Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Adam talked

Adam told people. About us. He flashed it around just enough that word got out, and we got into a huge argument. Then, he disconnected. As usual, during the coversation, he checked out and stopped responding. 

I got mad. I was hurt and angry, and I unleashed it. 

I told him off to the point that he said I was taking it too far. I didn't care. I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to react and respond. He did - he told me not to talk to him outside work. 

At work, it was drama. Gossip and people asking a million questions. I made up a story that made him look bad, and I spread it to all the necessary people. After all the conversations, I found out that he had told people before this incident. I told him at the end of the night that I wanted to talk a little after work. He said we would, but he didn't come talk to me, and he left. I texted him later, but he didn't respond. I got drunk, vented to my friends, did some blow and texted him again. I told him he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work anymore. 

I asked Jon if he ever told anyone about me and Adam. He said he never would, it wasn't his place. I told him, "I guess he's been spreading things around." He replied, "That wouldn't surprise me. He ruins every good thing he ever has." It makes me want to cry just thinking about the entire scenario and how Jon thinks I'm a good thing worth having... 

Our evening at work together was full of me flirting with boys in front of him to the point where he looked crestfallen. I used them like little pawns, and they all did exactly what I needed them to. I wanted him to feel like he's missing out and like he fucked up, like everyone else wants me and they might be getting me. I know he was jealous the second time around when I was at his house that evening and his comments about me fucking other guys came out of his mouth. I know he was jealous last night. He was uncomfortable. He looked sad. His reactions have been emotional, but his lack of communication has been selfish and his mouth running extremely disrespectful. I know he wants me, but I don't think he respects me or knows how to handle me. 

He's fucking a girl we work with who's a completel bimbo with a boyfriend. I know it won't last. I know this. And I know how messed up he is, but my fucking girl jealous emotions are reeling. He's hidden it pretty well, and he's definitely tried not to let me catch on. I wonder, though, if it's because he wants to maintain me or her. I feel like gravitates to her because she's young and easy. She's naive and won't ever pressure him. She's like Maggie. The girl wears butt pads for godsake. She's no curvy hippie... And he literally knew she wanted to bang him and literally avoided it for months. I know I could ruin it with one conversation with her, but I won't. If he leaves me alone, I'll do the same. I'm better than all that. 

I'm still processing all the factors, but I know this all played out for the best. It, however, still stings. I have my real world. I have my closure. Just like I've had before with all the other side boys, I let them go in anger when they won't be honest with me and cling to the man I actually love. I did it with Gerard and Bird and Bogs... The ones I let in more than once are always a messy situation. 

And I end up missing them. I watch them go on to date or fuck other girls who I know don't measure up to me, and I think about them sometimes in the middle of the night. I always wonder if I'm special to them. If I meant anything. I'll never forget the evening when Bird told me I was a stupid bitch for being with Chris because he hit me. And the evening be told me he wanted to marry me. I know he loved me. I'll never forget the night Bogs said, "you are and always will be special to me." And I'll never forget the night I spent at Gerard's house when I could literally feel how much he wanted me to be with him then and forever. With Adam, I'm not sure... I don't think he let himself get to the point where he cared about me like they did. He cut it off to early and moved on to a girl he doesn't have to feel anything over. But I know he thinks I'm amazing. I know he loves me as much as he would let himself love anyone. 

I have to stop this process. I have to let this one go more quickly and with less emotion because of the situation. 

I need to stop getting a new boy when we break up. Hopefully that just never happens again and I don't need a fallback boy, because they never measure up... I wish I knew how to handle relationship issues without just getting a new one. It's like when your dog runs away and you immediately go get a new puppy. I do that with boys. Only sometimes the dog comes back home and I have to give the puppy away then. 

No one will ever be CS. That's why he's the one I'm going to marry. I need to realize that there's only one of him and one day he will have all his shit together. I just need to let go of our messy past. 

And I need to figure out why male attention is such a sickeningly strong need for me. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016


Some days I wake up and just know it's going to happen. Before I even step on the scale or worry about my life stressors or anything... I know Mia is going to take over. 

Totally unpleasant b&p. My semester is starting and I don't have my internship sight for next semester. I am broke as fuck and unable to get anyone to give up a shift. I didn't get to see the fiancé all day yesterday because when I finally got home he had drunk himself to sleep. I'm fat. I've been an alcoholic lately; I've been drinking every freaking night. I've been stressing like crazy. 

It makes me feel like shit and better simultaneously. How is that possible? 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Open brain, empty on blog

I'm settling down about Adam...

However, there is a certain amount of intimacy that suddenly exists with him. It's frustrating because I hate it and love it simultaneously. It's nice that he's not acting SO fucking exhausting and strange, but it's annoying that he took so long to get this way and that I constantly have to remind myself where the boundaries are.

He constantly cracks jokes and converses with me, references conversations we've had before, stays close, texts me back, even tells me his plans to go out... He and Al were talking about me tonight. I overheard them, and he said, "We have a different type of relationship." He was telling him that we're close. He said "different" but his tone said "special." Dom made a joke about how getting me was like wining the lottery and Adam chimed in, "We call that hitting a jackpot."

I'm a little fucking scared that he might run his mouth... It's scary/frustrating that John knows. After the Dom comment when we both walked away, he told me, "I almost said something totally different..." and I told him he better not. He laughed and smiled and told me he wouldn't say things in front of people, but I feel like he suddenly wants to tell people, and I don't like that uneasy feeling. 

He likes me. I know it, and while I kind of like him, it's not enough for anything. It's nice to get the attention, though. I think he likes to fantasize that we're close and there's potential. But, the reality is we will never be anything more than coworkers who hooked up. Buddies.

In reality, I love my fiance like fucking crazy, and I deeply fear that he could somehow find out about this last little fling. It's all too close, and this town is real fucking small sometimes. It makes me feel dirty and annoyed with myself. I hate that I let someone who's not worth the effort get into a place where he doesn't belong. If I were single, I still wouldn't let him have that much more than he currently gets. But the fact that I'm not makes me fucking pissed at myself that I let him have anything at all.

Anyway... Fucking boys suck...

My weight has dropped and plateaued. I lost about 7 pounds, and it's stayed off even with a couple current bad habits, which is encouraging. Now, it's time to lose a little more again. I need to restrict hard for another couple weeks so the cycle repeats itself. A slow decline...

Today was pretty good... I have to lay off the drinking for a while, though. I have been getting wasted, binging, purging, not planning my food enough... Today was good only because I ran errands all day and then went to work. Also, today is the first day I did not drink in a long-ass time. Like ten days or something. Crazy how much I have been drinking.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to try to sleep and forget all about the crap I just unloaded on here.

Friday, May 6, 2016

FML - Adam and the rest

I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about it... I

I enjoy Adam. And that only happens with a very select few people in the history of Cally. Most of the guys I've fucked around with weren't anything that made me get all that excited. The physical aspects were always more of obligation so that I could get more attention. I used the physical to feel power. I got off on the attention. In reality, out of all the guys I've messed around with, there's only a few that I wanted the physical stuff with also. And Adam is one of them, which is what makes this shit so difficult. I want his attention, and I love the way he touches me. 

I texted him tonight. Something casual, but I wish I wouldn't have. He didn't respond, and I don't expect him to. He doesn't work tomorrow, so that's a relief. I don't know how I should interact with him now. I should probably ignore that this ever happened, but I don't know if I can...

It was so hot. The way he put his hands in my hair, the nibbling, the telling me to keep my hands out of things, him telling me how good I feel, him giving me a peck on the ass when I leaned up, and the fact that he was kissing me. And when I mentioned that he was kissing me, he just did it more. It wasn't, "when I kiss you I get emotional about you, so I don't want to." It was, "I like you. Kiss me and let me seduce you."

He let himself get drunk and go for it. It's so rare for him. I feel bad but also so fucking honored. 

The finance knows something is up. He hints. I hint back. I promise from now on. I'll be faithful from now on. I make jokes and use sarcasm and avoid details. He knows. But he doesn't want to know. So he's going to let it slide this time, but I think we both realize that's the last time he will. It's also the last time I ever want to do something like this, because I don't like how it makes me feel. 

But I did last night. And that's the fucking issue. 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Fat whore.

I hate myself.

I'm a fat whore of a slut who doesn't deserve anything...

I hooked up with Adam last night... With an engagement ring on my finger. I needed to once more. Maybe not needed, but wanted. Badly wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pretty and sexy and he wanted me enough to make himself uncomfortable. I needed him to come back one last time like they all do. I needed him to let me in and stop bullshitting me. And I was wasted. Not that I think that makes it more forgivable or anything, but I was wasted. And I was out surrounded by attention and wanting more.

I had a fleeting thought that I should leave. That I should just get into my car and head home. And then he was pulling me in with his dick getting hard rubbing all over me. He was telling me how he wants to have anal sex once in his life and with me specifically. He was grabbing on my ass and telling me things about how hot last time was, and I got in his car, and we climbed into the back seat, and I got him off. He was calling me beautiful, breaking his own rules about food and drinking, actually kissing me, talking with me about his real life, and confessing that he had indeed told someone about us.

Until last night, I thought he hadn't told a soul we hooked up. I thought it meant so little or that he was so ashamed that he didn't tell anyone he fucked me. Then he tells me John knows. And even if he didn't, he does after last night.

I think we were too obvious about it, though, and I worry about the backlash today. He hugged me with all my coworkers around and felt on my ass to see what my panties were like. I pulled away and smacked him, but John saw. And he had a smirk on his face just like Adam did, and I'm sure I did too.

I came home feeling like trash. I still feel like trash. I quietly came in with the fiance passed out drunk on the couch and left him there. I didn't want him checking what time I got home. I didn't want to get in trouble. And I needed space to process what I had just done.

I have to never do this again to him. He doesn't deserve it. He's been working two jobs, handling his addictions, and hasn't hit me in a very long time. There was a point in time when I hooked up with other guys because he acted like a piece of shit, but that's not now. He's changed, so I have to also.

Because I don't want to think about other guys when I'm with him. I don't want to feel guilty. And I don't want to ever get caught or catch anything and have to tell him I hurt him like this. It would kill him and us. And I need us. I may want attention and to feel pretty and wanted from everyone, but in reality, I don't need it. I need us, however. Badly.

I'm just going to have to pull away. I need to realize I made a huge mistake on this one and figure out how to fix it within myself.

I feel like I'm going to vomit right now. I'm so upset with myself. I've been on the verge of crying all night and barely slept. I'm supposed to go run group... I almost canceled today, but I think I need to make up for the mistakes I've made today. At least a little.

Because right now I hate myself and want to hole up and die somewhere.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Lean and clean and loved

The scale has been kind the past few days. My body is releasing the weight slowly but surely, and this morning was a nice number. 

Today's intake was good. Or maybe today was just good... Which was fantastic, because I've been in a really low place lately. 

I ate very little today, got a lot accomplished, didn't have to go to work, and had some amazing sex with the fiancé to boot. 

Our relationship is so good sometimes. Sometimes we just end up on the same page and enjoy our time, and I feel heard and appreciated. He's been making such an effort lately, since our last big argument. It feels nice. It feels right and like we've worked very hard to get here and we're beginning to enjoy it more and not just fight for it all the time. 

Also, I think that when I am losing weight well and eating properly and getting my life in control, I don't cause issues over things like I have in the past. I let myself enjoy things without worrying. It's rare, but really fucking nice when it happens. I know he loves me, and when I have everything falling into place within myself, I know I'm much more pleasant to be around, and I see that reflected in how he interacts with me. Reaping what you sew and all that, I guess. 

One thing about Ana though, is that she's compulsive... Suddenly lately, I find myself starting projects, especially cleaning. Like my whole fucking house. I wash at 3am, clean behind the furniture, organize every cabinet and drawer, dust obscure places... I just jump up in the middle of watching tv or any meaningless inactive, and just DO shit. I can't sit still. The fiancé makes comments and asks if I took some aderall and if I'm going to come sit back down.

And then, in that moment, I remember my ex asking me that one night at 3am when we lived in the mountains because I was mopping the kitchen floor... That was the period when my ED was at its worst. 

But somehow I don't care... I like when I'm thin and my house is spotless. I want to do it all and have it all, and I'm going to. I feel invigorated, and I'm going to stop being a fat slob and be an enviable perfect person with ALL of her shit together. 

Think thin. 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Upset and fat

I don't know why it upset me so badly... 

The excuses. The pretending. The bullshitting. And then the fucking truth. I want to tell him to stuff it, but I don't know. I don't know what reality actually is...

They all ask why it upsets me so much. I honestly don't know why it does but it DOES. I feel like there was a real chance but he was too two-faced or scared or insane to take it... When I asked if he wanted the chance, I was met with "I don't want to get emotional about you because you have a man." But I don't think that's a real reason not to pursue someone who's interested in you... I think if you really like someone, you just pursue them. But maybe he just knew he'd only be the side guy... Maybe he just isn't ok with that for whatever reason. 

It's just too different. And he's too crazy. 

It bothers me because I want the attention I've earned by now, and I'm sick of the boundaries and his fucking up and not taking chances he has STILL. He just lets me go, and I want him to want me enough to give in to kisses and invites and texts. And to be honest. 

But last night was nice. It was nice to be met with honesty or what at least felt like it. It was nice to get real responses even when what I was texting could be perceived as too much. 

But I gotta get over this. I should never have opened the door to this. I was wrong about the outcome. Apparently I don't know everything... It pulls on my heart strings a little too much. And this time I want to get married and not be thinking about someone else and their feelings as I move on with my life. 

I'm just relieved he's not working tomorrow. 

I feel so fat tonight which isn't helping my mood about this... I feel like zero percent confident at the moment. The scale says I'm still ok, and I honestly must have burned like a million calories at work today, but I feel disgusting. I ate fairly well also... Only real slip up was some pasta because I was too hung over to live. But yeah... 

I've been drinking too much. I have to stop for a little while here and let my body get to starving easily. 

But anyway. I'm pooped. Day over. Think thin.