Full of hate

 I want to die.  

I hate my so-called fucking friends. I wish they would all leave me alone. How hard is it to ghost someone these days?? Now I’m in a goddam group chat so that I can see all the things they do without me. That’s cool. Let’s bring it back to 2009. Thanks. Like please, fuck off. I turned off the notifications because I didn’t want that in the first place. I can’t relate to any of them and think they are all fucking rude. 

I don’t think they will ever grow up. I don’t think they will ever evolve. Their lives are not what I want to be doing. That are not who I want to be, and their priorities are sad to me. We are not kindred spirits. They are not my tribe. But I feel I don’t have one. I only have my husband. Literally. And like one friend. Even E lets me down these days and is so focused on himself I could vomit. And thinks he has it together. I think the sad part is they all think they have it together. I do not play that game.

Purge again. Xanax again. No workout in the morning again. I feel stuck in a fucking time loop. It’s god dam Groundhog Day but somehow it’s a ten year cycle. 

I need therapy. I signed up and am waiting. I can’t do this alone anymore. I tested the hubby to see if he can handle it, and he can’t. He listened. He let me vent. But he cares about me too much. And he can never understand. He loves me too much to objectively support me. 

I miss graduate school. I even miss restaurants. I miss having kindred spirits around. I miss having a tribe with some loyalty. I wish I had it now. I kind of do, but also kind of don’t. I need a goddam vacation. I need a girls day. I need a new best friend.