Saturday, July 4, 2009

Bound

It's been a looong past 2 months, ladies.

Very fucking long.

I've had the worst emotionally heart-wrenching experiences of my life, but things are looking up now... Hopefully...

The BF is back to being just the BF... No longer the Fiance.

It's a very long story, and I'm not even going to pretend to blame it all on him, because a LOT of it is me. BUT, basically I'm tired of him being 25 and not doing anything with his life. I'm tired of taking so much care of him. I'm tired of NO privacy because he didn't work for TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. I'm tired of him saying he'll go back to school, pay off his loans, all kinds of crap and not doing it.

SO, I started giving up.

Slowly, one day at a time, I began giving up. And then I let myself get WAY too close to Chevy. He's an AMAZING guy, and SO fucking hot, and with things going bad between the BF and I, it was sooo tempting. Especially since he likes me so much and pays a lot of attention to me and we honestly have a wonderful connection on a LOT of different levels...

He still likes me. Even last night he asked me about the BF and what's going on. And I asked him if he's moving away like he's talked about. And anyone could tell we were asking more than those questions. His answer was "I have a lot to sort out." And my answer was "Things are okay. A little better."

It's terrible, but I am pushing Chevy away slowly but surely... And I honestly hope he moves. There for a while, I was honestly trying to get with him. I know he's not the kind of person I would date, but he's just so... Charming and appealing. And believe me, I drank a lot and there were a couple nights where something might have happened if it weren't for a couple random factors...

But I don't want to be with Chevy. I want to be with my BF, as long as things change like he's promised. And I've told him that if they don't change, I'm leaving him. I cannot take things like they've been for the past few months.

And, am I content with that? Yes. I know my BF is SUCH a perfect match for me, and while I might be attracted to Chevy, I know he's not the person for me. I know anything that happened between him and myself would be overly dramatic and short-lived.

I love my boyfriend. He's an amazing person, and I know that no one will ever love me as deeply as he does, and I'm not going to just throw that away.

So, I'm listening to my heart AND my head.

My only dilema with all of this now is that I've been shit-talking the BF for about a month while all of this was going on, so everyone thinks things are a little worse than they are right now... But after a few more days of singing his praises and telling everyone who knew things were bad that they've changed, it should be okay... And my amazing new manager at work is having a party tomorrow, and I invited the BF so everyone could see us together and see how we're okay now.

Speaking of party, I'd hoped to loose some fucking weight by tomorrow, but no. Over the past 2 months, I've only maintained, which makes me feel disgusted with myself, but I'm not going to give up...

I have the will-power to lose weight. To be thin. The be beautiful. And I'm going to make it happen.

Now that all this shit with the boys is worked out, and the BF has a new job, I can focus on myself... And stop fucking emotional eating!!! AND I should have a little more privacy now since he'll be working, and I can update on here more which honestly helps me to focus a LOT.

SO, this is a new chapter. A new day. Life is getting better, and all that's left to work on is myself. My weight. My body.

Starting fucking TODAY!

I'm going to bring some food to work so I don't eat fucking bread while I'm there like last night. Augh.

SO food today:

B: Cereal - 70
L: Sauteed Mushrooms and onions - 110
D: Crackers/Fruits/Veggies, something... 300ish

No more than 500 cals!!! FUCK no!

I'm about to go do my ab workout and take my doggie out before I have to go to work.

I plan on updating myself on all of your lives tomorrow, unless the BF has the day off.

Love you ladies!

Think Thin!

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