Food

I have been so so sick. I haven’t had an appetite at all, and I’ve been eating pretty minimally. Normally that would result in a huge weight loss in the past, but I think after decades of fucking with it, my metabolism is officially shot. I have it in the back of my head to get a new primary soon with my new insurance, and I’m going to discuss this with them. Openly. I’ve been overweight for so long now no matter what I do - and it’s not some unfathomable obese girl in the mirror, but a chubby lady that wants better than this. 

I wish I had never given into this shit. I wish it hadn’t worked the first time. I wish I had a mom who was good with food. I wish 90s diet culture would have just burned in hell. I wish I could just eat like a normal person. 

Still haven’t purged. 

Details and things

I intended to come and speak on my mom’s memorial. It was awful. Every detail was painful in so many ways. 

The detail I am most tore up over is disappointing my dad by forgetting the speaker and his sad unfinished song.

I currently have the worst bronchitis I’ve ever had in my life. It’s been horrid - I had to go on a round of steroids. All of the things are making me want to fucking blow up or cry or both. 

This evening my husband was a piece of shit. I believe I’ll sleep in the guest room. 

I wish I had chosen several things differently in my life. I don’t know if this kind of love is worth this kind of pain. I wish I could do something not in extremes sometimes. Just not my fate, I guess. 

My appetite is in the toilet and I’m nauseated every moment lately. I’ve lost so much time and money over my mom’s passing - it’s been the most difficult thing and being sick on top is just the cherry. 

I want to move out of this house. This house was an impractical shattered dream. Dee is gone. There is no need to be at house, because this house was about the school. And now he won’t even come visit us. And honestly I don’t want him to. 

I don’t want to be some PTA suburbia mom. I want to live in a little house in the city and work in my skyscraper and in my home office and make enough to pay all my bills and go out from time to time. 

Omg, now an apology text… I’m not even going to read it. 

I’m mean

My ability to rip people apart verbally is astounding, really…

I never say things I don’t mean. I never say things I don’t actually think or feel. I don’t say untrue things. I just say all the things that should probably remain unsaid in life. I say the unnecessary, hurtful things. I mean all of them, and they tumble out of my mouth and through my lips into the air to grow and gather into a dark cloud that forms the dust of a god a strikes a person clean across their soul. 

The thing people seem to forget, is that I know how to act right. I know how to behave perfectly. Literally. Perfectly. So when you’re capable of that, you leave no margin for error in life. Every decision is simple - you just do the right thing and make sure it’s perfectly executed. When you’ve literally had to live your daily life like that, you learn how to make everything appear perfect, even if it is not. Even when faced with undeniable facts, you will find a way to look perfect upon your exit. Often by making yourself look less favorable, which often somehow works.  So when you’re used to this, you can see every glaring moment when someone else is not being perfect. You will notice the faults they didn’t realize themselves that they had.

And you’ll use them, when backed into a corner, to unleash a barrage of insults that are so venomous the person is left stunned. Even if they manage to come back, it’s delayed. So you get to accuse them of keeping an argument going. When you have a vicious tongue and adhd, your brain can rapid fire insults that tear a man to shreds. And somehow he will be the one apologizing. 

I even threw in his face he was a white man this go around like woowwwww. 

Boys, actually

 Goddam it takes so long to get here when I have a fucking epiphany…

Whoops not supposed to be saying goddam anymore… 

Oh well.

I also need to journal about my mom’s memorial so hard it’s not even a drill at this point, but here we are thinking about other completely unrelated shit, probably to avoid thinking about it. 

Chevy primed me for Husband. 

Like so maybe if you read my whole-ass blog from start to finish in a few days, you mighta made this connection already, who knows, but to me this was a mind blow. Feels so simple but like woah damn. 

So when I met Chevy, I was with ex husband. Chevy liked me. Chevy pursued me to a point. I was hesitant because I was in a relationship. He fucked a girl we worked with. I wanted him to like pursue oME. I wanted him to put in some sort of effort to show me that he wanted me, not just like as a girl, but ME. Because he fucked with several girls we worked with. They all literally told me that he loved me. They said things to him about the fact that they could recognize he loved me, and he didn’t respond to that. I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to steal me away from ex husband, and I thought I made it pretty clear that it would not be difficult. I was so available if he would have just tried once. I shouldn’t have had to be the one who had to kiss him in the walk-in - I wanted him to kiss me. But in retrospect that is a big expectation. Massive. Who pursues an engaged girl?? So he didn’t. And I married ex husband, and I moved away. 

And then fast forward and basically the same thing happens again. I was with ex husband. Hubby liked me. Hubby pursued me to a point. I was hesitant because I was in a relationship. He DIDN'T fuck a girl we work with…? One that was throwing herself at him that I was witness to. He didn’t fuck with any of those girls. He had the chance to - they literally pursued him. But he like didn’t give in. I didn’t even know all that at the time - I just saw him reject a girl with a perfect fucking body who I’m sure would have been a good fuck to walk me to my car. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. Then he made me feel special. ME. And only me. That was the difference.

Weird shit. Cried a bit. Still depressed and will surface hopefully at some point to discuss mom memorial. 

Un-edited talk to text insanity

 If I had spoken at my mothers funeral in a world without consequence (if we’re going not reality we might as well go there…..)

My mother was weak. I knew her better than anyone else in the world ever knew her and some of you may think that that’s not true, but it is the women of our family have a tendency to give information and insight to the other women only and many people think Many people think I don’t know things about this family with the individual people in it because of my distance are proximity, but I know a lot. All of you were afraid of her all of you afraid of her judgment and criticism afraid of negative opinions she made people feel afraid of her, except Josh. I wasn’t actually afraid of her like the rest of you. I didn’t care if I upset her all of you cared so much if she was upset by something and tried so hard to make her feel good or get her approval. Everyone in here I hope most of you felt that you had it because you all deserve it. She was a tough woman. She wasn’t friendly. I mean look around she had no friends. She just had family and for as much of that as she actually had, she didn’t have very much. She actually had contact with this is not that larger group of people and this is not even a group that is close, but I do appreciate every person that made this journey and effort. She was a horrible human whatsoever. she had good parts and bad parts, but her bad parts are pretty rough parts and that kind of bad parts are really stung. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it anymore with all of you for a while here at the end I’ve known I was only gonna be as much longer I would’ve stayed, but who could know I wish that we had understood each other better. I wish that she had had more grace for me. I know my mom loved me and she knows I loved her. She has to have the most obvious thing. I just can’t do it anymore. I had to stop. I couldn’t. I didn’t care about approval anymore. I didn’t care if I heard her feelings anymore. it caused too many issues Now here we all are connected and we’re all even actually gonna be willing anyone really is but I guess time will tell. My mom always acting like she knew everything and I think everyone treated her like she knew everything and I don’t know if it’s because everyone truly thinks that she knew everything or if it’s because everyone was scared of the response she would have if you treated her like she didn’t know something I never thought of my purse. My mother is a person who knew things I frequently thought of her as a person who didn’t know as much as a lot of people she didn’t do anything my dad slaved his life away to let her be a Rapunzel and she kept me in trash close by because who wouldn’t want to do that with their kids if you have the option, but it wasn’t healthy and good for all of us and you know happy all the time it was She was mentally ill and you guys might think that that’s coming out of my mouth because of who I am or what I do or my education or whatever I mean, you can make you know whatever opinion you wanna have, but I knew her better than anyone else and she was And she wanted to die most of her living life. I’m pretty sure she tried to kill herself before you know and I’m pretty sure not treating a heart condition is kind of doing that in all honesty is letting yourself die. The same thing is killing yourself. You know she read scriptures about healing all the time. She never got the hell she actually needed for things in anyway, and that frustrates me so badly cause she’s so unnecessary, but she coped another ways at all of you loved her and tried to help her and your own ways and I think sometimes it enabled her, but you couldn’t have known no one. No one could know it’s gonna make someone else’s life better when you love them. You just want to do what they tell you it is even if you have a suspicion that it’s not true thank you. Offer being here today. My dad and my brother were the two people that my mom absolutely worshiped and loved the most And she was hard on them. She was hard on me also but I didn’t care. I reached a place in my life for my mom just couldn’t even hurt my feelings anymore and that’s when things stopped working. She used to use them a lot to kinda get what she wanted out of me and I think she needed to a lot of you and she’s just the worst to me for the longest and then Reese is a point where I just don’t care so when she insults or says something mean or tries to guilt trip me there isn’t an emotional response and I’m sorry that I got to that place with it. I don’t think I could’ve prevented it, but I could’ve just recognized. That’s where I was and Ben a little more gracious. But I guess you live and learn