I don't know what I'm doing

"I can't stop having an eating disorder, so I might as well let myself have one that helps me lose weight."

I have been completely unsuccessful in not binging. My weight is all over the place - I have stopped checking. I need to get myself together. I need to lose weight. I need to start keeping up with my appearance. I need to make time and stop letting myself get so depressed. I need to stop bringing work home with me. I need to stop throwing up meals. 

I need to focus on my list and let the other stressors of life fade away. I need to do the things that make me feel better - no matter what. 

New plans for life:

• Wear makeup on weekdays.
• Keep toes and nails done.
• Keep house clean.
• Get a haircut/dye job as soon as I get my money.
• Stick to my diet of under 1,000 cals per day.
• General Guidelines:
• B - Protein Shake and supplements - 160cals
• L - Crackers & cheese or cheese & melon - 250
• S1 - Healthy Cookie - 100
• D - Meat and veg - 250
• S2 - popcorn, frozen treat - 250
• Work out 3x per week min
• Bed time - 10pm. 
• Wake up - 5:30am.
• Smoke less, binge less, have more sex, don't take benzos, no fast food cheats, save your money, read more, do more art.
• Stop being a stupid fatass. 

I need to buckle down on my self-care. I need to stop coping in old, bad ways. I need to get more in touch with people and things that make me feel good. 

I'm grateful for the things in life that are pushing me harder to do better. I'm grateful for people pushing me to be better and not just think I'm better than them. But I do wish my friends would grow up a bit more. 

I hope this resolve I feel lasts.