Thursday, September 6, 2012

Moving on

I went out after work with Gerard. We talked about Bird. He tells me Bird was blabbing about how hot I am... I know to try to keep Gerard away from me.

Bird begs me Friday to come out with him alone. I can't. Not possible. I have a boyfriend... He drunk texts me later, saying he wants to marry me. I only talk for a few mins and abruptly end the convo.

Saturday I don't see him, and when he texts me I don't reply.

I plan on the same today.

Gerard warned me. I ignored it. He warned me again the other night, and I know if I ignore it this time, I'd really be fucking up.

It's hard. I thought about Bird a lot last night, but this attachment is not good or healthy and I honestly just need it to stop...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Same ole

Made out with Bird again... This time after work in the parking lot in his girlfriend's car... While the skies dumped out rain and I felt like I was sexy.

We have a time limit... Its reached, and I get into my car and drive away. He calls me and says he's going to be thinking about me all night.

He's legitimately starting to like me. Asks me if we can do something together Friday. Asks me if he can take me on a day trip in a month.

I'm using him. For attention, alcohol, favors at work, and to feel desirable. He calls me a tease and lets me.

It's all becoming too much. He wants to fuck me more, and I want to fuck him less... But the attention is addicting.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Boys and booze

I've lost 5 pounds this week. Im feeling good again. More in control. It's weird how that aspect of my life so closely ties in with all the other aspects ad being in control of them too.

The bf and I are working things out, but not quickly enough... Other people and factors keep interfering.

Gerard and Bird are all over me lately.

I get wine drunk in the bubble bath and text Gerard bubbly risqué photos. Just wanting to be told how sexy I am. Needing the attention and validation because for some reason one boys approval is never enough.

I get drunk texts from Bird at 3am (drunk myself of course because I have basically replaced food with alcohol) and we end up talking on the phone for 2 hours. He tells me not to fall in love with him, that I'm amazing, that he wants to marry me... One poor soul as confused as my own which is why we're drawn to each other.

It's all nice. Exciting. Tempting. But all I want is what I already have. Just easier.