I miss sleep, but it hates me.

 I have survived a week without binging. Tonight I purged, but it wasn't over a binge - just over a basic dinner. IDK why I felt so compelled to do so, but I did... This weekend was a miracle - I always binge on the weekends and didn't do that at all this weekend. 

I am the most exhausted I have been in along time the past two weeks. The hubby's arm has been messed up, and everyone in my house is back to the school-year routine, and it's not going particularly well, AND I have both jobs to work. I have also had some really severe tailbone pain the past week and feel sore all over. I have wanted to escape to my room and isolate every moment, but that has been allowed since hubby has been feeling the same way. We have sex at some point early in the evening, we do the night-time routine with the kids, and then he stays in the living room, and I go to my room. 

I have been manic and drinking too much caffeine, it's been affecting my sleep. Plus the littlest one has been waking up in the middle of the night MOST nights lately, so I have been sleeping just simply not enough hours, which I hope to GOD stops happening. I need fucking SLEEP to function as a person, probably more than most. The caffeine has been to compensate, but it's not sustainable. 

The sheer amount of stress that I have had latelyt is ALSO not helping my sleep. BUT, no weed... I'm impressed by that, actually. And now that it's been a week of not smoking, I don't really feel the urge. It dissipates quickly when I don't give in... I have been angry though. This weekend I just wished all of them would disappear. Hubby and I planned a kid-free day this Saturday, so I told myself today I just have to get through this work-week and I will be free. I have no major responsibility or projects in addition to usual work this week, so that is a relief also and a nice change from the hectic shit that's been going on lately. I know I need to pick up more clients soon, but the month is almost over, and I feel like I can wait a bit on it. Maybe one night this week if I feel up to it, but lately I feel so exhausted the prospect is draining. It's been hard enough just to keep up with the bare minimum of them, and I'm sure I have lost some from not engaging enough. My reaction to this is to work to keep what I have going on and then build more soon. I feel like I have a good core group right now, which is nice, but I also need more income and need to be able to devote a little more time to it. Lately with the husband's injury and just his mental health in general, I have not had that option. Thursday for example I worked job 1, 8am-4pm, went to the grocery store, came home and cleaned the whole house and cooked dinner, took care of kid bedtime, and then got on and managed client concerns. I didn't stop until 10:30pm, and by that time I just wanted to go to bed. That's not a fulfilling life, even though I can survive it. 

I feel like I am in a good place with my weight at this moment. Not with the actual number, but with the direction that it's headed. I know my habits are unhealthy at this moment and reminiscent of the past (like circa 2011...). But I can't seem to care. The world is falling apart, and everyone is depressed, and if I throw up my dinner when my husband and kids aren't home, it's not going to hurt anyone. It is only going to make me feel a little more in control, as sick as that sounds. 

I have to focus on everyone SO much in life, it's like my ED is the only thing for me. Fucked, right?

Changes in order:

1. stop smoking weed - check. 
2. stop binging and purging - meh...mostly there.
3. get into a workout routine - starting TUESDAY, includes:
1. Going to bed on time.
2. No caffeine past 2pm.
3. Getting fucking sleep. 

Goodnight, world.