Friday, April 29, 2016

Everything is annoying me

I don't like feeling like we're struggling, and lately we are. 

I go through his phone. Nothing bad, except the porn. Always the same scenario - perfect blonde girls riding cock. Like, wow. Is that supposed to be his ideal version of me?? Because I can't get him to even be that aggressive with me. It's so ANNOYING. I know all the logic, but it irritates the fuck out of me anyway...

We argue because he's always wrapped up in his phone. I spy, and it's because he's on his stupid fucking games. Tonight I asked for attention over and over and over to no avail, and then I blew up. I'm over him half listening, pretending to listen, pretending to focus. I'm over competing with the world to get a piece of what's supposed to be mine. 

I locked him out of the bedroom and made him sleep on the couch. It's not like he couldn't break in... I do it all the time when he locks me out. I am a better break in artist, but still. He just let me alone, which at that point I think I sincerely wanted. We texted for an hour (yeah, in the same house. It's how we handle things) and then I went to sleep. When I re-read the conversation I didn't get hurtful... I was just livid. 

Shit like this makes me want a side guy... So badly. I've been trying to be good and not slutty since we are taking our relationship to the next level, and because I just want to be a good person. But this shit it getting old. I need attention, and I need it now. I've warned him that I need it from him or I'm going to start looking elsewhere, but he doesn't seem to be fucking listening or getting it. Or maybe caring. 

He takes me for granted. And this isn't like some big fucking revelation, but God DAMN I wish he would stop. 

I was supposed to go to a party tonight, but I didn't. We stayed home and cooked dinner and got drunk. I ate well all day. The only binge-y moment I had was a bag of dehydrated apple chips. But no carbs all day except the alcohol, and I stuck to shots. 

Tomorrow we're supposed to go on a date night. This is now seeming like a stressful prospect because of both food and just him

Hating everything right now. Except that I'm on break...

My semester is over. I should have all A's again. One class might be a little close, and it will depend on the professor because of my absences, but regardless... I did well. Even though there were many times I felt like I might not do that well. And even though I started out rough. My professor complimented me yesterday - about how well I did this semester. It felt great.

So there's my silver lining. But I still feel pessimistic as shit right now. 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Bulimia and perfection

It's so strange when I think about it... How my life shifted so drastically when my eating disorder kicked in...

I've thrown up so many meals in so many bathrooms since I graduated in 2008. I dabbled in being bulimic before that - I recall camping for family vacation and purging in the public restroom, a few other times before that, but nothing more than experimentation. Back then I was more into self-harm... Scratching. That's how I coped. I cried and wrote and scratched. Then, when bulimia kicked in really hard, I never looked back. I think I've only scratched about three times in the past 8 years. But I've purged hundreds. 4 different homes I've lived in, the restrooms at almost every job I've ever had, friend's bathrooms when I stayed at their houses, and dozens of restaurants... I've purged more times than anyone could ever keep track of.

It's weird to think how normal it is for me. How it's become a part of my history and to some extent, my personality. How casual it was for me to do it at one point. But somehow, I have never thought of myself as someone who's bulimic. I never used that word to describe myself, because that word doesn't fit me. I'm fairly normal. I'm educated. I have good relationships. I never had any crazy trauma like being abused or raped. I might have low days, but I don't have depression. And my parents did nothing to make me turn out like this. If I was an episode of some TV drama, there would be no tragic backstory that made me this way. 

I don't look like a bulimic. I don't look like what anyone in society would say a bulimic girl looks like. But that's the scariest part about bulimia. Bulimia looks like everyone. It looks like a blonde with a hot fiancĂ© and two great step kids who's getting a masters degree in counseling. It looks like someone who goes to work and pays all her bills and laughs and smiles and has great friends. It looks normal. And happy. On the outside. 

But inside its grotesque. It's a compulsion. It's a nagging little demon that makes you go through drivethrus or to gas stations or restaurants. It takes your money and shoves food down your throat and makes you throw it back up. I used to think it was about being thin, but it's not. It's a way to handle stress. It's a way to cope with self-hatred. It's a way to feel better when you know you'll never BE better. It's backlash from one comment or thought or event... It's a way to get all the negativity out of your brain through your stomach and mouth. 

But it HURTS. It makes you feel ugly and gross and insane and addicted. It rips up your body and spills it out. And the process is painful. Burning and scratching and stinging. 

But it's also pleasurable. When you let it digest just enough, eat the right foods, the right amounts, do the process the right way, it's easy. It all comes spilling back out. All the pain and mistakes and negative feelings rush out of your body, and you can start over. You can breathe. You fixed it. You fixed what was wrong and have a second chance. 

But the second one is sadly never enough. You need a third, fourth, fifth, hundredth. You need a million chances. Because you can never get it right. You always feel like a loser. You always fuck up. And you always have to fix it. 

Because all that matters is the relief. 

I'm determined not to let this cycle continue... I realize sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I just have those moments when the emotional shit is too much, and I need it... But I don't want to do it to be thin. I don't want to use that method to achieve the body I want right now. 

Right now I want to restrict. I want to just stop fucking up. I want to stop making mistakes and needing those chances.

I did well today. Against all odds, and on a day I would have done badly usually, I did just fine. I'm going to bed with an empty stomach and a clear conscience. I know if I just make every day like today that there will be no issues. Mia will stay away. Or at least she'll only appear on occasion. 

I have to do this. I have to stop the madness and quiet my brain and achieve perfect. I want to be perfect. I know they say it's not possible, but I want to try. And I want to get as close to it as possible. 

And perfect girls don't throw up their meals. Their meals are beautiful and light and digest perfectly in their thin bodies. There's no need to throw up when you're perfect. There's no need to hate yourself or be sad. There's no need for emotional relief because everything is just so fucking happy. And I need this. 

I need happy and perfect. And I won't stop until I have both at the same time. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Catching up

Last night resulted in two b&ps. 

I ate a completely Ana approved dinner, drank beer, munched a little too much and purged. I could have let myself digest, it wasn't crazy, but being drunk made me reckless, and I was emotional. I should have stopped eating or just allowed myself to be hormonal and hungry, but I just kept thinking about how awful the scale would treat me the next day. After my purge, I was even more ravenous and emotional. I couldn't stop it then... I binged like nobody's business and purged really hard. My teeth hurt after. There's something about that first b&p after a like time that gets me jump started and I can't stop. It's bad. A compulsion. But it makes me feel better, is the shitty part. Gross but better. And when the purge is worth it on the scale, I feel justified. 

This morning I weigh less. I feel guilty, but... I didn't know what to do. I can't stay this weight. I can't. And if I have to give back in for a while, I'm just going to. 

We had a pot luck for the last day of class today. I panicked a bit, but I managed. I brought drinks and made sure to bring coffee, and had three cups of it. I was subtle. I took a plate, put on a sandwich, brownie, cookie, and fruit. I avoided the crazy beefy cheese dip (Literally no part of that is allowed.) I ate all the fruit, the inside of the sub (cold cut turkey and veggies plain) and one bite of each sweet. Then I folded up my plate when no one was looking and threw it in the garbage so no one would see the discarded carbs. I didn't want to make the girls feel like I didn't want their food, and I didn't want to look like a freak, but damn... I can't have all that. I sat away from the main table (fortunately there were no more seats) and tried to control my face. I felt so fucking uncomfortable.

I can't do it anymore, dude. I can't be fat. I can't keep thinking, "oh this one bite, this one time." It fucks me up. It's never just one. It's another and another and another. Another bite, another bad decision, another pound, another fat roll, another day of hating myself, another year of torment. I need to control. Refrain. Resist. I need to just commit and let myself go back to Ana. Just for a bit. Just until I get back to me. 

I want to go hardcore Ana for just a little while. I don't want to b&p anymore. And if I don't get the eating under control 100%, I know that's what I'll do. So, Ana diet. I'll think of it as that. Just a diet. Just to get myself right again. And then once I'm down to a decent size, I'll determine a healthy and more normal way of eating that's maintainable. But right now I need super strict. I need to get a little below my desired weight and keep my metabolism up so that when I chill out on the Ana stuff I don't balloon. But I have GOT to figure out a maintenance plan. I need to first lose and then maintain. And do it for life this time. 

Tonight's dinner will be tofu "noodles" with sauce and zucchini. And that's all. No craziness tonight. Hot tea time and no temptation. I have to get this right. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Oh, Ana.

I can remember a time when this all felt exciting. Dangerous. Sharp and loud and scary. I can remember a time when I felt victory. Agony. Very high highs and very low lows. I can remember a time when I begged the universe to make me anorexic and then angry the first time someone used that word to describe me. I can remember how sad and miserable I was every evening and how happy every morning. How anxious and how delighted almost every moment of the day. I can remember my endless quest to know every calorie, option, number.

I'm struggling right now. Very hard. And I don't know what direction to take things, because I can't decide.

My head says don't even try to lose weight, but my heart hears ana whispering, "yesss."

EDs are a very tricky and scary and difficult thing. But, I want to succumb. So badly. I want to get obsessed again and be thin and let myself fall into the pattern. I'm disgusted with my weight, my body. How it's progressed. How I've let it get to this point.

I want to lose weight more than anything else in my life right now. It's crazy how thin I was once and how big I've gotten since and how slowly but surely that has happened over the past 5 years. My body just climbed up, up, up to this number. I let it happen. 3 years of torture, 1 year of hatred, and 4 years of ignoring all of it. I haven't allowed myself to really try to lose weight, because I've been scared. I had to put it off, and I know that. I had no balance. So, I had to tip the scales back in the other direction for a while. My ED took over my whole life and changed me forever. But, a huge part of me misses huge parts of it. 

I miss my old bloggers. The old sense of community. The posting multiple times a day and having someone understand what I was thinking and feeling. I pulled away from many of them, and the rest have fallen to the wayside a long time ago. But somehow, I'm still here. Still clearing my history on a different computer in a different state to save a different relationship.

I also miss my old body. I didn't appreciate it like I should have, and I miss it... I miss cupping my hip bones when I fell asleep. I miss my chin looking pointy when I smiled. I miss my collar bones popping out when I wore tank tops. And I miss fitting into things and places. A part of me wants to just stop eating and wait patiently until I see that body again and then just figure things out at that point.

I don't know what direction to take because I feel like I cannot stay this size, but I also cannot go full-force back into it like before... I'm really very lost.

No one ever tells you that "recovery" from an ED means that you can't figure out how to be a healthy weight or a "normal" person in relation to food ever again. No one tells you that "recovery" means simply ignoring Ana and Mia and letting yourself get fat. None of the movies and books show how hard it is to pick meals or make decisions once therapy and rehab is over. Nothing warns you that this obsession can creep up suddenly and without warning. Or that you'll have to just avoid mirrors and scales and just say "fuck it" so that it doesn't get 100% full-blown again overnight. No one tells you how fucked up your head is forever.

EDs never go away. They're like tides at the beach. Sometimes it's low tide, and you can clearly see everything laid out on the beach - all the garbage and creatures, both beautiful things and ugly. And then sometimes, it's high tide, and the water covers up all those things. It seems calm and serene, but all of that stuff is still down there. It's just hidden from view at the moment. However, eventually, it will be seen again. The tide will go in and out forever. Nothing changes.

Lately, it's just a dull feeling. A cloud hanging over me. I don't feel the emotions so strongly and harshly. It's like an ache. I don't feel the need to dive full-force in. I rationalize more. But the allure is so strong. I find myself saying "just a little while, just a little less. I won't get as bad as I was before. I won't be a sudden or drastic. I'll have better and different rules." Then, in the very next thought, I question if that's even possible.

But I want it to be possible.

I want to restrict, but maybe not 500 cals a day. I want to work out, but maybe not solely hours of zero resistance cardio. I want to be careful about what I eat, but maybe not purge if I get too crazy. I want to lose quickly, but maybe not a whole pound a day. I want to be thinner, but maybe not under weight.

But, there are so many maybes... Too many. And I can't decide, but I feel it's time to.

Forever thinking thin.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Not eating

I didn't eat all day yesterday, save a few bites at work, until evening. I probably had a total of about 600 calories... For breakfast today, I had some egg whites and ham with an apple. For lunch I plan on having a cup of blueberries and coffee. And for dinner some chicken and veg from work. Or possibly just shots of whiskey... The scale is much friendlier today than it was a couple weeks ago, but it's still a disaster.

Lots of things feel like a disaster currently.

I need to thin out. I NEEEEED to. I don't honestly care at the moment how I achieve it, either.

When I think about how I want to be thinner, my head swirls. It jumps from thought to thought and images flash behind my eyelids, and everything in my brain starts to short circuit. I have a million racing thoughts about the process and results and feelings and all of it. I can't even organize any of it.

It makes me want to binge and purge all day long for a whole day. It makes me want to drink and do drugs. It makes me want to get so thin that I blow away in a cool breeze.

I feel like I constantly fight my ED, and I'm tired of doing that. I want to give in, because save the guilty bits about terrible coping skills, etc, I feel GOOD when I'm thinner... I want some of that confidence back that I has when I was about 20lbs less.

So, I'm letting ana back in a bit. I'm going on a diet, I guess. I'm just not going to be hungry for a little while. Lolly and I have a girls day planned for May 4, and I'd love to be able to slap on a swimsuit and not hate myself on that day.

Food isn't even appealing lately. Nothing really is. I'm tired. My brain is full of goo. I have one more final to take, and my semester is over, but for some reason the rest of my life is getting messier and more difficult, seemingly daily. My job is a pit of despair lately. Everyone has crazy drama and complaints and issues... I literally told a coworker the other day to stop complaining. Everyone's complaining about everything all the damn time - it's become a miserable place. Then when I get home, the fiance has been the same way lately.

I need some personal time to decompress, but I won't be getting that for a while... I have too much to get done over the next week - too many responsibilities. I think I have a little compassion fatigue. And I need a break. Just a day... But I won't get that til May 4. First I have to ace my final, make rent, take care of man/kid issues, etc.

And get thinner.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Just upset

I'm on the verge of a fucking breakdown, and I don't know if I should just fucking let myself cry and take a nap before work, or if I should continue to fight it off.

I'm so angry.

At him, myself, all of them. Everyone depends on me for far too much. I take care of him like he's an infant, and I don't get my needs me. He's a fucking alcoholic, and he demands too much from me, and I want help and support that I don't get properly.

He makes being good very hard to do.

Maybe it's just me and I shouldn't actually be with anyone. Maybe I just get sick of people after 4 years and can't fucking stand being treated like they're too comfortable. Maybe I need too much effort. Too much attention.

I need a partner. Who does things for me like I do for them. Who takes care of themselves like I do for my own damn self. Who is a fucking grownup.

I want a vacation from EVERYTHING. My stupid job and Adam and Ee and Lolly and all of them. From school. From the kids and all their drama. From my family and all their demands. From worrying about finances. And from my stupid fiance who doesn't know how to DO any fucking thing ever.

I feel myself wanting to do what I did to the ex. Wanting to pull away and see if I get chased. Wanting to ignore and focus on myself and just see... And I think I will.

I'm tired of complaining and giving chances. I'm pissed. And if he can't figure this out, I know other people will want a chance. It's sad and unfathomable how many.

Today, I decided not to eat. I have to be thinner. I need it for myself and for the entire world. I feel gross in my own skin and angry at myself as much as everyone else.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Body & boy issues - aka the usual

I started to binge, but fixed it.

I had a couple bites of pasta, a couple crackers with cheese, and a couple bites of sweets. Nothing too tragic. And I'm done.

I'm emotional. And stressed. Primed for a B&P or just a binge... But I don't want to do it... I still can't help it sometimes. It's become more about slowing the binge, shrinking it, rather than stopping it. I can't stop. I wish I could...

In the past I would have eaten the whole portion of pasta, the rest of the half a box of crackers, the rest of half a carton of icecream, and a handful of mini peanutbutter cups, just to start off. I would have stood in the kitchen shoving it into my mouth as quickly as I could, not even tasting anything, searching for the next item on the agenda to devour. I would have chugged milk straight out of the carton to coat my stomach so I'm not suffering too terribly. I would have smoked a huge bowl to calm my racing thoughts and to make the food go down easier. I would have felt like shit afterward trying desperately to determine if I should purge or just let it digest. I would have hated myself.

Now, the process is different. I say no to some foods (like the pizza in the fridge, the chicken fingers, and the gummy bears). I am more thoughtful about what I want to eat. I take it slow. I have a few bites and then I throw the rest away or put it out of sight. I limit it to a few bites. I leave the kitchen. A few minutes later, I go back and decide on the next item. I repeat the process. I only allow myself to do this for a few things. I sit with the anxiety and think about why I'm experiencing it. I ask myself what's actually bothering me. I don't smoke. I don't drink milk. I commit to not eating so much that I feel like I need to purge it.

The process still consumes about an hour of my life, but it's not as disgusting and irreversible. My "binge" today was about 400 calories. In the past it would have easily been around 1,400.

This morning's number was low and nice. Not as nice as I'd like for upcoming concert and beach season, but still ok... I'm doing ok, I guess.

But, like I said, I'm emotional and stressed.

I've had a long week. Full of boy issues. Last night the fiance and I got into an argument, and I was too sleepy and tipsy to handle it properly. I was also too emotional due to recent developments with Adam.

Adam likes me. I know this now. I fully grasp things that I had wrong assumptions about a couple months ago. I thought he was a game player, but the reality is he is just a very scared person with no security in himself.

I also like him. If I'm completely honest with myself, I do. And that's stressful as fuck. He responds to me in sweet little ways. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time. And I actually think he means it. I think he wanted to touch me really badly the other night. He's been texting me daily. He's allowing himself to be more vulnerable with me and acting like he gives a shit about details of my life for once. He's not smart, but he can be sweet, and lately I'm getting that side. It pulls on my heart strings. He's opened up just a little, and I wanted it. Now I have it, and I don't know what to do with it. My response is just to act like I don't have it, because as much as I like it, I can't want it.

And the fiance. He's not listening as much as I would like him to. He's stubborn and rude and takes me for granted. He's trying, but I'm out of patience about so many things.

My heart and head don't match. And they both are conflicted about these two men. It's all too much. I shouldn't have let myself get so close to Adam this week. I should have held him at arm's length more. I should have ignored him and stayed away. But I didn't want to. I wanted attention. And it's increasingly difficult to get it from the fiance lately. He's never home. And even when he is, he's in his phone, playing his game, making excuses.

He's not treating me like I want and need, and Adam somehow is more.

But I cannot be with Adam. I could sit here and list a hundred reasons why, each more true and convincing than the next. I know it would literally never work with us.

But I can't stop feeling like I care about him just a little too much.

Friday, April 8, 2016


I've been needing to blog for DAYS. It's weird to me that I often tell clients to journal or write, but I have an issue getting that done for myself sometimes.

I had terrible nightmares last night. Awful ones about the kids, my parents, school, my body image, and my fiance. They were all horrible.

I know it's because this week has been stressful: school issues, tough session with the adolescent group where I disclosed a lot of issues within myself, tough eval with a classmate where I did the same, brand new client who has some SEVERE issues, fiance is struggling at work, kid issues, working too damn much, and Adam.

I'm glad he's not too aggressive, but it also annoys me. I want attention. When I push, he pushes back, but never too hard. He distances himself from me. He will chase and hang around until I give him attention, but then when I start to, he retreats a bit. I truly believe the night he told me he didn't want to get emotional about me was a huge dose of truth. It makes me think back to Bird and how he wasn't like that... When I pushed, he gave in as hard as he could. When I was aggressive, he wanted more. He got emotional. I guess if I'm honest, we both did, but I think he definitely did more, especially at certain points. Then when I gave him the option to be emotional with me, he retreated because he had already squelched that part of things too hard. We both know I would have devastated him and changed his whole life, and he didn't want to leave his comfort zone. 

When I give Adam a small window, he tells me I'm beautiful, that he wanted alone time, makes sexual jokes, touches me, gets close... He says something about sixth grade. I say, "I was totally awesome in sixth grade, you know." He replies, "Yeah, I would have liked sixth grade you" with a dreamy far-away and kind of vulnerable look in his eyes. I respond, "You would have been in love with sixth grade me." He goes, "Oh, yeah I would." When I leave work he tells me, "Ok, go get some beauty sleep. Not that you need it." I didn't hear him, and asked him to repeat it. He then yelled it across the parking lot.

He pulls on my heart strings. He's not what I want. At all. He's a huuuuge mess. But the moments when he's not trying to be cool or spit game and when it's just us are so intimate and sweet. I could really like him if life was different. But, it's not. And I've limited myself to only being around him in the perfect scenario at work of no Ee and no Lolly. Because they know the history, and they get annoyed with me when I don't keep it in the past. It's also a wall I've built, because he has built walls. And I can't let myself be vulnerable with someone who won't be with me. With Bird, it was a good give and take. That is not the case with Adam...

Plus, I'm trying to be good. I just miss the fiance. And lately with his school and work issues, he's been a mess, and we can't find a lot of time together. Then when we do, it's not carefree and fun. It's a lot of obligation to handle. We need a date. We needed a date night real fucking badly last week, but he ruined it. Hardcore ruined it... But I can't go back in time, so we're left waiting for something fun to become available. Maybe in May...

And kid issues... A lot of our free time is spent handling those. But I've already processed that, worked through it, and handled my emotions. So, I try not to let myself fall back into that pit of emotion. I just selfishly wish that he would chill the fuck out about them sometimes. Realize they're totally ok. And stop making things a depressing negative mess when it's unnecessary to do so. Because it ruins the little time we do have.

I also need to throw in camp... It was stressful for me this year. Not the usual healing and uplifting experience I am used to. I just saw all the dysfunction. With the kids, with T, with everything. I can't do it again. It's time for me to move on. I just felt like I was missing out on being there for my own kids and wanting to be home.

Anyway, I'm going to nap before work. Then I will go and have a salad. And healthy shit when I get off.... Lately I've been a piggy mess, and I need to get my ass back in shape soon for the weddingggg.

Trauma I've Been Through:
Substance Abuse
Eating Disorders
Domestic Voilence
Being Poor AF
Bad Romantic Relationships
Family Problems