Friday, May 13, 2016

Open brain, empty on blog

I'm settling down about Adam...

However, there is a certain amount of intimacy that suddenly exists with him. It's frustrating because I hate it and love it simultaneously. It's nice that he's not acting SO fucking exhausting and strange, but it's annoying that he took so long to get this way and that I constantly have to remind myself where the boundaries are.

He constantly cracks jokes and converses with me, references conversations we've had before, stays close, texts me back, even tells me his plans to go out... He and Al were talking about me tonight. I overheard them, and he said, "We have a different type of relationship." He was telling him that we're close. He said "different" but his tone said "special." Dom made a joke about how getting me was like wining the lottery and Adam chimed in, "We call that hitting a jackpot."

I'm a little fucking scared that he might run his mouth... It's scary/frustrating that John knows. After the Dom comment when we both walked away, he told me, "I almost said something totally different..." and I told him he better not. He laughed and smiled and told me he wouldn't say things in front of people, but I feel like he suddenly wants to tell people, and I don't like that uneasy feeling. 

He likes me. I know it, and while I kind of like him, it's not enough for anything. It's nice to get the attention, though. I think he likes to fantasize that we're close and there's potential. But, the reality is we will never be anything more than coworkers who hooked up. Buddies.

In reality, I love my fiance like fucking crazy, and I deeply fear that he could somehow find out about this last little fling. It's all too close, and this town is real fucking small sometimes. It makes me feel dirty and annoyed with myself. I hate that I let someone who's not worth the effort get into a place where he doesn't belong. If I were single, I still wouldn't let him have that much more than he currently gets. But the fact that I'm not makes me fucking pissed at myself that I let him have anything at all.

Anyway... Fucking boys suck...

My weight has dropped and plateaued. I lost about 7 pounds, and it's stayed off even with a couple current bad habits, which is encouraging. Now, it's time to lose a little more again. I need to restrict hard for another couple weeks so the cycle repeats itself. A slow decline...

Today was pretty good... I have to lay off the drinking for a while, though. I have been getting wasted, binging, purging, not planning my food enough... Today was good only because I ran errands all day and then went to work. Also, today is the first day I did not drink in a long-ass time. Like ten days or something. Crazy how much I have been drinking.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to try to sleep and forget all about the crap I just unloaded on here.

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