Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Catching up

Last night resulted in two b&ps. 

I ate a completely Ana approved dinner, drank beer, munched a little too much and purged. I could have let myself digest, it wasn't crazy, but being drunk made me reckless, and I was emotional. I should have stopped eating or just allowed myself to be hormonal and hungry, but I just kept thinking about how awful the scale would treat me the next day. After my purge, I was even more ravenous and emotional. I couldn't stop it then... I binged like nobody's business and purged really hard. My teeth hurt after. There's something about that first b&p after a like time that gets me jump started and I can't stop. It's bad. A compulsion. But it makes me feel better, is the shitty part. Gross but better. And when the purge is worth it on the scale, I feel justified. 

This morning I weigh less. I feel guilty, but... I didn't know what to do. I can't stay this weight. I can't. And if I have to give back in for a while, I'm just going to. 

We had a pot luck for the last day of class today. I panicked a bit, but I managed. I brought drinks and made sure to bring coffee, and had three cups of it. I was subtle. I took a plate, put on a sandwich, brownie, cookie, and fruit. I avoided the crazy beefy cheese dip (Literally no part of that is allowed.) I ate all the fruit, the inside of the sub (cold cut turkey and veggies plain) and one bite of each sweet. Then I folded up my plate when no one was looking and threw it in the garbage so no one would see the discarded carbs. I didn't want to make the girls feel like I didn't want their food, and I didn't want to look like a freak, but damn... I can't have all that. I sat away from the main table (fortunately there were no more seats) and tried to control my face. I felt so fucking uncomfortable.

I can't do it anymore, dude. I can't be fat. I can't keep thinking, "oh this one bite, this one time." It fucks me up. It's never just one. It's another and another and another. Another bite, another bad decision, another pound, another fat roll, another day of hating myself, another year of torment. I need to control. Refrain. Resist. I need to just commit and let myself go back to Ana. Just for a bit. Just until I get back to me. 

I want to go hardcore Ana for just a little while. I don't want to b&p anymore. And if I don't get the eating under control 100%, I know that's what I'll do. So, Ana diet. I'll think of it as that. Just a diet. Just to get myself right again. And then once I'm down to a decent size, I'll determine a healthy and more normal way of eating that's maintainable. But right now I need super strict. I need to get a little below my desired weight and keep my metabolism up so that when I chill out on the Ana stuff I don't balloon. But I have GOT to figure out a maintenance plan. I need to first lose and then maintain. And do it for life this time. 

Tonight's dinner will be tofu "noodles" with sauce and zucchini. And that's all. No craziness tonight. Hot tea time and no temptation. I have to get this right. 

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