Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thinking Thin

I need to get my mind away from food... Though I'm not feeling too terribly hungry... My body's just saying, "Hey! You haven't eaten yet today! Don't forget!" But nothing I can't handle.

I had some milk, and I haven't smelled anything tempting yet (except my mom tried to force a McDonalds breakfast sandwich on me as her last act before leaving this morning... Yeah she's THAT bad. I didn't eat it. I put it in the fridge for the BF who I'm sure will enjoy it later today.) But I'm getting tired, and I am not, repeat NOT, going to just sleep on a fast day here... SO here's a long-ass post to remind me what I'm doing and why.

Things I've recently learned.

1.) The more weigh I lose, the more critical I am of other people. Well, maybe not critical... But... Let me explain:

If I see an obese person out on the street or in the grocery store (especially girls my age) I stare them down to the point where if they noticed me, I'm sure they'd be insulted... But it's almost like they fascinate me.

I'm not extremely overweight. I'm not obese. I'm just "chubby" as everyone so lovingly calls it... But if I looked like them... I would NEVER eat.

Why aren't they like me? Why don't they just stop the behavior that is making them so ugly and undoubtedly unhappy? Why don't they even try? I mean, granted I sometimes indulge in behavior that makes me unhappy, but at least I TRY to do the right thing. At least I go to the gym as much as I can make myself. As least I feel remorse when I eat chocolate or McDonald's. And at least my shopping cart is full or fruit instead of cookies when I exit the store...

Why isn't everyone like that? I know a million people, on here and in real life, that try so hard to be thin. Who strive for it, whose main goal in life is to maintain their weight. Some through ED's, some through more "normal" means... Why don't these people?

It's not that they don't know any better. If you have a TV or a computer, or have ever been to SCHOOL you know what you should and should not eat and that you should exercize, etc.

And I think blaming it on your parents is bullshit. Your parents tell/show you to do a million things you DON'T do when you leave their house... So why do you choose to eat like they did when you undoubtedly rejected something else they "taught" you in life?

I just don't understand... I guess I just understand the polar opposite so much that I don't comprehend how they could be like that. I mean, is that what happens when you give up?

Is that what will happen to me if I give up???

2.) When I have my ED, my whole body changes. And I physically feel different... And I like it.

My senses get heightened. I can smell better, I feel more aware of thing, sounds, etc. And when I work out, it's the same way... My whole body gets this...

High.

That's what I love so much. It's like smoking weed, but instead of getting groggy, I feel alive. Like the only thing keeping me going is adrenaline... It's like I know, going into certain things, that they're going to suck... Like a workout when I'm tired and hungry, purging after a binge, going hours with no food, eating something I hate because it's fewer cals... but afterward, I get the high.

And when I step on the scale and weight has come off after struggling with any of this, I feel even higher. It's absolutely amazing. And when I put on jean or shirts I haven't been able to wear for a while, when I slip into a bikini, and it actually looks decent, when I stare at my naked body in the mirror, as I do every morning, and I notice a change, I feel the high.

Any number of things gives me this high, and the more I feel it, the more I want it.

And the more I feel it, the more negative I feel when I'm not achieving it... When I eat a big meal, when I have days like this weekend, when I see the scale tip in the opposite direction, I feel terrible. It makes me desperate for the high, and I'll stop at nothing to achieve it once I stop feeling mopey and start obtaining my resolve to get the high again.

3.) I hear the voice of ana and mia... I forget who was writing about this in their blog the other day, but it's so true.

I have moments when I want to eat junk food. When I want to hop into my car and go to Taco Bell. When I want to say, "Fuck being thin. I give up." When I want to say, "I won't gain if I eat this tiny little cookie." But ana and mia keep me in line...

Especially ana.

And it's like this whole succession when I misbehave... Ana is my front-line troop, and mia is my reinforcements...

It's always the same.

I go to the pantry, and I stand in front of it.

"I'm hungry."
"No, you're fat. You don't want that disgusting food. You'll put back on what you lost."

I either walk away or I give in and open the door... I hold the package of whatever up to my nose, and I smell it deeply. If I can't smell it, I normally put it back. But if I can, I look at the back of the package and notice the calories.

"That crap will make you fat. Put it down and walk away. You know it will just trigger a binge. You fat cow, stop it now!"
"Maybe I can just have a bite."

I either walk away, or I continue on... I open the package. I take a bite.

"STOP!"
"I'll spit it out."

But I don't normally. One that first bite is taken, normally I'm done for. I proceed to wolf it down like I was starving, and I wash it down with something besides water... Never water because if I'm going to binge, I might as well enjoy every taste I can.

I continue on, letting myself eat whatever looks or smells appealing. I don't look at calories anymore. There is no more contemplation or caution. I devour whatever I want. I don't stop.

Then the fuller I get, the more aware I become of what I'm doing. And at some point I stop.

Then ana speaks up again.

"See what you did? How do you feel about your fat self now?"

Panic. I freak out. I calculate calories, I shake, I want to cry. I run to the scale, I calculate. I panic.

Then mia speaks to me, "Have a glass of water, and I'll take care of you. We'll make it all better."

So I do. I slowly sip my water. I push on my stomach to mush the food around. I jump around a bit. I slowly walk to the bathroom and pull my hair back. I fill a glass with water for after. I reach into my drawer for my "finger substitute," and I plop myself in front of my toilet, and I purge. Over and over. Until I don't feel anything in my stomach anymore.

Until I feel like myself again.

Then I rinse out my mouth, wash my hands, wipe my eyes, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.

"See? Don't you feel better?"
"You shouldn't do that anymore."
"I know... I'm trying."

And sometimes ana convinces me to not eat... Sometimes I listen to her and I know she's right and I do as she says... And sometimes I have to go with mia.

I just never go with the hunger... Because though he sounds promising... I know he'll break my heart. And that he can't give me what I REALLY want.





3 comments:

  1. I love this statement:

    "I just never go with the hunger... Because though he sounds promising... I know he'll break my heart. And that he can't give me what I REALLY want."

    I HATE liars.

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  2. That was such a good entry to read, a times it really echoed parts of my own inner monologue, especially the part about feeling this undeniable low after eating.

    much love,

    Ella xx

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  3. Wow, I relate to that so so much.

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