Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Oh, Ana.

I can remember a time when this all felt exciting. Dangerous. Sharp and loud and scary. I can remember a time when I felt victory. Agony. Very high highs and very low lows. I can remember a time when I begged the universe to make me anorexic and then angry the first time someone used that word to describe me. I can remember how sad and miserable I was every evening and how happy every morning. How anxious and how delighted almost every moment of the day. I can remember my endless quest to know every calorie, option, number.

I'm struggling right now. Very hard. And I don't know what direction to take things, because I can't decide.

My head says don't even try to lose weight, but my heart hears ana whispering, "yesss."

EDs are a very tricky and scary and difficult thing. But, I want to succumb. So badly. I want to get obsessed again and be thin and let myself fall into the pattern. I'm disgusted with my weight, my body. How it's progressed. How I've let it get to this point.

I want to lose weight more than anything else in my life right now. It's crazy how thin I was once and how big I've gotten since and how slowly but surely that has happened over the past 5 years. My body just climbed up, up, up to this number. I let it happen. 3 years of torture, 1 year of hatred, and 4 years of ignoring all of it. I haven't allowed myself to really try to lose weight, because I've been scared. I had to put it off, and I know that. I had no balance. So, I had to tip the scales back in the other direction for a while. My ED took over my whole life and changed me forever. But, a huge part of me misses huge parts of it. 

I miss my old bloggers. The old sense of community. The posting multiple times a day and having someone understand what I was thinking and feeling. I pulled away from many of them, and the rest have fallen to the wayside a long time ago. But somehow, I'm still here. Still clearing my history on a different computer in a different state to save a different relationship.

I also miss my old body. I didn't appreciate it like I should have, and I miss it... I miss cupping my hip bones when I fell asleep. I miss my chin looking pointy when I smiled. I miss my collar bones popping out when I wore tank tops. And I miss fitting into things and places. A part of me wants to just stop eating and wait patiently until I see that body again and then just figure things out at that point.

I don't know what direction to take because I feel like I cannot stay this size, but I also cannot go full-force back into it like before... I'm really very lost.

No one ever tells you that "recovery" from an ED means that you can't figure out how to be a healthy weight or a "normal" person in relation to food ever again. No one tells you that "recovery" means simply ignoring Ana and Mia and letting yourself get fat. None of the movies and books show how hard it is to pick meals or make decisions once therapy and rehab is over. Nothing warns you that this obsession can creep up suddenly and without warning. Or that you'll have to just avoid mirrors and scales and just say "fuck it" so that it doesn't get 100% full-blown again overnight. No one tells you how fucked up your head is forever.

EDs never go away. They're like tides at the beach. Sometimes it's low tide, and you can clearly see everything laid out on the beach - all the garbage and creatures, both beautiful things and ugly. And then sometimes, it's high tide, and the water covers up all those things. It seems calm and serene, but all of that stuff is still down there. It's just hidden from view at the moment. However, eventually, it will be seen again. The tide will go in and out forever. Nothing changes.

Lately, it's just a dull feeling. A cloud hanging over me. I don't feel the emotions so strongly and harshly. It's like an ache. I don't feel the need to dive full-force in. I rationalize more. But the allure is so strong. I find myself saying "just a little while, just a little less. I won't get as bad as I was before. I won't be a sudden or drastic. I'll have better and different rules." Then, in the very next thought, I question if that's even possible.

But I want it to be possible.

I want to restrict, but maybe not 500 cals a day. I want to work out, but maybe not solely hours of zero resistance cardio. I want to be careful about what I eat, but maybe not purge if I get too crazy. I want to lose quickly, but maybe not a whole pound a day. I want to be thinner, but maybe not under weight.

But, there are so many maybes... Too many. And I can't decide, but I feel it's time to.

Forever thinking thin.

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