Thursday, May 5, 2016

Fat whore.

I hate myself.

I'm a fat whore of a slut who doesn't deserve anything...

I hooked up with Adam last night... With an engagement ring on my finger. I needed to once more. Maybe not needed, but wanted. Badly wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pretty and sexy and he wanted me enough to make himself uncomfortable. I needed him to come back one last time like they all do. I needed him to let me in and stop bullshitting me. And I was wasted. Not that I think that makes it more forgivable or anything, but I was wasted. And I was out surrounded by attention and wanting more.

I had a fleeting thought that I should leave. That I should just get into my car and head home. And then he was pulling me in with his dick getting hard rubbing all over me. He was telling me how he wants to have anal sex once in his life and with me specifically. He was grabbing on my ass and telling me things about how hot last time was, and I got in his car, and we climbed into the back seat, and I got him off. He was calling me beautiful, breaking his own rules about food and drinking, actually kissing me, talking with me about his real life, and confessing that he had indeed told someone about us.

Until last night, I thought he hadn't told a soul we hooked up. I thought it meant so little or that he was so ashamed that he didn't tell anyone he fucked me. Then he tells me John knows. And even if he didn't, he does after last night.

I think we were too obvious about it, though, and I worry about the backlash today. He hugged me with all my coworkers around and felt on my ass to see what my panties were like. I pulled away and smacked him, but John saw. And he had a smirk on his face just like Adam did, and I'm sure I did too.

I came home feeling like trash. I still feel like trash. I quietly came in with the fiance passed out drunk on the couch and left him there. I didn't want him checking what time I got home. I didn't want to get in trouble. And I needed space to process what I had just done.

I have to never do this again to him. He doesn't deserve it. He's been working two jobs, handling his addictions, and hasn't hit me in a very long time. There was a point in time when I hooked up with other guys because he acted like a piece of shit, but that's not now. He's changed, so I have to also.

Because I don't want to think about other guys when I'm with him. I don't want to feel guilty. And I don't want to ever get caught or catch anything and have to tell him I hurt him like this. It would kill him and us. And I need us. I may want attention and to feel pretty and wanted from everyone, but in reality, I don't need it. I need us, however. Badly.

I'm just going to have to pull away. I need to realize I made a huge mistake on this one and figure out how to fix it within myself.

I feel like I'm going to vomit right now. I'm so upset with myself. I've been on the verge of crying all night and barely slept. I'm supposed to go run group... I almost canceled today, but I think I need to make up for the mistakes I've made today. At least a little.

Because right now I hate myself and want to hole up and die somewhere.

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