Monday, July 20, 2009

Mirrors

I've been TOTALLY outta commission because the BF and I have had the same days off each week so far. BUT soon, very soon, we'll get things balanced again, and I can blog once again.

I have been doing pretty fucking well...I'm down a couple MORE pounds, and I haven't gained at all. We even went away for a weekend, and I ate more than I normally allow myself... And I maintained!

The mia hasn't been terrible... I did last night, but it was okay because I haven't in a long time. However... Tonight the BF wants me to bake for him... Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Which is one of my FAVORITE desserts... So FUCK. We'll see how I do with that...

My food intake lately has been as follows:

B: 75 (no more)
L: 200-250ish
D: ???

I don't know exactly what my cut-off for cals per day is... I try to keep my calories as low as possible, which is HARD at work because of all the fucking food all around... But lately I get a side of grilled romaine with lemon vinaigrette on the side because it's only about 15 cals a serving without the cheese which I never get and bring some instant soup packets that are 35/45 cals. IF that was all I ate, I'd be good, but there are always bites of this and that and tasting the new menu items... And by the time I get home, I've eating something not ana-approved... I'm getting better tho.

BUT... I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm becoming even MORE neurotic (didn't know THAT was possible) about my weight. I weight myself like a million times a day, and I strip my clothes off every morning, look at myself in the mirror, scrutinize my body, weight myself, and that determines what kind of day I have.

The BF has noticed my mood changes... My sex drive is a big fat ZERO... I don't know... I just want to be smaller. I want to feel SEXY. And the more I try to feel that way, the less I do.

But he has no idea that I have an ED and that's my issue. He actually told me the other day, "You could never be anorexic. You like food too much."

I wanted to burst into tears, but I laughed instead.

He sees my binges. He sees me drink alcohol and smoke weed and loose inhibitions and eat whatever the fuck I want. And he doesn't notice when I don't eat... Only when I throw up. He still listens at the bathroom door, but I know this, so I don't at home unless I have a moment alone in the house.

He doesn't notice how much I hate the mirror.





2 comments:

  1. Ya the mirror is my enemy also...good luck with that carrot cake. That's really tough but you can be strong and exercise restraint! I notice that when I have healthy food (fruit, veggie a smidge of healthy fat) it's easier for me to be strong because my body isn't incessantly craving.

    I know that once I lose 10 I'll want 10 more but right now all my clothes are very uncomfortable (the 1/2 that I can still squeeze into) and I know that 124 is my okay weight.

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  2. well done with the losing hun!
    xxx

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