowly walk to the bathroom and pull my hair back. I fill a glass with water for after. I reach into my drawer for my "finger substitute," and I plop myself in front of my toilet, and I purge. Over and over. Until I don't feel anything in my stomach anymore.

Until I feel like myself again.

Then I rinse out my mouth, wash my hands, wipe my eyes, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.

"See? Don't you feel better?"
"You shouldn't do that anymore."
"I know... I'm trying."

And sometimes ana convinces me to not eat... Sometimes I listen to her and I know she's right and I do as she says... And sometimes I have to go with mia.

I just never go with the hunger... Because though he sounds promising... I know he'll break my heart. And that he can't give me what I REALLY want.

Renewed Resolve

Liquid Fast today...

I'm going to stay home, clean out the fridge, and watch ana movies on youtube all day.


Today's possible diet choices:

Milk for breakfast, vitamin water, lemon water, and some grapefruit juice that I'm going to squeeze/strain.


I can fucking DO this. I'll post and catch up with all of you ladies later!

Monday, March 16, 2009

I'm freakin' OUT!


I've gained back 3 pounds in a couple days... Tomorrow when everyone is gone, I'm back to the 2,4,6,8.

Only I'm probably going to not do 8.

Probably 2,4,6,6.

FUCK me.

I've eaten SO much and I can't help it... There's no way to avoid the social eating that's taking place, and my mom is forcing food down my throat and she brought so much SHIT I do not allow in my house... FUCK.

As soon as they're gone, I'm back with a vengeance.


I will not let a gain stop me... I'm not panicking about it, surprisingly... I was expecting it honestly... That's just how it goes with my mother and family visits...

Week goals:

Tues: Liquid FAST, Pilates video.
Wed: 200 cals, elliptical 30 mins, ab video.
Thurs: 400 cals, elliptical 30 mins, ab video.
Fri: 600 cals, cardio video, ab video.
Sat: 600 cals, cardio video, ab video.

That should boost the weightloss and dump what I gained this weekend.

Why did they have to come when I started my period???


Friday, March 13, 2009


Ladies, I love you so much... Thanks for the support.

But, yes... I'm ashamed... I purged... And then after dinner I purged again...

It's like a DRUG to me! I don't know what the HELL is wrong with me...

I was doing so well...

It just feels good...

I feel good after. I feel like I'm calm again and in control and like I'm clean and pure and happy.

I just don't know how to handle it... I try to be good and I am for the most part lately, but today... I fucking blew it.

AUGH. This is frustrating me beyond belief...

BUT... I will do better. I will just put this behind me and do better this weekend... Hopefully.

My parents/brother are due in tonight in about an hour, so I don't know if I'm going to be able to blog for a few days, but I will just as SOON as I can.

But you know what... I need to stop being so hard on myself... I've seriously lost 15lbs in one month. That's insanely good... That's a pound every 2 days.

I promise I will try my hardest not to purge. I know I'm better than that... I just need to control what I eat more... Like I have the past few days...

And I highly recommend the 2-4-6-8 diet... And depending on what you consume regularly, I might adjust the cals to maybe like 150, 350, 550, 750... Or 2,4,6,7. I think that's what I'm going to do because on my 800 day I BLEW it because 800 is too much... 700 is much better... BUT it's totally do-able and it boosted my weight loss by like 4 pounds.

Anyway... I promise to catch up on all your blogs as soon as I get back!

Much love. ♥

I know what's coming...


I just binged...We're talking 700 cals binged.

I feel disgusting. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

And right now while I'm writing this I know I'm going to.

I had an apple for B (70) and will have turkey soup for D, (200) so I thought I could afford a big lunch... Today's the 800 day...

Nope. Not strong enough yet to eat large portions and stop. I just keep eating and eating.

And that's exactly what I did.

At least I haven't purged in about 4 days...

I don't want to gain back the lbs I lost...


That's really all I can say.

Hippie. Not Hippy.

I'm so TIRED this morning... Augh.

And I have so much to do... Laundry, take the BF lunch because he forgot to bring it, clean my floors/bathroom/kitchen...

I don't want to do any of it... But I need to. And I need to eat breakfast, but I don't want to at all...

I had the fucking weirdest dreams last night... And in one of them, I was eating a bag of marshmallows. A whole freaking bag... I don't even LIKE marshmallows enough for that!

I think it was because I talked to my BFFF yesterday for the first time in a looong time. And we made plans for Memorial Day to go to her uncle's cabin, her and her man + me and my man. Which I am sooo psyched for. By May I should be nice and skinny and happy and ready to don a bikini around her... Not that I couldn't anyway, because I could probably run around naked around her and still at least be as comfortable as I can be in that situation, but my bestie is fucking gorgeous. And I don't really feel inferior to her, it's just that I know what she is. It doesn't affect our friendship, there's no jealousy, and I adore her, but still... No one wants to be the fat one in photos, you know?

But anyway, back to the marshmallows... We were talking about our plans for that weekend, and she was like, "We're gonna wear tye-dye dresses and smoke green and make a campfire and roast a million marshmallows." Ha ha! She's a crazy hippie at heart, and honestly so am I... I think that's one of the reasons why we love each other so much. LOL!

But I think that's why there were marshmallows in my dream... And in my dream I was eating them and thinking, "I'm gonna have to go puke these up!" and I was standing to walk to the bathroom and the BF woke me up... Thank God. The only thing worse than purging in real life is doing it in your dreams as well!

BUT, alas... I'm off now... To the laundromat.

I hope you ladies have a lovely day! (Oh and does anyone know what happened to Lolly??? I hate when girls disappear from our little community... )

Some hippie thinspo! Because I'm just in a hippie mood.

OH, side note!!! I just ordered "Wasted." So excited for it to get here! And ladies, if you're contemplating ordering it, I recommend ebay... I got the book shipped to me and everything for $4.99. So cheap.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Low Cal, Diet, & Thinspo.

So today is my 600 day... I stuck to my 400 yesterday with no more sickness, so I guess it was just the tomato...

AND, here is what the 2-4-6-8 Diet is: (for those of you who were asking!)
Usually with restricting calorie intake, you actually slow your metabolism. Therefore, with this diet, you take in different amounts of calories every day. This behavior tricks your body and causes jumps of weight loss with every cycle.

The first day you restrict to 200 calories. The following days you build up the calorie intake by 200. (2nd day: 400. 3rd day: 600, etc.) You can add a day of fasting in between if you like. I personally do not fast because it's harder to hide, and the 200 cal days are hard enough!

I really like it personally because it's very structured, and usually I plan what I'm going to eat the night before. And I have something to look forward to on the 800 days, and I'll incorporate something I've been craving!!!

BUT, anyway... I wanted to let you girls know about a few products I've discovered that are yummy/low cal/good alternatives!

1.) All Bran/Special K Crackers. You get NINETEEN crackers for 120 cals... (6.3 cals per cracker!) I never eat 19, and they are actually really yummy. Garlic and Herb All Bran are good, and they also have Tomato Herb Special K ones. AND, if you like plain ones, they have Wholegrain ones. A few notes though, the Special K Wholegrain are a bit higher (130 per serving), and normally the All Bran ones are cheaper! They're a great alternative to bread, and they have a LOT of fiber, which we all love as a nat lax!

2.) Kraft Free Mayo. Regular mayo is 100 Cals per TBSP. This stuff is TEN. AND it tastes pretty much just like mayo... Maybe a little sweeter, but still good, and I feel like the texture makes it go a little further, so if you're making tuna or something you'll probably only use like 3 TB compared to 4!

3.) Sugar Free Jello Cups. They have Cherry, Black Cherry, Strawberry Kiwi, and Mixes Berry and they are TEN cals a cup! TEN! They're REALLY good, and great for satisfying those sugar cravings.

4.) Kraft Free Italian Dressing. 15 Cals for 2 TB! And it's stronger tasting than normal, so I actually usually use less, especially if I dip.

5.) Fat Free Cream Cheese. IF you're hankering for some cheese, you can have 2 TBSP for around 30 cals... And DON'T buy the Weight Watcher's cream cheese. I've compared it all, and it's actually higher.

So there you go! If you've seen anything that's like these, let me know!

But on another note... I weighed myself on the gym scale and it was TEN pounds off from my home scale... WTF? How could it be so different!? I don't know what scale to trust because, granted, I have a cheapo home scale, but I don't know how old/calibrated the scale at the gym is... It's like a scale at a doctor's office though... Who knows! It says I'm lighter at the gym... I need a third scale to find an average now.

And guess what!? On the 2-8 diet, I've already lost weight!!! Gah!!! Like 5 lbs in about 3 days!

BUT, my parents and brother are coming to visit, and I have nooo idea how it's going to go... Luckily they're coming tomorrow night on my 800 day, so I can enjoy spaghetti night with them if I reserve cals all day... It's just the rest that I'm worried about! It might have to be a mia weekend, which I do NOT want to do... But we're supposed to go to freakin' BRUNCH on Sun which is SUPPOSED to be my 400 day... (We're going to the place I just stopped working at, so I know I can have a veg omelet and eat half for about 200 cals... Which would mean NO lunch and a 200 dinner... )Maybe I'll just let this weekend not be 2,4,6,8 and then resume after they leave... Like finish it off tomorrow with 800 and then attempt to just stay at around 500 while they're here... I think that's what I'll do. It's honestly the only thing I CAN do with my nosey mom here...

BUT! Today's progress:

B: Oatmeal with skim and sweetener - 200.
L: Crackers - 120, Cream Cheese - 30.
D: Chicken - 140, Broccoli - 80.
S: Jello Cup - 10

SO a 580 total... So I can throw in some veggies if I want, so I may add some tomato to my lunch! For about 15. Woa, carbs today! LOL! I'm excited... Plus lots of fiber!!!

AND I went to the gym early this morning for about 45 mins and did elliptical and about 100 arm curls... I may try to squeeze in my ab video in a bit here...

But here's some thinspo! (Sorry for the long post... Thanks if you read the whole thing!)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


So yesterday I began the 2,4,6,8 diet.

200 Cals was haaard. And I don't think my body liked it at all...

I had just what I had planned for the day, and I divided up the apple into 3 portions and the celery into 2... But then I had Tilapia and a tomato for dinner with the BF as to not be conspicuous.. And a couple hours later, I got SO nauseated... Like I was sitting on the couch watching TV with the BF and I started feeling like absolute shit. My head started hurting, stomach started having sharp shooting pains... Augh.

So it had been like 4 hours since I'd eaten at this point, and I decided to go to bed. The BF cuddled with me for a while until I passed out, but I woke up a few mins later and flew to the bathroom and threw up. I was willing myself to keep it down, but I absolutely couldn't. I didn't force myself to throw up either... I couldn't help it. And it was all tomatoey acid. Augh it was TERRIBLE.

Then I was all weak and shakey and nauseous and I just laid on the couch until the BF wanted to go to bed... I managed to fall asleep eventually and woke up feeling better, but augh... Not a fun night... And I don't know why it was like that!!!

I was excited because I stuck to the plan rigidly, and felt pretty okay most of the day, but it was noooo fun.. Maybe it was just that I had a whole tomato and piece of fish and that's all... Maybe I should have mixed up the tomato with some cucumber or something...

Today's plan is as follows (Once the BF and I go get some groceries!)
1 Mango - 135
2 Cups Cauliflower - 50
1 Can Tuna - 120
4 Tbsp Low Cal Mayo - 44 (11 per tbsp)
1/8 Cup Diced Onion - 8
1 Tomato or 8 Special K Crackers - 35
1 Sugar Free Cherry Jello Cup - 10

Sounds yum! I'm just scared of the tomato... So we'll see...

Thinspo later ladies!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Oh, Mia.

I threw up everything today... It's becoming a problem. I don't like it, but I can't help it... I didn't even eat that much today: milk (didn't throw that up) fish and veggies (mia) pasta and pork (mia) half a sandwich (mia).

What is WRONG with me lately??? I used to only do it once in a while but now I just panic after every bite.

I probably managed to digest about half of what I ate which is probably like 300-400 cals... But I just want to eat less and throw up less.

I need to get on top of this. I can't keep doing it because 1.) it's hard to hide and 2.) because I can be stronger than this BS!!!

I think tomorrow I'm going to try a new technique... The 2-4-6-8 diet sounds doable for me...

SO 200 cals tomorrow... Water all day, Apple = 70, 3 stalks celery = 18, Tilapia = 100 and a tomato = 27... So... 215. That's good enough for the first day...

So I'm going to cut up the apple and celery and slowly eat them over the whole day... And then eat the Tilapia and tomato for dinner with the BF so he'll back off.

He still made a comment about me eating something today...

I don't think he knows/realizes how many cals I should be eating and how many I am. He's blind about this whole thing, and that's how I want him to stay...

BTW, we talked about stuff today and we're okay... Not great because I'm just still not happy with some aspects of my life... But better. I just love him so much... It makes a lot of stuff hurt more, you know???

Some scene thinspo... I want to be a real girl thinspo...

Shit shit shit.

Just watched "Sharing the Secret!" And it is a really good movie... It was made for TV in like 2000, so it's kinds of cheap-o, but it was so TRUE.

You can't really find it anywhere (Not even netflix) but this website has it! Oooh it was good. One if the parts on there isn't what it says it is, but if you just look around at the end of the previous part in the related videos links, you can find it... Took me a moment, but it's all online and there.

SO, lately the BF and I have been bickering. Quite a bit the past 2 days. I'm just so DEPRESSED lately that anything he says that's remotely insulting, I flip out over... Yesterday I went to pick him up from work, and I asked him if he wanted me to fix something he knocked over, and he was like, "No and you'll just be in my way." Yeah... thanks. So that stupidly made me upset, and then we got into a fight last night over dinner because I wanted him to make some bread and beans and he was like, "You can have one or the other." ...Trying to be all helpful with my "diet..." And I was instantly mad and was like, "I can have whatever I want. I'm handling my diet, and I don't need your help." (Famous ana words right there...) I'd seriously had like 110 cals at that point saving them for dinner. And when he interjected it made me feel like a fat cow, and I got defensive... (Side note: Threw up dinner anyway... I knew I was going to, so it's just nice to enjoy a moment of eating what I like and not just shitty broccoli over and over every night.)

And then this morning I was telling him something, and he interrupted me and said he didn't really care, so I got pissed off. And was like, "You should care because I'M talking about it." and then he thanked me for making him breakfast. (YES, I made the ungrateful jerk breakfast!) and I didn't say anything so he was just sitting there not eating it, and I was like, "Why aren't you eating?" And he blew up and said because he thanked me and I didn't say anything and apparently I've been "treating him like shit lately." FUCK you. I have not...

And then he called me from work and apologized and said he's been overreacting and not paying attention to how he talks to me... blah, blah, blah... And then he asked me what's been going on with me lately and why have I been acting so distant/weird.

Um... Maybe because I'm a FAILURE and I HATE my life???

But I'm not getting into that...

I just don't like living here, I'm struggling with my ED REALLY bad lately, and he is my ONLY friend in this god-forsaken town we moved to because HE wanted to.

So excuse me, I'm a little resentful.

And then he called me AGAIN to apologize. FUCK. Just let it go.

I'm over it. I'm just going to have a depressed, sad, homesick, pissed at the BF day, and tomorrow I'll be fine...

Btu anyway. I skipped out on the last day of my current job (called in... made lame excuses) and I've been home all day. I'm about to clean the house... But I watched the movie, sat outside, smoked a cig, tanned a bit, read a book... And now it's almost 2 and I've only had a glass of milk all day... I don't know if I should eat to get the metabolism going or if I should fast a bit longer... I'm going to go poke around the kitchen and decide...

Love you girls. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Thinspo! Alison Lohman because she is amazing, AND she was in the movie. :-)

Sunday, March 8, 2009


SO yesterday was ROUGH. BUT I feel okay about it...

B: Apple
At work: Some of a wrap an some grits (We're talking 3 bites, half a cup here.) Which I threw up... Yeah at work... Not proud of it...
L: Free icecream cone from Kilwins after work because their store is right next to ours and it was the first warm day in forever, so the owner gave me one because he was selling so many. (They come into the restaurant where I work all the time.) I ate the shit out of that thing, went home and threw it up. (SO mia'd TWICE... Fu-uck.)
D: Bonefish with the BF. (I only agreed because I knew I could afford the cals...) So I had some shrimp, trout, and loads of veggies and the mango salsa... I only ate half my fish and 3/4 of the veg... BUT, the bad part of this is I let myself get a driiiink. Which was like 250 cals I think... I got a Peach Long Island Iced Tea. And lemme tell ya... I haven't had alcohol since I effing graduated college like THREE MONTHS AGO. So I was lit. Yes, I pathetically got drunk off that one drink and was practically stumbling out of the place laughing the whole time. So I guess for that many cals it was good! Ha ha!

So I think my day was around 650 when I did all the math and took into account what I threw up... Not terrible. And I got tipsy! Ha!

But on another note... I lost another pound.. But GOD is it going slow... I had plateaued since this post. And I was getting really annoyed because I've been doing better and better, but I knew it was going to happen because the first ten pounds came off so fast... And because of my women problems the past week which are FINALLY over, thank GOD!

Hopefully I'll continue to lose...

Today's going well apple and soup so far and chicken for dinner.

Anyway... THINSPO:

Black and white because I just love it...

Friday, March 6, 2009

Nothing Special

Quick post...

B: Apple (70)
S: Cucumber Salad (20)
L: Can soup (160)
D: Salmon, broccolli, and corn souffle (80, 55, 150)

SO... 530!!!

I am sooo happy! :-)

Thinspo real quick before shower/bed.