I've been a mess.
I have an appointment the first week of December with a psychiatrist. The number of days that I think, "I want to die" are steadily increasing with no end in sight. I think I need to try some meds.
My eating has been all over the place. I started really restricting again, and it's hit or miss. I stopped weighing myself, and I find that it's actually easier to restrict when I don't weigh in... When I weigh in and it's not enough or fast enough, I tend to get the eff-its like, "I'm not losing, so why bother?" OR I weigh myself and I'm doing well, and I will have a thought that I can afford a meal or two when the reality is, I can't. One leads to a binge and then God knows how far It goes...
I need to determine how often I can weigh in and get a better schedule with it... I weighed in over the weekend and was mildly satisfied and kept restricting pretty well all week, but then when I weighed in again yesterday with no change (because of how and when I did it, though...) I got super triggered.
Today at work, there was a baking contest. The hallways reeked of powdered sugar all day. I resisted. I ate my protein bar and hid in my office with my essential oil diffuser going. I had plans to eat something specific when I got home, but when I arrived, the husband had eaten it. I faltered. I just kept picking at things until I had to go throw up.
I didn't initially intend to purge, but the urge was overwhelming. One little passing thought is all it takes and I'm running to the toilet. I purged last night at well, but I honestly don't know why. My intake was pretty low overall, but purging that meal meant almost no food digested.
I'm annoyed I ate and purged... Purging felt good, but the fact that I ate so much when I still have so far to go makes me mad at myself. I had such a good day yesterday, and I should have kept it going rather than attempting to let myself eat. It's like once I start, I can't stop. I need to be more strategic and structured. I need to be stricter.
My daily routine of coffee, protein bar, and apple and/or celery has been going well throughout the day. And honestly, food lately has felt a little blah. Nothing really tastes good when I do eat, so I don't know why I did tonight... I think I'm just overwhelmed with my fucking life and lonely.
But food cannot be my friend. Mia can't either; not really. Ana needs to be my friend. Her and only her.
I spent time tonight looking into the past of my blog...
I used to have boys... So many boys. I had boys for months and years and didn't know what to do with them EVER. Every year a different one. I had Jay, Bogart, Adam, Bird, Gerard, Chevy... I had relationships and flings and things without titles that went on far too long... I had messes.
Why?? What was I getting out of it?
It was exciting, yes, but made my self-esteem so fragile. It was drama, and I don't think drama looks good on me. Drama makes me needy and clingy.
Sometimes I miss it though. Sometimes I think of what my life would be like if I had stayed with a fuck-boy... Would any of it have ever worked? Or what if there was some other person who actually was balanced. Does that exist? Sometimes I want to call them all. I want to check in. I fantasize about bumping into them and how it would go. I wonder if we would reconnect like old times, or if that flame would be extinguished. I can honestly say that I loved all of them in their own ways... I miss them all individually. I want them all to be happy.
And it's so strange, but when I think of the ex husband, I don't feel the same. I feel nothing. No longing, no missing, no regret... I don't think I ever loved him, which scares me a little. I spent 4 years with a person that I didn't love, and I never think back to that time with longing, but the others I had shorter periods with and genuinely miss...
I feel like I ended up with the right man in life. I love my husband. I love the life we are building I don't regret being with him and making things work and adjusting my life to keep him, but I wish I could have some of the old parts back...
I miss drinking. I miss using drugs every once in a while. For the past 2.5 years my life has been so completely different. No significant drinking, no blow, nothing exciting... It's all just bills and babies and work. Being a wife and a mom. And not even a fabulous thin one...
I need to find balance. I need excitement. My husband is working hard in school and in life, and I am so proud. Our relationship is genuinely good, but I'm SO BORED. He's never home. And when he is, we have baby... I am too young to feel this old.
What can I do with myself?? How do I stay old Jay and new Jay at the same time? How do I stay healthier (ish?) and still have fun? I'm crying over this.
I'm unhappy with my life. I don't want to keep going on like this, but I can't go back to the old ways. I don't even want to.
Except for Ana. I want to reconnect with her. I want to rekindle that passion for her.
I always have an easier time restricting in cold months. I don't know why... I think it could be because I was at my lowest weight and most restrictive when I lived up north. It's just easy. Lately it has felt easier, but still not exciting. Nothing is exciting...
I have rules and budgets and no time and too much responsibility... I need to just survive my husband going to school and stick to my routine and learn how to occupy my free time.
And I need to get thin.
I used to think being on maternity leave made me fat, but I think it's honestly due to feeling lonely. I feel extremely lonely these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband is there for me all he can be, I have to be careful at work with my coworkers and in everything I do, and I don't have a lot of friends. And no fuck-boys.
Maybe I'll seek online friends... I need something, and I can't leave my house.
