Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Party = successful, current weight gain = not so much

My party was really good.

There were about 70 people, a ton of alcohol, and not TOO much craziness (Only 2 naked people, 4 bushes pee-ers, 2 vommiters, and one drunk guy passed out under the porch) Nothing got broken or stolen, and no one that wasn't invited showed up.

However, I drank a TON and not my usual low-cal drinks (We're talking hundreds of alcohol/sugar calories... I don't even remember) and got stoned as well, and ATE. Potato salad, burgers, hot dogs, pizza, chips, cookies... And yes, all of these items are plural.

Needless to say, I gained, and felt like SHIT the next day both physically and mentally. Augh.

NOW I'm back to super restricting because I have to get measured for my wedding gown on TUESDAY!

My goal is to lose 10 pounds in 6 days... I can do this if I am firm and put my mind to it... And even if I don't manage to, whatever I lose will be better than my current weight and make my dress smaller.

Today's intake has been only a salad and I plan to have some fruit and a Sugarfree Red Bull, putting my day at about 300 cals.

I can DO it.

I will do it.

Good evening, ladies. Think thin.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Party drama

I'm down about 4 pounds.

I'm having a party tomorrow, and there is DRAMA.

I didn't invite Chevy. I'm trying to break all ties with Chevy. I drunk texted him, and regretted it and haven't spoken to him since.

I did NOT invite him.

I've been AVOIDING him.

Someone told Chevy about my party, Heath texted me saying he knows, is planning on coming

I toast an English muffin, slather is with peanut butter, take a bite, about to binge my ass off. Then I stop. I put it down.

This will only lead to shittier feelings all day long. I have to wear a bikini tomorrow night... This is a bad idea.

I give the dog a bite, throw the rest in the garbage and pour dish soap on it. I walk away.

WTF do I do????

I text Chevy and tell him he's not invited.

I feel like a bitch.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Broken

I totally fucking binged last night. Broke my fast. More like smashed it out of the park.

Fuck.

I feel like shit this morning.

The fiance and I are fighting already today because I'm refusing to eat lunch with him, saying I just ate breakfast, (I didn't) and he wants me to eat lunch with him later... I said I'd bring the food to work with me, (it will end up in the freezer) but that wasn't good enough. He got all pissy and I got all pissy because he was trying to force me, blah, blah, blah.

I'm over it. I'll apologize and it will go away and I'll go back to day ONE (Cally, you fuck up) of my water fast. Thurs, Fri, water fast, Sat, Sun juice.

Sounds good to me.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Fat girl in a small size

Nothing like a little shopping to conflict my emotions.

"This is an extra small? How am I so fat and wear an extra small???"

One second, rejoicing in my size 2 shorts, size 3 dresses, and Extra small tops.

The next second, glaring at my jiggly thighs, flubby arms, and round belly in the harsh florescent lighting of the fitting room.

I have a massive headache.

BUT, being out of the house basically all day (I spent 4 hours at the mall) made it easy as pie to water fast (though I don't think I had ENOUGH water and is why I have a headache now) and I am DONE shopping for my honeymoon and got some SUPER cute clothes for MAD cheap.

And now I must go... I'm about to lie down and wait for the fiance to bring me home Excedrin.

Love you, ladies. Hope you're all doing well.

And SBB, and ANYONE else who wants to join my liquid fast, feel free!

Water again tomorrow followed by juice for 2 days and fruit/veggies for 2 days.

If you've never liquid fasted before, I HIGHLY recommend it. After 2 days, you start forgetting why you ever needed food in the first place.

It's actually quite nice.

Think thin, ladies.

Count down to measurements

Wedding dress measurements on Monday.

The plan: 2 days water fast, 2 days juice fast. At least 300 jumping jacks a day.

Then Monday morning, fitting before I've had time to bloaty-mcbloat-bloat, convince him to take it in very tight.

I need to be goal-oriented over the next few days.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Back from my trip and tired as shit

The past couple days were HIDEOUS on the consumption front, AND I barely slept AND I haven't had a proper BM in days.

Tonight: lax and sleep. Tomorrow: fewer cals, more working out.

My trip was good though. I didn' t gain, and we got everything figured out for our wedding.

After this weekend I'm going to get my dress altered... As soon as the bra I ordered comes in so I can get it sized with that. Probably in about 2 weeks.

SO the plan until then:
Exercise 45 mins daily minimum
No more than 400-500 cals a day.

I can drop a few pounds and get the dress taken in and voila... Maintain whatever weight I'm at for the following 2 weeks... Which might be hard, but I WILL do it!!!

I can do a month of this... I CAN!

Think thin, ladies.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

MORE Chevy drama

If you don't know who Chevy is, read this. Then this. Then this.

And I would suggest doing that now because basically this whole post is about him.

This morning blew. I strolled into work almost late, and there he was, waiting.

Chevy with all his drama and bullshit.

One moment, "You look ravishing this morning." The next minute, "How's your arranged marriage?" Hot and cold, back and forth. It was driving me nuts.

One second coming to me, hugging me. I say, "You're just angry." He replies, "Yeah because I want you to be with me." Realizes what he said in front of Mel, starts to walk away and says, "If I were drunk."

The ongoing flip flop that was somewhat present on Friday night is in full swing now.

Then, the terrible moment. Standing around, not doing anything, surrounded by co-workers doing the same.

"Cally can't hold her liquor, she's a lightweight. We went to "dive bar" Friday night, and she couldn't do it." Picking on me like always.

I retort, "Um, WE did not go to "dive bar." I was there with someone else and YOU sat at our table." I was joking... Completely kidding.

He snaps. "Look, we all know the reality of the situation. I have a text message in my phone I can show you." Ha ha fucking ha.

I was pissed. So pissed I started shaking. So pissed I almost cried. I just shook my head and looked away. He COMPLETELY embarressed me in front of them. Thank GOD the people who were standing around KNOW the situation and our history, but still. I felt like shit.

Mel followed me. I turned to her, "If he has a fucking text message from ME saying ANYTHING like that, if must be from fucking LAST summer. Does that mean he saved it!?"

And, ladies, I can almost guarantee that he has saved it. That that is EXACTLY what he was talking about. I remember the night. I remember the nights that followed when he picked on me about my drunk text, and I remember how I didn't talk to him for over a month because he was so relentless and hurt my feelings so badly. I'm not dumb. And I don't like to repeat cycles like this.

He always does that. Takes it too far and once I'm hurt and push him away, he comes groveling back to apologize.

No different today.

"I'm really am going to miss you though, Cally..."

"Don't talk to me."

I meant it. I didn't talk to him.

He asked me to hand him something, sees I'm not responding. Says, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole, I have no filter. I always do this and push people away but I don't mean it."

I know how he feels. I know his mood is worsening by the moment because he doesn't want me to marry my fiance. He wants me to leave my fiance and run away with him and live happily ever after.

And while I DO like him, and the thought HAS crossed my mind (as most of you know) I would never. He is too far out there for me to handle. He's too crazy. And he IS an asshole.

My fiance loves me, supports me, and would never treat me like that. And while inside I'm a stupid girl who likes the bad boys, I would never, in a million years, marry one or be with one for anything more than a fling.

But this doesn't solve the dilema I am in where he goes fucking ape shit every time we get around eachother. HE needs help. I don't know if I should sit down with him and just talk about all of this or what... I feel like the last time I was honest about it was when I drunk texted him, and we saw how THAT went... It keep getting fucking brought up every time he wants to push my buttons.

I just don't understand what he expects from me.

But anyway, I have to run... I'm leaving to head back home a night earlier, so blogging won't be an option. My juice fast went well today, and I think I'm going to break it soon so I can eat on my trip home because my mom is going to go nuts if I don't.

Good luck over the next few days, ladies! Think thin.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Last night and liquid fasting

Last night.... Oh, last night... I was drunk when I wrote that. From a SINGLE drink...

I was on my home, had just parted ways with Andy in the parking lot, when I looked over and saw Chevy's car. I pulled in next to it.

I told myself, "I'm going to call Andy and see if she wants to have a drink. If she says no, I go home, if she says yes, I stay here. I'm not going to go find Chevy, but if we happen to see each other, so be it."

Terrible idea.

Of COURSE Andy wanted to have a drink, she turned her car around and met me immediately. I walked inside, Chevy was at the bar next to some girl. He saw me, looked surprised. I walked over and he asked who I'm with.

What he meant is, "Your fiance isn't here, is he?"

I told him Andy is meeting me. He turned away from the girl like he wasn't talking to her. Andy and I ordered, settled at a table, and I watched him. I like him so much. But he's so fucked up in the head. He didn't talk to the girl anymore, she looked dejected. He basically turned his back to her. Then 4.5 minutes later, he came over to our table. I invited him to sit down.

It was so awkward.

I started to get REALLY drunk from a few sips, and they noticed. They made me order food. It wasn't enough once I finished, and I felt REALLY awkward eating in front of them, so there was no WAY I was going to get more. The whole thing was stressful. I was too drunk to enjoy anything, I was pissed that I had broken my fast, but KNEW I HAD to eat, and Chevy...

Chevy loves me. And talking to me hurts him.

This is painfully obvious.

The fiance called about a half hour later and said he was coming to join me. NOT exactly what I wanted, but I knew I couldn't drive myself home.

Chevy went outside to smoke a ciggy and didn't come back. I texted him when I left, but he didn't reply, which is what I was fully expecting.

Liking him would be so much easier if he didn't like me more.

I was depressed when we left, the fiance wanted to go get food. We stopped at Denny's, and I had chicken tenders with honey mustard, coleslaw, and tomato slices.

I got home and threw it up, along with the booze and appetizer from the bar.

I brushed me teeth and passed out, only to awake this morning regretting going to the dive bar and vowing that I will stop scanning the parking lot for his car every time I'm in the neighborhood.

But, drama aside, today I'm liquid fasting. And tomorrow as well.

I feel good about the water fasting I did, and if I hadn't broken it with my stupid drama eating bullshit, I would be right on track.

Today's intake planned: Fuze juice, Diet cran juice, and V8 totaling 100 cals. And LOTS of water!

Tomorrow the same, and then Monday only fruits/veggies most of which will be raw.

Monday I leave to go back home for a couple days to get my marriage license, order a wedding cake, etc.

I'll post when I can.

Hope you ladies are doing well.

Think thin.

Effffffff

Only water all day again today... And then on the way home from work, I drive past my favorite dive bar, Chevy's car in the parking lot. I call Andy, see if she wants to go have a drink.

I realize after 2 days of water fasting, I cannot drink without eating.

I eat. I drink. I eat again. I throw up.

Fail.

The whole scene is a fail: Chevy, drinking, eating, all of it.

The fiance takes me home where I blog behind his back.

Liquid fast again tomorrow.

Someone fix me.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I got emotional

I said I wasn't going to get emotional, but I did... VERY emotional.

I am going to confess it here... Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned. I got emotional, full of self-loathing, longing to hole up and never again see the light of day.

And then I snapped.

I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday binge-eating without purging. We're talking that too-full, bloaty, uncomfortable feeling.

All. Day.

I wanted to die.

The fiance was gone all day, and I was home alone, and I cried and ate and ate and ate. I don't think I've eaten like that since high school, when my ED first started.

I felt disgusting and mad, but I just couldn't stop. My stomach was so full, it looked stretched like I was pregnant. I felt like I was. I had indigestion all day and took laxatives to compensate for the fact that after all that junk, I would have trouble with the BM's. (I was right. Thank GOD I took them.)

Chocolate and cereal and sandwiches and pretzels and cheese and crackers and quesadillas and cookies and all KINDS of shit I do not allow myself.

I didn't care. I had lost the will to lose. I wanted to feel better, feel full, but I took it too far, and once I started I couldn't stop.

I was horrified with myself.

I still am when I think about it.

Then today, it's like someone flipped a switch.

I did not eat anything today. I only drank water.

This is not my usual behavior, but after yesterday, every time I felt hungry, it was replaced with guilt. I just wanted to DIE when I thought about what I had done. I wanted to go into the bathroom with a sharp knife and cut the fat off of my body. I wanted to cry and thrash around, and lament over my behavior.

But instead, I starved.

Every time I thought of food, I thought about how severely fat I am, and how I behaved yesterday, and I thought, "If I don't take the first bite, I will be able to just move on. It can't start if you don't take the first bite."

So I didn't.

No first bite. No last bite. No bites at all. No longing for them.

I fasted an entire day, and it is now bed time.

My goal is to fast tomorrow as well, and decide tomorrow night whether or not to continue with Saturday as well.

No more than 3 days, but it would be AWESOME if I could go at least 2 days... And maybe juice on Saturday, or something like that.

I think I can... I just won't take the first bite.

I have to make up for yesterday... I have to be thin.

And I have to stop hating myself and my body.

And the only way to do this is to starve.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sick today

I feel like absolute shit today.

My period is kicking my ass, and I had too much Splenda or caffeine or something today and got REALLY sick. Like, take a nap sick, which never happens. I attempted a workout, but couldn't manage to get through it. Almost threw up and fainted... Almost fainted in the shower as well... And I've had the worst cramps ALL day, even after 2 Aleve, 3 Extra strength Tylenol, and 2 Midol.

WTF?

I haven't felt so physically ill in a long time. And my mood is horrid. I cried about how fat I am multiple times today. Which, those of you who saw my pictures SAW... Sorry, they're gone now, loves. I can't stand the thought of people knowing what I look like and how grotesque I truly am.

But, alas...

I've been doing really well monitoring my calorie intake... Now it's time to up the workout and choose foods that have more to offer... Like fiber, neg cals, etc.

Tomorrow's goal:
1.) Solid hour plus workout. (Should burn about 400 cals)
2.) The following foods equaling about 300 cals
Oatmeal or Fiber cereal - 100
Tuna Lettuce wrap - 90
Veggies - 40
Apple - 60
3.) Thinspo from the libraryyyy!

I can't keep ordering books without the fiance getting suspicious.

In more emotional news...

I need to be thin.

This is not the time to get emotional, but the time to work harder.

And while I had quite a bit of a breakdown today, I REFUSE to get depressed about how terrible I look in my pictures...

I'm simply going to exercise longer, eat less, weigh more often.

I WILL achieve what I want, no matter what it takes.

On another note, it's amazing how people assume they know things about you when they read your blog.

Judging and knowing are 2 very different things.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Visit complete, pounds lost, and photos of myself. :-/

I managed to LOSE while my friends were here… I averaged around 500 cals a day, and I made sure we went hiking, walking, etc so I could kind of get in a workout.

I don’t even feel hungry lately… And food has become, yet again, something I am terrified of, and something that mentally and emotionally wears me down to the point where I just don’t want to deal with it.

I like being here. I like the counting and planning and terror over fat. It makes me lose. It makes me confident. It makes me happy in a twisted kind of way.

My current weight as of this morning was 115lbs. Just have to keep losing.

And I am posting pictures, though I still have a long way to go… A LONG way…

I’m huge.

However, I feel if I never let you all see who I am, it make my blog kind of meaningless, so here you are.

I will post these for an undetermined period of time and remove them as soon as I decide I can’t handle them being public any longer.

[Deleted photos... Sorry, ladies. Thank you for all the sweet comments.]

As you can tell, I’m only 5’4”. Short stubby legs, fat tummy, huge thighs. Even my knees are fat.

I just want to thin down all over and tone up a LOT.

However, I like my collarbones. They've always been really defined.

Alas, I must run.

Think thin, ladies. I’ll post again as soon as privacy permits.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Should have gone to the damn party

After my B&P last night I had ANOTHER binge... This time with no purge...

3 pieces of pizza.

"Confess your sins."

3 greasy pepperoni slathered oil-dripping pieces.

This is why I can't purge anymore... It leaves my defenses low and I eat whatever the fiance suggests. I contemplated a purge afterward, but 2 in a day is not a cycle I want to get into, so I made myself suck it up and suffer through the digesting.

Today's recovery plan: veggie lax, water, water, and water, workout once I've finished cleaning the house.

My weight says I'm up a pound from yesterday, but I haven't had a BM yet, so I'll weight after I flush the pound of pizza I ate... Augh. I want to throw up thinking about it.

Now this weekend will be the real struggle (like last night wasn't)... Some of my friends from college are coming into town. My dearest friends who I adore who have never known ED Cally.

The ones who weren't there when my personality fragmented into two.

My goals are to not exceed 500-600 cals a day and no purging. Minimal alcohol and squeeze in a workout if I can manage. If I do one today and Monday after they leave Sunday will be the only time I don't get one, so that will be okay.

The alcohol and calories will be the issues.

I'm going to attempt a fast today if I can manage... At least until whatever we do for dinner.

But, alas... I'll post if I get the chance.

Think thin, ladies.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Party or workout?

Home from work suuuuper fucking early tonight.

We were SO slow, 2 of us went.

I'm currently contemplating whether to go to the gym or a party... The fiance hasn't' texted me back about the party, and I feel a bit guilty going without him and without hearing from him, AND I REALLY should do a workout... Plus all those liquid calories...

My fun side is saying I should enjoy my night off, even though I'll be THE oldest person at this party... But my mature side is saying to clean the house, do a workout, and relax a bit...

Ana wins.

I'm staying home no matter how mad HP gets...

Some parties are not worth it.


EDIT: 9:42pm.

I should have gone to the party...

Instead I had a B&P... I just couldn't stop.

Candy, cookies, chips, cereal, peanut butter.

Now it's swirling in the septic tank while I re-hydrate on the couch... Mad at myself for fucking up a 5 day streak of no purging and a 4 day streak of amazing restricting.

Oh well.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Musings

Consumed 300 cals today, and it's 9pm. My goal is to not eat annnymore today.
Totally do-able.

I did a crazy cardio video this morning, and 300 jumping jacks to account for no workout yesterday.

In other news, my job sucks lately... I'm so over it. I told my boss yesterday I wanted to give up my promotion... Yes, I told him I wanted a demotion.

Crazy? Maybe, but whatever... I've never claimed that I'm not crazy.

I openly admit it.

I just can't handle the complete pile of bullshit that they want me to trudge through anymore... If I were wanting to stay on in the company, I would have dealt with it, but I do NOT... I'm moving in 7 months, and I hate, hate, HATE how they're all acting lately. And I can't NOT be involved and still maintain my job, SO there you have it.

I'm OUT.

Man I want to smoke after just THINKING about that hell-hole.

Speaking of smoking, I REALLY wish I could be one of those girls who can smoke and not get the immediate urge to pig the fuck out... You know?

I wish I was an intellectual type from 70's London who could smoke and discuss politics and paint and sip black coffee.

Instead of a fat cow who pigs out on Cheetos and snack cakes.

Which is why I'm staying AWAY from weed lately... Until I can channel a muse.

Speaking of muses, here is some thinspo... A little black and white... My favorite.






















Down but not out.

Down to 117 this morning... Not the best, but better that 120.

Didn't get to work out yesterday, but I plan on double time today to make up for it.

I'm getting used to the perpetually hungry feeling. Caffeine is a godsend and basically what gets me through my days and evenings at work.

More soon.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Pool-side depression

Yesterday = fabulous.

I'm hungry as shit right now, but a cup of coffee will quelch that and give me some energy... I'm going to sit by the pool and examine how fat I am, and my longing to eat will evaporate.

Replaces with self-loathing.

Think thin, ladies.

I'll post tonight after my workout if I can.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Rewind, repeat.

Same old cycles... Same old patterns.

Lose 2 pounds, gain two pounds.

Eat 300 calories all day, eat 1,300 when I get home.

Feel like I'm flying, feel like I'm dieing.

I'm so sick of it.

One more month until my wedding.

One week until my best friends visit.

I WILL be thinner.

For the next 5 days: 45 minute minimum intense workout

400 or fewer cals a day.

Then when the friends are here, ana and mia will also be here... And I will assure that they save me.

Once the friends are gone, I will formulate a new plan to drop the weight before my wedding and honeymoon.

I want to feel sexy in a bikini.

This should be an obtainable wish for most people.

I never have free/alone time anymore, ladies. So please forgive me if I don't blog or get caught up as much over the next few weeks.

I still love you all and think of you often and hope you are shedding pounds as quickly and skillfully as I WANT to.


Think thin. ♥