Monday, April 11, 2016

Body & boy issues - aka the usual

I started to binge, but fixed it.

I had a couple bites of pasta, a couple crackers with cheese, and a couple bites of sweets. Nothing too tragic. And I'm done.

I'm emotional. And stressed. Primed for a B&P or just a binge... But I don't want to do it... I still can't help it sometimes. It's become more about slowing the binge, shrinking it, rather than stopping it. I can't stop. I wish I could...

In the past I would have eaten the whole portion of pasta, the rest of the half a box of crackers, the rest of half a carton of icecream, and a handful of mini peanutbutter cups, just to start off. I would have stood in the kitchen shoving it into my mouth as quickly as I could, not even tasting anything, searching for the next item on the agenda to devour. I would have chugged milk straight out of the carton to coat my stomach so I'm not suffering too terribly. I would have smoked a huge bowl to calm my racing thoughts and to make the food go down easier. I would have felt like shit afterward trying desperately to determine if I should purge or just let it digest. I would have hated myself.

Now, the process is different. I say no to some foods (like the pizza in the fridge, the chicken fingers, and the gummy bears). I am more thoughtful about what I want to eat. I take it slow. I have a few bites and then I throw the rest away or put it out of sight. I limit it to a few bites. I leave the kitchen. A few minutes later, I go back and decide on the next item. I repeat the process. I only allow myself to do this for a few things. I sit with the anxiety and think about why I'm experiencing it. I ask myself what's actually bothering me. I don't smoke. I don't drink milk. I commit to not eating so much that I feel like I need to purge it.

The process still consumes about an hour of my life, but it's not as disgusting and irreversible. My "binge" today was about 400 calories. In the past it would have easily been around 1,400.

This morning's number was low and nice. Not as nice as I'd like for upcoming concert and beach season, but still ok... I'm doing ok, I guess.

But, like I said, I'm emotional and stressed.

I've had a long week. Full of boy issues. Last night the fiance and I got into an argument, and I was too sleepy and tipsy to handle it properly. I was also too emotional due to recent developments with Adam.

Adam likes me. I know this now. I fully grasp things that I had wrong assumptions about a couple months ago. I thought he was a game player, but the reality is he is just a very scared person with no security in himself.

I also like him. If I'm completely honest with myself, I do. And that's stressful as fuck. He responds to me in sweet little ways. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time. And I actually think he means it. I think he wanted to touch me really badly the other night. He's been texting me daily. He's allowing himself to be more vulnerable with me and acting like he gives a shit about details of my life for once. He's not smart, but he can be sweet, and lately I'm getting that side. It pulls on my heart strings. He's opened up just a little, and I wanted it. Now I have it, and I don't know what to do with it. My response is just to act like I don't have it, because as much as I like it, I can't want it.

And the fiance. He's not listening as much as I would like him to. He's stubborn and rude and takes me for granted. He's trying, but I'm out of patience about so many things.

My heart and head don't match. And they both are conflicted about these two men. It's all too much. I shouldn't have let myself get so close to Adam this week. I should have held him at arm's length more. I should have ignored him and stayed away. But I didn't want to. I wanted attention. And it's increasingly difficult to get it from the fiance lately. He's never home. And even when he is, he's in his phone, playing his game, making excuses.

He's not treating me like I want and need, and Adam somehow is more.

But I cannot be with Adam. I could sit here and list a hundred reasons why, each more true and convincing than the next. I know it would literally never work with us.

But I can't stop feeling like I care about him just a little too much.

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