I enjoy Adam. And that only happens with a very select few people in the history of Cally. Most of the guys I've fucked around with weren't anything that made me get all that excited. The physical aspects were always more of obligation so that I could get more attention. I used the physical to feel power. I got off on the attention. In reality, out of all the guys I've messed around with, there's only a few that I wanted the physical stuff with also. And Adam is one of them, which is what makes this shit so difficult. I want his attention, and I love the way he touches me.
I texted him tonight. Something casual, but I wish I wouldn't have. He didn't respond, and I don't expect him to. He doesn't work tomorrow, so that's a relief. I don't know how I should interact with him now. I should probably ignore that this ever happened, but I don't know if I can...
It was so hot. The way he put his hands in my hair, the nibbling, the telling me to keep my hands out of things, him telling me how good I feel, him giving me a peck on the ass when I leaned up, and the fact that he was kissing me. And when I mentioned that he was kissing me, he just did it more. It wasn't, "when I kiss you I get emotional about you, so I don't want to." It was, "I like you. Kiss me and let me seduce you."
He let himself get drunk and go for it. It's so rare for him. I feel bad but also so fucking honored.
The finance knows something is up. He hints. I hint back. I promise from now on. I'll be faithful from now on. I make jokes and use sarcasm and avoid details. He knows. But he doesn't want to know. So he's going to let it slide this time, but I think we both realize that's the last time he will. It's also the last time I ever want to do something like this, because I don't like how it makes me feel.
But I did last night. And that's the fucking issue.