Want to die

I want to die. I welcome the moment. I’d rather die than drag myself through the days ahead. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m so depressed that I’ve thought about checking myself in somewhere. But I’m not allowed to be at this point in life. I need to do better. I need to not be depressed. So. How do I do that, specifically? 

I hate myself

 I’m fucking everything up. My binging is out of control. I can’t stop purging. I can’t stop taking whatever I can get my hands on. I can’t force myself to go to work. My mental health is in the fucking toilet and idk what to do about it. 

I hate my parents and my husband. I hate all the bills I have to pay and how bipolar I am all the time. I hate the looming baby in my future that is making me put certain things off, and I hate my body. I hate this fucking pandemic. I hate everyone who ever wants anything from me. I just want to not be important to anything or anyone ever. I want to just disappear. 

I have the worst diarrhea of my life and I can’t help but think I did it to myself somehow. I don’t know how tho...

And I really did intend to go to work today. I fucking hate myself. 

Tired

My attendance at work has improved. My management of my second job has improved. My weed smoking has improved. My weight has not. And my relationships are all in the toilet  

I’m so defeated, and I feel like there are only like 3 people on the planet that I actually like right now and one of them is my child and two of them are my best friends. My husband and parents and everyone else I have to come into contact with on a daily basis are on my shit list. The world is my shit list. 

I have no patience, I’m having pain issues, my anxiety is so severe that my panic attacks are bad lately. I have to get medical testing done, and when you look it up every website says cancer or surgery. And I’m trying to use cognitive things to manage stress rather than substances. It’s not an easy battle on weeks like this. 

I told myself no more weed and that I can only use benzos on the weekends when the step kids are here. I think that’s a good balance for now. I have stuck to it pretty well overall. But I’m tired. 

I’m tired of people always pushing me right to my breaking point before they stop. I’m tired of my job being a place where I’m surrounded by fucking morons that make my life harder. I’m tired of my husband being a moody little bitch because of any reason he can find. I’m tired of my mom using guilt as a weapon and acting like a fucking victim. I’m tired of my dad being the biggest fucking pushover I know. I’m tired of enjoying clients more than my friends. I’m tired of not seeing my real friends. Im tire of my body not being what I need or want it to be. I’m tired of not drinking. I’m tired of being in a relationship and being a wife and a stepmom. I’m tired of dealing with everyone else’s selfish agenda every waking moment of my life and no one ever stopping to make sure I’m ok.

News flash. I’m not ok.

I want to take my baby and run away and start over. Maybe I will once he starts school.

All this over a fucking football game. 

Double blind

 I don’t know what I’m doing lately. 

I’m trying not to be fat and miserable and to be a good mom and a good employee and a good wife, but I feel like I can barely get out of bed most days. 

I want to be thin. I want to look like I’m ok on the outside even if I know internally I am a mess. I want to not show the world that I’m falling apart. Being fat is shameful. Fat people are sad .

Realizations and epiphanies hit me at all hours of the day. Sometimes when it’s inappropriate or just inconvenient. I’m processing old shit in new ways, and it sucks. I’m thinking about old loves and old lives and old versions of myself, and it’s overwhelming. I feel on the edge of tears often. Most of the words I preach I feel are intended for myself. I have nightmares about Bogs and feel grief all over again. “You are, and always will be, special to me.” He was wrong. He had to be. 

My therapist says I have no self esteem and that I tell myself too many negative things about myself. I realize it’s because I have never fit in anywhere. I think back to the biggest fears group - the fear that I will disappoint. Why didn’t someone stop me then? My upbringing was all about fitting into a mold. As was my major, first job, many subsequent jobs, and lots of relationships. 

I’m tired. Think thin? 

Checking out.

 I wish my husbands mental health wasn’t such a goddam shit show. 

Lately he’s unbearable. He name calls, curses, yells, mumbles shit under his breath, and acts like every word I say when I’m talking is the most annoying thing. Like he just can’t wait for me to shut up. He pushes me to my breaking point and then when I snap, he starts sucking up. I’m literally so sick if it right now I could pack up my shit and leave him. He has the ability to frustrate me like no other. I need to check out. So I am. No more patience for about a week. When he is bad, I’m checking out. 

He better hope he gets some therapy soon. 

Wanting to die.

I have been having a very rough week... I have just felt badly for no major reason I can identify. And I’m annoyed that when I get emotional and I'm given an outlet I just can't shut up... it's actually something that I do that really bothers me in my day to day life, especially at work. I talk about myself too much in my opinion. The hubby and I spoke and he said I bring too much to him. He can’t handle it. I need therapy. 

I literally didn't go to work this week. Which is a problem, but somehow it turned out ok in the end...? Monday was a holiday, and Tuesday I woke up and called out of work immediately.

I am literally not really sure what caused me to call out... and I have been borderline obsessing about it all week. I opened my eyes and literally could not get them open because I was so TIRED.

The previous two weeks, I honestly didn't get good sleep for the entirety of two weeks, because my husband injured his arm, which caused him not to sleep well and the toddler not to sleep well because HE had a terrible anxiety reaction to my husband suddenly not being able to lift him or attend to his needs, so the baby was thrilled I was home but confused and regressed with his sleep a lot for those two weeks. I was drained and tried to catch up over the long weekend but didn't get a real chance to.

So Tuesday I called my boss and told her I had a migraine (which was also true) and she canceled my day for me. The next day when I woke up, I felt so depressed and exhausted and still just had a headache - I called out again. I told her I was feeling ill and would set up a doctor appointment. The policy right now is if you have "symptoms" you have to be cleared by a doctor and if you get tested you have to wait for negative results to go back to work. I knew my second day call out was going to result in being out the rest of the week. I knew this when I called. I'm pretty sure I could have toughed it out both days if I had really wanted to, honestly. But I think in that moment I didn't care if I even got fired which is NOT an ok thought process given that I am the sole income for my family.

At this moment, I'm still not really sure if it was physical or mental... I called my doctor, and they sent me to get a COVID test because I was having fatigue and a terrible headache. It was negative, which doesn't mean I wasn't still physically sick, but I feel like this might be more related to being depressed and tired and feeling emotionally drained more than an actual physical illness... I have had issues in the past and will throw up if I'm nervous or get headaches due to stress, but this seemed extreme for that. So I'm really not sure what to think... even now.

The end result of the whole process is I spent $120 to get a COVID test and suddenly had a week off work. At my second job, I get to set my own hours, so I also didn't work that job last week the one day I was supposed to. I cost myself a lot of money by not working basically an entire week, and I do risk losing some of my second job work, because if we don't engage well, we miss out on jobs. But this is the first time I have ever canceled a shift and it didn't seem to be an major issue.

By Thursday I was having a huge mental breakdown about it (mostly the money aspect) and then my husband got his financial aid money for school, and it was more than we anticipated, so suddenly the money of the situation was fixed, and I still knew I had 3 days before I had to go back to work.

But I am currently feeling like I have just fucked up my main job. I have had a lot of things over the past 2 years that resulted in calling out. I have an occasional day where my depression is so bad I don't care what losses I will incur or potential consequences, I just can't DO anything. Like I know I can, but I feel SO incapable. I go on auto pilot. Nothing seems real. I'll text or call out before I even have a real thought about it - it will just be done already. And then I sit like a zombie. I don't shower if I can avoid it, eat crap, avoid everyone and everything and really only attend to the bare needs of my household. Usually it's just a day or two and I'm back to functioning ok. Usually I get caught back up really quickly. But not this week...

I literally could not stop feeling like garbage. Even when I got caught up on sleep finally, I just felt extremely depressed and extremely anxious, like daily panic attacks which hasn't happened in a while. I had to take benzos a few times, which I don't like to do, because I think at one point I was a little too dependent on them to manage my anxiety, and I also think they make me a little depressed when I use it too often, so my husband kind of like checks on me with them, and I feel the need to hide this for some reason from him, even though he has said he doesn't care if I need to use them... I just never tell him when I take one. I smoked all week A LOT this week (which if it ever came up that it was in my system, I would get fired, so I struggle with a lot of guilt about smoking. I used to use it to self-medicate for anxiety pretty effectively, but I don't have that balance anymore. I smoked this week to the point where it was becoming even a little of a finance concern, and I binged and purged many times in the beginning of the week, and then resorted to just binging for the second part.

I think sometimes I use the weed to shut up that voice telling me not to eat like this so that I can just enjoy a binge. It's fucking sick. I have been wanting alcohol SO badly this week. Honestly I'm a bit bitter that I haven't had a drinking option in like a year.

Sometimes I get resentful that I had to give that up to stay with him when I didn't have an issue honestly. So now I eat I guess. I even ordered groceries with food I normally wouldn't serve to my family stating it was because I needed easy meals while I was out sick, but a huge part of it was disordered, and I know that. It's not even a mild concern anymore, It's bad. And this annoys the SHIT out of me, because I have struggled with disordered eating literally all of my life, and it's like fucking whack-a-mole. I will get a part under control for a while and then something is back.

This most recent concern developed after I went back to work after my 2 year old was born. I didn't gain "baby weight" or even really a lot of weight on maternity leave. It was when I went back to work. I was stress eating a lot and struggling to keep any positive eating patterns going for any period of time. I am still in that boat. I need to lose weight badly. I am at the highest weight I have ever been at aside from pregnancy, and it seems like I will do well for a little while and then crash and burn as soon as my stress level increases. I had lost ten pounds leading into the week my husband got hurt, and then I know I have probably gained all that back the past 3 weeks.

I had a hard time with feeling like I don't get to see enough of the baby when I first went back to work, and I know that was a factor of stress eating. I still struggle with this thought on occasion , but I also WANT and need my career - there's not an ideal option, and I have picked my pain. Even this week it was like wonderful to be home with my baby for a week and enjoy him, and I wish I had more of that but I also know I need work. I don't think I stress eat about this specifically anymore. Now it just feels like all stress makes me want to binge. I have a high stress job that I love, but recently the agency itself absolutely sucks more and more. I feel like for the past 3 years, I will get into a good rhythm at work, and then something will change in the agency where I struggle to adapt to the change. Then I adjust and something else changes. Then COVID. And now the changes are bigger and more difficult, and I think there is just a huge disconnect between the population we serve and the people with any actual decision-making power. The manager that I have worked with the past 2 years is leaving, and I'm horrified. She was a saving grace there, and I worry what will replace her. I think she has also protected me in a lot of ways from consequences because she knows I AM a good employee when I am there. I just have issues being there to the level that is expected. We have a lot of performance measurements, and I always do really well on those, so I know that's one reason why I haven't been "looked at" to this point, but the other factor I know is that she has protected me to a degree. I also worked in restaurants for many years where behavior like mine is not considered even an issue 99% of the time and I think I have struggled to adjust to a "real" job the last 3 years.

I feel like I need to get my shit together and give them the 40 hours per week they pay me for but it's a hard job and my job will always be a second priority to my family so I struggle sometimes with any feeling of balance with this. One of the things that I struggled with this week especially is guilt about what my absence at work does. I have scheduled meetings with the families that we serve and those have to get rescheduled. My schedule is usually mapped out several weeks but we have been SO insanely short handed since COVID started that I have like every hour of my week scheduled out almost 6 weeks in advance right now. So everyone I missed this week has to wait longer to start the process, and my coworkers have to pick up slack with executive responsibilities that day, and my boss has to handle disgruntled people who already waited for their appointment just to have it rescheduled. I'm dreading tomorrow and all the emails/voicemails I will have to address and return. It creates work even when I'm not there...

I just want to function better. Healthier. I want to lose weight in a healthy way, and I'm not sure I know how to. I don't want to be depressed like this anymore and I want to be reliable at work AND for my family.

Full of hate

 I want to die.  

I hate my so-called fucking friends. I wish they would all leave me alone. How hard is it to ghost someone these days?? Now I’m in a goddam group chat so that I can see all the things they do without me. That’s cool. Let’s bring it back to 2009. Thanks. Like please, fuck off. I turned off the notifications because I didn’t want that in the first place. I can’t relate to any of them and think they are all fucking rude. 

I don’t think they will ever grow up. I don’t think they will ever evolve. Their lives are not what I want to be doing. That are not who I want to be, and their priorities are sad to me. We are not kindred spirits. They are not my tribe. But I feel I don’t have one. I only have my husband. Literally. And like one friend. Even E lets me down these days and is so focused on himself I could vomit. And thinks he has it together. I think the sad part is they all think they have it together. I do not play that game.

Purge again. Xanax again. No workout in the morning again. I feel stuck in a fucking time loop. It’s god dam Groundhog Day but somehow it’s a ten year cycle. 

I need therapy. I signed up and am waiting. I can’t do this alone anymore. I tested the hubby to see if he can handle it, and he can’t. He listened. He let me vent. But he cares about me too much. And he can never understand. He loves me too much to objectively support me. 

I miss graduate school. I even miss restaurants. I miss having kindred spirits around. I miss having a tribe with some loyalty. I wish I had it now. I kind of do, but also kind of don’t. I need a goddam vacation. I need a girls day. I need a new best friend. 

I miss sleep, but it hates me.

 I have survived a week without binging. Tonight I purged, but it wasn't over a binge - just over a basic dinner. IDK why I felt so compelled to do so, but I did... This weekend was a miracle - I always binge on the weekends and didn't do that at all this weekend. 

I am the most exhausted I have been in along time the past two weeks. The hubby's arm has been messed up, and everyone in my house is back to the school-year routine, and it's not going particularly well, AND I have both jobs to work. I have also had some really severe tailbone pain the past week and feel sore all over. I have wanted to escape to my room and isolate every moment, but that has been allowed since hubby has been feeling the same way. We have sex at some point early in the evening, we do the night-time routine with the kids, and then he stays in the living room, and I go to my room. 

I have been manic and drinking too much caffeine, it's been affecting my sleep. Plus the littlest one has been waking up in the middle of the night MOST nights lately, so I have been sleeping just simply not enough hours, which I hope to GOD stops happening. I need fucking SLEEP to function as a person, probably more than most. The caffeine has been to compensate, but it's not sustainable. 

The sheer amount of stress that I have had latelyt is ALSO not helping my sleep. BUT, no weed... I'm impressed by that, actually. And now that it's been a week of not smoking, I don't really feel the urge. It dissipates quickly when I don't give in... I have been angry though. This weekend I just wished all of them would disappear. Hubby and I planned a kid-free day this Saturday, so I told myself today I just have to get through this work-week and I will be free. I have no major responsibility or projects in addition to usual work this week, so that is a relief also and a nice change from the hectic shit that's been going on lately. I know I need to pick up more clients soon, but the month is almost over, and I feel like I can wait a bit on it. Maybe one night this week if I feel up to it, but lately I feel so exhausted the prospect is draining. It's been hard enough just to keep up with the bare minimum of them, and I'm sure I have lost some from not engaging enough. My reaction to this is to work to keep what I have going on and then build more soon. I feel like I have a good core group right now, which is nice, but I also need more income and need to be able to devote a little more time to it. Lately with the husband's injury and just his mental health in general, I have not had that option. Thursday for example I worked job 1, 8am-4pm, went to the grocery store, came home and cleaned the whole house and cooked dinner, took care of kid bedtime, and then got on and managed client concerns. I didn't stop until 10:30pm, and by that time I just wanted to go to bed. That's not a fulfilling life, even though I can survive it. 

I feel like I am in a good place with my weight at this moment. Not with the actual number, but with the direction that it's headed. I know my habits are unhealthy at this moment and reminiscent of the past (like circa 2011...). But I can't seem to care. The world is falling apart, and everyone is depressed, and if I throw up my dinner when my husband and kids aren't home, it's not going to hurt anyone. It is only going to make me feel a little more in control, as sick as that sounds. 

I have to focus on everyone SO much in life, it's like my ED is the only thing for me. Fucked, right?

Changes in order:

1. stop smoking weed - check. 
2. stop binging and purging - meh...mostly there.
3. get into a workout routine - starting TUESDAY, includes:
1. Going to bed on time.
2. No caffeine past 2pm.
3. Getting fucking sleep. 

Goodnight, world. 

I'm tired

 I have been successful with some of my objectives this week.

I have not been smoking, and I think that has made a huge difference. I told myself I needed a few months break and I can't smoke until Thanksgiving. I have been really tempted to smoke lately when I know there's no chance of it making me actually follow through with eating, but I haven't let myself. And I've only had benzos a couple times for which I am not ashamed, to be honest. I have been toying with the idea of refilling it honestly and probably will. I have been craving alcohol like nobody's business... I don't really know why. Twice this week I cooked with wine, and I had a sip today while cooking. I wish I could have polished off the whole thing. I wish my husband even could go out of town so that I could play, ffs... 

I did not binge this week. I actually fasted for a day, which hasn't happened since God only knows when... I was shocked that I was able to accomplish it, and honestly really proud. And my eating has been very low most days this week. Monday I fasted, Tues-Thurs I stuck to around 500 cals per day, Friday I had about 1,300 cals all day, and today was about 700 cals. 

I weighed in Thurs, and it was a nice number to see, though horrifying that I am at this point right now... I got up to the highest weight I have ever been and am trying not to freak out and just lose it. I've lost like 8-9lbs right now, but this weight is STILL higher that my previous highest weight by like 5 pounds. I need to lose like 25lbs more to be back on track.

I've been depressed, but like when am I not?? 

I don't know what I'm doing

"I can't stop having an eating disorder, so I might as well let myself have one that helps me lose weight."

I have been completely unsuccessful in not binging. My weight is all over the place - I have stopped checking. I need to get myself together. I need to lose weight. I need to start keeping up with my appearance. I need to make time and stop letting myself get so depressed. I need to stop bringing work home with me. I need to stop throwing up meals. 

I need to focus on my list and let the other stressors of life fade away. I need to do the things that make me feel better - no matter what. 

New plans for life:

• Wear makeup on weekdays.
• Keep toes and nails done.
• Keep house clean.
• Get a haircut/dye job as soon as I get my money.
• Stick to my diet of under 1,000 cals per day.
• General Guidelines:
• B - Protein Shake and supplements - 160cals
• L - Crackers & cheese or cheese & melon - 250
• S1 - Healthy Cookie - 100
• D - Meat and veg - 250
• S2 - popcorn, frozen treat - 250
• Work out 3x per week min
• Bed time - 10pm. 
• Wake up - 5:30am.
• Smoke less, binge less, have more sex, don't take benzos, no fast food cheats, save your money, read more, do more art.
• Stop being a stupid fatass. 

I need to buckle down on my self-care. I need to stop coping in old, bad ways. I need to get more in touch with people and things that make me feel good. 

I'm grateful for the things in life that are pushing me harder to do better. I'm grateful for people pushing me to be better and not just think I'm better than them. But I do wish my friends would grow up a bit more. 

I hope this resolve I feel lasts.

Comfortably numb

Today was one of the fog clearing days. The day when I wake up and can't even remember how badly I felt several days before. Still not back to 100%, but not in the level of funk I was prior.

Work is ok right now. Family is ok. And the past 2 days I have eaten like a normal person and not a cow.

That's really all I want in life.

I want to have a better relationship with food. I'm tired of binging and purging and starving and dieting and crying and loathing food. I'm tired of even thinking about it. I think about food SO MUCH in my life, and I'm so fucking sick of it I could die.

I wish human beings didn't have to eat. I wish I never had to eat again. I wish hunger and digestion and all those processes were not present in the human experience. I wish I could pop a pill and get all my nutrition and calories and feel full with no concerns. I would never eat again if that was truly an option.

I think sometimes in my lowest moments I try to convince myself it is, but I know it's not.

My boss today acknowledged that my call-out on Monday was probably my mental health. I acknowledged back. We have a dance. We sing a song. She lets me hide in the shadows just a bit, but not too much. I feel like we support each other in some strange way, but I also know it doesn't run that deep. It just can't. And I don't think I really want it to if I'm honest with myself.

Ok brain stoppage = bedtime.

Good job today, world.

Reasons

I feel tense. On edge. Tired. Restless. 

I want to die all the time. The thought circles through my mind about 100 times an hour. "I want to die." Sometimes the thought is loud - deafening; other times it's soft and gentle and just a small passing whisper. But it's always there.

Persistent depressive disorder; with anxious distress. Bulimia nervosa. Binge eating disorder. Social phobia. Excoration. PTSD. Cyclothymic disorder. 

Like, what don't I have? The DSM is a description of my life. My functioning is poor. My mood is poor.

Normally I will have a reason to be depressed. Lately the entire world has a million reasons to be depressed. But I don't have any significant ones. Is the weight of COVID and the current political temperature of the country what's eating me? Am I unhappy in my job/marriage/family roles?

Maybe.. Maybe it's the stress of all of this. Or maybe I have just never functioned well. Maybe depression is a major issue that I have always had and the reasons are secondary. I'm sure they exacerbate it, but I'm not sure they even cause episodes of it.

It's easy to manage in restaurants - you call out, or see if you can get cut, someone else takes your shift, no one relies on you really, so not one notices or cares if you flake on your job here and there. It's never days upon days in bed - it's just a night here and there where you're sick/tired/busy and don't want to work. You can be unreliable, and no one asks why, because you are guaranteed more reliable than someone else that works there. And if you're not, you go one to a different place with the same issues and the same systems, and you find a place where whatever level you function at is what is expected. You make friends with your manager, and they cover for you. You tell yourself it's just because you hate working in restaurants so much - that's the root of this mood issue. Once you have a "real job" this won't be a problem anymore. That's the "reason."

But then comes graduate school. And you're still flaking. You're missing mandatory classes and emailing professors. Only the "reason" now is the fiance, the homelessness, the drama. Those were valid reasons, but were they really the only concern?

And then into professional gig number one. The "reason" then was pregnancy. The worst pregnancy everyone ever heard of. You poor thing, you're under so much stress - no wonder you can barely function. So, you make friends again with the manager. The same old tricks keep working. And then when the manager is gone and the pregnancy is over, your reason is the population. 

So it's on to professional gig number 2. The reason now? There's adjustment, a high productivity requirement, the world is fucking falling apart. 

But are these issues the things that cause my depression, or and I just fucking depressed and destined to be that way NO MATTER WHAT? How do I truly get this depression under control? I'm tired of it. And lately the more I acknowledge it, the more I feel like it's growing. 

Every breath I take discussing the issue out loud to people makes me feel good in some respects and worse in others. I can't fake it anymore, but I don't know how to treat it. I don't know what works to help it. I just know how to do a lot of things to make it worse. 

I wish I could follow my own advice.

Current efforts:

Stop smoking pot - it makes you feel depressed once you come down; it makes you EAT and get FAT, and even though when you're sober and tell yourself that you can smoke and not eat, you do NOT possess that ability as soon as smoke wisps stab your feeble little brain. You currently do not posses any self-control to limit eating when smoking or limit intensity of smoking once you start, so a period of abstinence is in order. This can be re-visited at a later date. Like in August.

Stop binging - like for real. You need to get this under control more than anything. It's the main thing that contributes to bad physical and mental health for you. You're fat af right now, and you need to just stop that. It doesn't have to get all crazy with restricting or dieting - just stop binging. 

Stop missing work - you cannot afford to get a new job. You already have the manager in your pocket. You're currently valuable but not invaluable. Don't fucking blow this, you idiot. Go to fucking work and do what you need to do and allow yourself to be a miserable fuck on the weekends or late at night. 

Work out more - you don't need more sleep. You need exercise. You enjoy it - you enjoy it while you're working out, you feel good the rest of the day, and if you stop fucking eating so much, it will help your disgusting body to look less disgusting. Just get up early and push yourself a little and stop talking yourself out of it. 

Think thin. It WILL make you feel better. And not much else is these days. 

Nothingness

I had a good stretch. 

I went almost a week with no binges or purges... Tonight I did both. It was an easy one with no concerns or potential spectators. 

I have been extremely emotional lately... On the verge of tears often. I don't know if it's the status of the world, debilitating self-hatred, significant depression, or continued SSRI withdrawals that's causing it. I have been trying to find ways to take care of myself, but I can't seem to find the time for it. I need a day of solitude and sadness, but there is no option for that without consequence. I have a family and job and husband and don't have the option to handle my moods like I once could with a complete breakdown that resulted in a nice bounce-back. These days, even when I have a breakdown, there is still someone who needs something from me, and I must produce. Too many people depend on me. 

 

I am not desperate enough yet to push the concern, but I fantasize about doing so relatively soon. My dream of spending the day in a hotel room sleeping whilst I pretend to go to work has not left me. I would trade anything I have for 24 hours of time to myself and a bottle of wine. I have a grandiose plan in the back recesses of my mind to send myself to a "convention for work" that entails me taking time off and escaping my family for a couple days, but COVID is ruining that for me. 

I'm tired of being depressed. Even if I took the time, it wouldn't fix it for long. And I would be back to this level of frustration maybe even just a few days later. And then what? 

I hate when it's like this over nothing... When I'm depressed with no real reason to be depressed. My job is ok. My relationship is ok. My friendships and finances and other things are all ok. The only major concern is my body, but I don't think I'll ever be ok with that... That concern I have become numb to. It doesn't sting like it used to. 

But there is perpetual depression that I always feel regardless of circumstance. I don't know why I was cursed with such a plight in life, but I wish I wasn't. I am always depressed. Even when things are ok, I am depressed. Even when I am happy, I think, "I could die, and I would be ok with that." Even medication does not alleviate this. 

I have never been afraid of death. I welcome it. I know many people suffer from a fear of death, but I don't think you should fear things that are inevitable - you will only torture yourself. I like to think I will die and there will be something better than this, but even if there is not, I would be ok with that. Even if it were nothingness, I would be content.

Some days I beg the universe for nothingness.

I always thought I would die tragically and before my time. Lately I do not want that, because I know the suffering it would cause for my children and husband. I have more people that would struggle to recover (or may never be able to do so) than I ever anticipated I would have. 

I remember when I was about 12 years old driving by the scene of a terrible car accident. A body was laying on the pavement covered in a white sheet with blood seeping through the fabric over the person's face. I heard later around town that it was a woman in her 30's who lost control of her car. A true accident, but looking back as an adult, I wonder if it was purposeful. As a child, the only thing I truly questioned in that moment is why body sheets are white when it so clearly shows blood, and why they don't use black sheets? The women's child was in the vehicle and survived, but she did not. Her husband was left alone with the baby and no wife in an instant. Years later I would sit in a classroom at community college listening to a guest speaker who was a highway patrol officer say that to see a car accident makes you believe in fate and that we all have a time to die. He said that it takes two people leaving their respective places and getting into their vehicles in such a precisely timed manner that even a second's difference in time determines someone's life or death. I thought of the bloody sheet and felt a nagging in the pit of my stomach. 

I remember in both of those moments thinking ahead to my own life and if I were to die that way. I always imagined it would be something like that - sudden and abrupt and tragic. People would be shocked and dismayed that someone like me could die like that - I seemed so pleasant, and everyone knows pleasant people are supposed to live long lives and die of old age. But, now... I don't think that is my fate. I think I carry too much weight to die in that way. I believe God and the universe and all the forces of the cosmos truly do not give us more than we can handle. And though I think my husband is strong in many ways, I know he is not strong enough for that. I know I will not meet such an end because that would be more than he could handle, and we are tied in the universe in a way that will keep me here with or without my consent.

So, now I have no vision. No image of how I will die or when. But I have a sneaking suspicion that my life will be a long one. And that thought makes me feel the tiniest bit exhausted. 

B&P as usual

5 days of sticking to calories and no issues. Until tonight...

Tonight I'm allowing myself a purge. I didn't do what I consider a big binge, but it was still too much. I need to purge. Timer is running on it.

Work has been tough lately. I feel tired. I feel emotional. I fight back tears a lot and don't make effort where and when I know I should sometimes. It feels like the hours drag by slowly, and I feel guilty for wanting to escape. I guess no matter what kind of work you do or how much you love your job, work is still work.

I've been having a lot of financial issues lately also. I struggle to know what is ok and not ok to spend on. I want to shop my issues away. I want to smoke them away.

I want to smoke every moment, but I can't afford it, I know it makes me eat and depressed in large amounts, and I know I should have clean pee for work. But some days I just want to say FUCK that.

Purge complete. Throat is sore. But it was effortless for the most part. It feels like success.

E is coming to visit soon. I'm thrilled. My best friend is coming to visit. I wish we could drink together. I miss drinking. I wish I had a day alone to drink. I wish I had a day alone for anything. I have not had a quiet day alone in a million years. I would do anything for just a little freedom. I wanted the husband around more, but this shit lately is ridiculous.

Better me

SSRI withdrawals are basically over. Finally. I'm still having moments where I get dizzy or brain zaps, but it's only a couple times a day instead of a couple hundred. I'm at two weeks of side-effects... I don't ever want to go through this again, tbh. It makes me question SSRI use in the future... I didn't have issues with Prozac and would probably take that postpartum if needed, but this shit was a nightmare. I came off all my meds at once this time - SSRI and benzos for anxiety. I also stopped smoking weed like 2-3 days ago, and that was rough... I think it was helping me not to fucking lose in the last two weeks, but I can't risk my career/life over pot... I need to keep my pee clean, and right now I'm not in that category.

I have begun a new weight loss regimen. I was able to go a couple weeks with minimal binging, had a day I basically didn't eat due to stomach concerns (probably also from SSRI withdrawal), and then decided I needed to really hone down on my weight loss.

I have developed the following efforts:

• Stop binging.
• Only weigh in weekly on Mondays.
• Track calories.
• Keep calories under 1,000 per day (I've been averaging 850 daily).
• Eat a minimum of 4x per day timed out 3 hours apart.

Lately it's been an apple and green tea for breakfast, veg and lean meat for lunch, veg and lean meat for dinner, and snacks of fruit, high fiber or protein stuff. I only eat like one carb per day and like no sugar.

I'm hungry as I type this... I drank some water.

I COULD allow myself another 100 cals right now, but I get scared at night to allow myself to eat. I un-do myself at night the most often. That's when the binge monster comes out... I have kept the binge foods out of the house right now aside from a box of honey buns. Those I placed in the pantry so high up I would need a step ladder to get them so that if I have the urge, I have to put in effort that allows me to think about how fat of a cow I am that I would pull it out to climb up and get them. I have zero ability to resist them. I could literally fantasize about them, and I wish I had not bought them, but my kids love them... I think also it's a bit of a test for me to see if I can handle it. I should not be testing myself, but I also kind of want to.

The only thing I have been less successful with is exercise right now... I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning and accomplish that or really push myself to do it. I think I have been a little sick, but I know it's something I need to get in there sooner rather than later.

I don't want to look like Gin. She is doing Keto and looks strangely deflated because of her weightloss being just from food and not working out. I think it's a terrible look, and I don't want to follow suit. A lot of people I know who are doing Keto look deflated.

I decided that after I lose 10lbs I am going to allow myself a cheat meal on a Monday evening. Then I at least can put that thought in my head when I feel like I REALLY want to eat a meal. Eating only about 200-300 calories in a sitting does not feel satisfying, but feeling unsatisfied is going to happen regardless - either physically or emotionally, and I prefer the physical at this time. I'm so TIRED of being fat I could kill myself.

I had a moment this weekend where I realized I don't want to be that girl that when people see old photos can't believe how good she looked and get a wave of pity that washes over them for her. I want to STAY hot, not just have been that way in the past. Like my mom. She was one of those hot women who let having kids ruin her beauty. Then the outer beauty fading became the inner beauty fading, and I don't think she ever got it back. She hates her life and body and is miserable, and I do not want to feel that way. I've felt that way for like 2 years now, but I am not going to stay like this.

I feel like I'm adjusting to work recently. It's been hard, and there have been a lot of adjustments. I have called out a lot, and I KNOW the only reason it's ok is because my boss protects me. She and I have a strange friendship where I feel like she kind of idolizes me... It feels like high school. And I have used it to my advantage and do not intend to let it slip away. But I need a stretch of not calling out for a few months before someone else notices who outranks her and I get fired.

I need my mental and physical health to improve and to stop fucking whining about it in the interim.

I got a laptop to journal

I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like there is an insane amount of pressure on me to be ok right now, but I'm not ok. Not even a little. Not at all. I'm all over the place. I'm not adjusting to the new world that I live in quickly enough. I talk about myself too much. I do too much and in the wrong direction.

I've said those word before here.

I want to function better, and I of all people should know how to achieve that.

I stopped my meds. The Vybriid was not helping and it was making me fat. Legit fat. I felt hungry every second of the day and gained about ten pounds in a month. I tapered for a week and stopped, and now I feel like garbage. I've been having SSRI withdrawals like a motherfucker for like 5 days now. I can feel improvement with it, but holy shit it was bad a couple days ago.

I haven't binged in about a week, and that is insanely good progress for me at this point. I have been trying just to accomplish that and nothing more. Just don't binge. It is easy at this moment, and I hope it will stay that way.

I felt like shit today. I ate breakfast, but then not lunch and threw up dinner. Partly because I felt ill and partly just because I had a rough day and let myself. I have been good with not purging lately, but I gave myself permission today. I wonder when in my life I'll stop throwing up my food when I'm stressed out.

Will I ever?

I remember being a kid and watching a made for TV movie about a bulimic rich housewife. I vividly recall a scene where she gets a blueberry pie out of her fridge and there, with the fridge door open, binges on the pie. She makes her hand into a scoop and proceeds to shove it in as fast as she can. That was one of the first moments in my life that I had awareness of what bulimia was. I don't recall my emotional reaction to it, but I remember thinking it was sad that someone that age would not have a better way to manage. To still be going back to Mia for comfort as a grown-ass woman and not a 20-something or teen seems desperate. It seems lame and sad and pathetic.

I feel like I am on the cusp of being here in life. I can relate. I know the appeal of eating in front of the fridge hidden from others and then purging it all up in secrecy too. It's a completely isolated moment in a world that feels like everyone is looking at you or to your for something. It's like being on your own planet. It's not meant to be shared or understood.

The dysfunctional way to manage feelings of desperation are to give in to them. Mia feeds desperation with the regurgitate food of her victims.

I like being alone. I long for it sometimes. But the moments I have where I am are so few these days. The whole world is isolated from one another right now, but my world has become more populated. And everyone is acting badly. I had a moment where I longed so deeply for a day to myself. A day where I didn't have to talk to a single person. Just one day is all I really want, but I would be completely happy if it were more than that. But my world stops working if I don't talk.

I always have to talk. And often I do it too much. I fill empty silences. I ramble. I catch myself talking about myself too much, but I can't stop doing it. I am not even discussing a real thing sometimes but I can't seem to shut my goddamn mouth in those moments. I hate it.

I hate myself. Always historically. but it's especially true right now.

I need to do better.

I’m crazy

I have been a fucking mess lately. Certifiable.

I binged and purged 3 times in two days a couple days ago. And they were purges where I felt high afterward. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s just amazing, as terrible as that sounds. You feel powerful and clean and euphoric. But, I know I can’t keep going and that I’m lucky that they were nice ones. Because purging is either glorious or terrible, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I hit a really bad one, and I’d like to avoid that. I have chewed off all my nails. I have cleaned everything and been neurotic and overly organized at work.

And then I crashed today. I didn’t even feel this one coming.

I called out of work this morning. I can’t do it. I don’t even feel badly about it. I woke up from a dream that I was skipping class in grad school and trying to determine what my grade for the course would be and decided I could take the hit. Then I called out. Normally I would feel guilty about everyone who relies on me and worried about losing my job. But I legit don’t care.

After calling, I proceeded to try to enjoy myself. Sometimes when I call out, I mope around all day and find reasons to be down so that I can justify not going. Today I’m not doing that. I’m just letting myself exist in whatever state I’m in. I don’t need to find reasons to be more of a mess than I am.

I don’t know why I’m so apathetic today, and just kind of don’t give a fuck, but that’s where I am. Maybe I have just been so tense and stressed for so long lately that my brain finally switched off.

I don’t know why I feel like this lately  I have a psych appointment scheduled, and I hope I can find something that helps. I can’t go on like this. I don’t even have a reason to be upset with life except that I wish I had more family and adult time, but I’ve been doing better with those things lately, honestly.

I don’t know why I feel like this. Normally I can identify why I’m a fucking train wreck, but the only thing lately that is bothering me is my weight.

I’m fucking fat lately. Like so fat that I keep outgrowing my clothes. I developed a 1,000 cal a day diet to stick to for a few months, and I’m going to just allow whatever ED stuff that happens to happen. I can’t fight it anymore lately. If I’m not being restrictive or purging, then I’m just binging and getting fat. I feel like I’ll never overcome this.

I feel like my ED will be around my entire fucking life. Like I’ll always be underlying depressed and anxious. Like I’ll never be fixed, and my mental health will always struggle. I had a thought the other day that my panic attacks have been almost nonexistent lately, but then behaviorally I am doing shitty.

And the annoying part is that I am legit happy with my life right now. There are some areas I would like some improvement, of course, but I feel like I’m managing well. I have friends and good family relationships and my bills are paid and I love my husband and kids and my job is great. I have had a few small stressors, but nothing that should even be making me feel so crazy.

And yet I feel like a fucking crazy person the past couple weeks.

So if I’m going to be crazy, I may as well put it to good use and get thinner.

Lately feels

I feel like a different person lately. And I'm not sure if it's good or bad. The prozac has been amazing aside from one single side-effect... I am having more difficulty orgasming. I've even faked it twice this week, which I think I've only done with the hubby like twice overall in the past. It just wasn't going to happen, and I know if he knows I'm struggling in that department, he will tell me to stop taking it.

Which I'm not about to do. It makes me feel amazing.

The doc said if I keep having issues, we can try Wellbutrin in a couple months. She upped my dose, but I'm not sure I want that. I have to find balance between the benefits and side-effects. Not easy.

Plus, part of me thinks in the back of my mind that we're going to start trying to have a baby after not too much longer, and I don't want to be on any meds for that. So, I need to determine what I want to do.

Right now, I want to take it. Low dose. And I want to get off the benzos. And I want to stop taking the Prozac once we are a few months away from baby.

The benzos is hard. I have woken up like 2am every night I haven't taken them. I think the Prozac is making me a little "up" and then I am struggling to get back down at the end of the day. It's like I run a marathon all day. I don't know if the energy is excessive or just what I should have when I'm not so fucking depressed. I don't know what normal is, but I feel good lately.

Even my sex drive is up, but I can't get off once we get going. Well, I can, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT. I've always been a difficult one in that category to begin with, but lately it's like wtf no.

Anyway...

Weight is still dropping. I gained a little on vacation from sitting in the car for 4 days and eating crap, but now that I'm home, I think that's gone also. I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I want to lose weight before we start getting baby-ready. I need to start exercising again, which I feel like I could actually do lately...

IDK, it's nice to feel good. I haven't felt good in so long.

The only thing that kind of sucks still is my lack of a social life.

And I legit miss drinking, dude. Like a lot. I went to bed early on New Year's because I was so tired from our vacation. I was awakened at 12:04pm by my neighbors having a party and shooting off fireworks. The baby and hubby slept straight through them. I laid there listening to people being young and wild and free and drunk. And I was insanely jealous.

I miss parties. I miss drinking. I miss rambling and laughing and flirting and feeling pretty and young. I miss my youth. I guess all people do at some point. But I think I gave up a lot of it when I chose to be with my husband. There was only one option for how our lifestyle had to look, and it made me grow up instantly. Then we threw a baby in the mix. I feel old. I feel bored a lot.

I recognize there is merit and value to our lifestyle. And I don't miss all the parts of how we used to live. But some nights, I wish I could be someone else just for an evening.