Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pizza and competition.

Yesterday's cals were around 500. Today around 750.

They're a little higher today because I had to eat pizza.

The hubby wanted to get pizza from this place we used to go to all the time before we moved away. Now that were back, he was anxious for some.

I ate about 100 cals of salad (and lots of coffee/diet coke/tea and a ciggy) all day in preparation because I've been trying really hard not to mia lately. I wanted to really really badly after the pizza, even though I wasn't grossly full like I normally am after carbs, but I didn't let myself.

750 isn't too bad, so I decided to let it slide, even though I feel gross.

I feel like I've been doing really well lately, but with no scale around I honestly have no idea. It scares me a bit, so I'm trying to just do what I know has worked before.

In other news, I think we may have found a house to rent!

It's not in the best neighborhood, and it needs some paint and cleaning and work, but the price is hard to pass up, and I don't mind working a little on a place. Plus, we're getting my brothers dog, and the landlord didn't have an issue with us having 2 dogs.

We're going to call tomorrow and figure things out.

The only thing I'm apprehensive about is what Noel will think about it...

I know I've mentioned her before, but I couldn't find the entry...

To make a very long story short, she is my competition in life. Fucking lame, but true.

She and her now hubby (who is my hubby's bff) started dating about a month after me and the hubby did. The boys were roommates at the time, so we spent a lot of time around them then.

Back then, she was the cuter girl.

Now she has gained weight, and I have lost weight, gained a major sense of fashion and gotten a hair cut. My wedding was in July, I weighed 112lbs. Her wedding was in August, she weighed 150lbs+.

She used to have an ed. She told me before that she missed senior prom because she was in the hospital. When I look at her now, I don't know if I believe that. (We're staying at their place right now while they're out of town and we're looking for a place, and my nosey self looked all through her photo albums and couldn't find any thinny thin pics. I know, stalker, but I'm crazy when it comes to her!)

I compete with her, and I honestly do not know why. I feel like I need to be better than her, and I never feel that way about anyone.

Every change we make in life, they make immediately after us. We hooked up, they hooked up. We started dating, they started dating. We got engaged, they got engaged. We got a dog, they got a dog. We got married, they got married THREE WEEKS LATER.

It makes me compete with her. Especially in the thin department.

SO, now that we're all going to be living in the same town again, I want a place that is enviable. I don't expect anything insanely nice, because I know our budget, but I don't want to feel like a failure about my home.

Being the thinnest is most important, but it's not all that matters in this dynamic.

Anyway, I guess tomorrow is decision day, so we'll see!

Think thin, ladies!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Obligitory family holiday dinners

I really hate my dad's family.

Having dinner with them is honestly the last thing I want to do. Them and all their stupid small talk, getting annoyingly sobby and drunk because we have no relationship.

Yeah because I refuse to pretend to like you.

They can keep their fake emotions. I know they only feel sorry for themselves. And they can keep their shitty calorie-ridden fatty food too.

My grandma is basically dieing of cancer. I don't care. It doesnt hurt. It hurts more that I don't care, actually. She told me at 12 years old that she didnt love me so why should I care?

My aunt is a drunk pathetic annoying individual. And my uncle is a total loser who thinks he's hot shit. I'd probably like him more if he hadn't married my aunt. What a huge mistake he made.

Plus, my mom turns into a giant bitch when she's around them.

Method to the madness that is family dinner: take an ana-approved ammount of several items that are relatively harmless, eat half of the ammount on the plate, feign a migraine, play with the food on the plate until everyone else is done, gross myself out about how nasty the food really is.

Easier than anticipated.

Nothing like a dysfunctional family to add to a disordered eater.

About 800cals today and I'm not eating another bite. Meh by my standards.

I wish I had my scale. Its really bothering me not being able to know my weight.

Also not getting a christmas text back from Chevy is bothering me, but that is a completely nother matter.

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ereader for christmas. With wifi.

This thing is so badass. You can expect more updates from me for sure!

I just bough portia's book and can read it with no one knowing. I can't wait to start it.

Moving has been hard. We still haven't found a place and I honestly have no idea what my weight is at because my scale is packed away.

We're staying at my moms house over the holidays so my eating hasn't been so fast foodish, but I feel like a whale. Her scale says I'm at 120lbs, and normally hers is about 2lbs heavier than mine, but I feel like I cannot possibly weigh 118lbs.

I feel like a thousand.

I honestly don't want to see any of my friends until I feel like I'm significantly thinner, and that is why I wanted to move back here so badly. I've put off making plans with or calling any of them...

True ed girl behavior, I guess.

The holidays haven't been super bad, (today's cals were under 500) but tomorrow is our big meal day.

Wish me luck ladies! I'm going to go confer with my mom about our menu so I can attempt to plan my calories.

Hope you all have a happy holidays and stay thin and fabulous!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Moving is almost here

I'm gaining.

It's hideous, and I'm about to go full blown crazy ana and starve myself to the point of tears if I don't stop.

I basically have NO control over what I'm eating lately, and even though I'm trying to be good with the choices I can make, the actual number of choices I get to make are SO low lately. There is absolutely no food left in the house that is ana-approved and the amount of fast food we've been consuming over the past couple days while we're in moving limbo is disgusting.

It's been SO stressful getting ready to move, I'm emotional, I'm not sleeping at ALL lately. My stomach has been hurting SO badly lately that I actually went to the emergency room today and they made me get a CT scan because they thought I might have an appendicitis.

Nope, just so fucking stressed out I can't function and my muscles/organs/digestion/sleeping patterns are fucking protesting.

I'm putting all of it behind me though. I'm embracing the scale and I WILL start to lose IMMEDIATELY or I will throw up every ana-approved bite... I will stop eating crap or I just won't eat.

I'm letting myself stress now and tomorrow, no more.

Tomorrow my daddy and brother arrive with the moving trailer to pack me and the hubby up and take us home.

Glorious home.

Where I will be finding a happy little home with my hubby and doggy and possibly my brothers doggy as well.

Then I will lose the fucking weight I'm putting on before I let ANYONE see me!!! Seriously, I have about 6 days to really get as much off as possible before I see the family for X-mas and then another 5 days before New Year to get some more off.

The plan for tomorrow-Wednedsay:
B: Fiber cereal
L: Can of fruit
D: ???

I'm going to keep Dinner to around 200 cals and as much fruit/veg as possible... Tomorrow = frozen dinner. After that I don't fucking know, but if I have to resort to good 'ole mia, I swear I will.

My fucking face even looks fat. And my stomach... Bloat city.

Fuck me I'm disgusting.

I'm going to pop some pills and try to get some fucking sleep tonight.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Back and looking ahead

Sorry for my absence, ladies.

Getting ready to move has been a LOT of work, and there's not much more time... One week! Even now I have other things that I'm supposed to be doing, but I thought I'd take a break from all of it and blog while I have the opportunity.

AND, to top it all off I was sick with ah horrid flu for a WEEK. I was dieing and of course gained weight. When you can't work out or go to work or even MOVE and your hubby is pumping you full of gingerale and crackers and soup and God only remembers what else, it's hard to maintain and I have gained.

Nothing terrible by the world's standards, but horrific by my own.

The past 2 days have been fabulous though. I'm feeling better and am back on track.

My goal is to lose 5lbs by Wednesday for my going away party (where if I do so, I'm allowed to drink whatever I like and eat a meal out) and another 1 or 2 before moving day on Saturday.

This would put me at around 113lbs when I move. And then ideally, I'll be 107lbs by New Year.

It's been easier lately... Except that I worked out SO hard before work the other day that both of my legs hurt QUITE a bit... If I stretch and take it easy I should be able to do another workout by tomorrow.

I'm feeling good about my current routines, but I'm kind of concerned about the holidays.

I know Christmas Day is steak and salad night and then the following day is when we're having our big holiday meal. And seeing as how I know what my mom is preparing, I can stick to a smaller meal.

However, with the hectic schedule of moving and holiday traveling, I'm concerned about controlling my meals.

I'm sure I'll work it out though.

But that aside...

Do you ever have a situation where you wonder how the HELL someone could be physically attracted to you?

I honestly feel that way about my husband every day, but then the other night at work I was thinking about it as well because basically the management team at my job consists of 3 men and they ALL want to sleep with me.

One never would because his girlfriend is already young enough to be his daughter, but the other 2 have SAID things along the lines of, "I want to have sex with you."

They're not really adamant about it, and it never even borders on making me uncomfortable because I know none of them would ever even try something unless I initiated it, but the other night they all started drinking toward the end of their shifts and I have never felt more sneakily ogled in my life. Only they weren't that sneaky about it.

And I don't understand because 1.) I'm FAT and ugly and 2.) This is what I wear to work:


Oh yeah, so sexy. I mean, I know black is slimming and everything, but I seriously look like a man in my work clothes.

I think a lot of the intensity lately is because they know I'm leaving this week and they've been trying for 2 years essentially to fuck me, and they think time is running out.

Guess what, boys. You never had time to begin with. And I don't fucking understand you.

And no, I will not come into work early today. It's fucking snowing and I have 3 shifts before I never see you all again.

In honor of the hideous weather outside my door, snowy thinspo.

Think thin, ladies!