Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"Thin," coffee, ciggy, no food

SO.. No food today.

Not a bite.

Well, scratch that. I had 2 "bites" of fajita steak, but I spit it all out and rinsed my mouth out. So, no bites digested.

I have to fix yesterday.

Yesterday at work, I fucking ate, so I didn't get to do the detox juice. I started feeling REALLY shitty and so sick and dizzy. Hunger overtook me. There was a burger that the cooks made by accident, and I fucking binged like a mofo on it. Then threw it up. Started feeling sick again. Ate some Spaetzli with mushrooms and onions, some blueberry tart that Cook C wanted me to taste-drive... I didn't want to eat anything, but I just couldn't help it... My blood-sugar got so low, and then once I started with the fucking burger-trigger-food... I couldn't stop.

And then when I got home, the BF had cooked, so I ate some bread with cheese and sauce.

I truly gave into the hunger yesterday. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop once that first bite happened.

SO, today I told myself no juice. If I can't do the juice for a fucking day, then today I can't eat anything.

I've had only water, and I'm going to try to just do juice tomorrow. Though the BF might make me eat solids, so we'll see... I don't know if I can do it.

I have to make up for things. I have to fix how shitty this has gotten. How bad I've let myself get. I mean, look what I ate yesterday... All carbs. Fucking kill me now.

I'm so TIRED of being fat. I'm so tired of seeing thin people around me and thinking, "I could look like them if I only tried hard enough." I'm so tired of wanting to wear a bikini in public, but being too fat to do it and having a breakdown before I go out every time. I'm so tired of crying in the shower because I absolutely hate my body. I'm so tired of worrying about every stitch of clothing I wear because I know it could make me look fatter than I am. I'm so tired of stepping on the scale absolutely dreading what it will say. I'm so tired of not being and feeling thin and sexy.

I'm just SO tired of it all, and it has GOT to stop. No more of this bullshit.

FUCK me.

BUT, that aside... If anyone is interrested, you can watch the HBO documentary "Thin" online here. That's the link to part one, and then you can just click the other parts in the window that comes up when a part is done.

It's a SUPER raw documentary. It's actually a little much to handle, but it's good. Those girls are SO fucking thin... I'm honestly jealous when I watch it, but I don't want to be that messed up in the head...

But I guess I am, aren't I?

I can totally identify with them in a lot of spots in the movie in the one-on-one scenes...

Anyway, as you can see, it's makeing me analyze myself a bit, so if you don't want that, I'd advise not to watch it.

Oh, and I'm surrently reading "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher, and it's excellent. I know this is going to sound messed up, but I've been using read it as an reward for good eating days... Before I go to bed, if I did well, I can read it, if not, I can't. It's a really sad/beautiful book. She's an amazing writer...

BUT, I have the day off today, and the BF is at work, and lemme tell you, it's amazing to have some time alone... I used it today to watch the movie, write in here, and start a thinspo scrapbook. I know the scrapbook sounds SO childish, but I need reminders.

And a bracelet... I also need a fucking bracelet.

And a ciggy. And a shower. And to go work out. And some fucking Splenda. And coffee.... Is that cheating on today? I've only had water. I'm crashing though with no caffeine... I may brew a pot and then see what happens.

First half a ciggy though, and clean up the mess I've made with the scrapbook.

I need some love, ladies... And I'm sending a TON your way. *MUAH!*

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