Friday, April 8, 2016

Nightmares

I've been needing to blog for DAYS. It's weird to me that I often tell clients to journal or write, but I have an issue getting that done for myself sometimes.

I had terrible nightmares last night. Awful ones about the kids, my parents, school, my body image, and my fiance. They were all horrible.

I know it's because this week has been stressful: school issues, tough session with the adolescent group where I disclosed a lot of issues within myself, tough eval with a classmate where I did the same, brand new client who has some SEVERE issues, fiance is struggling at work, kid issues, working too damn much, and Adam.

I'm glad he's not too aggressive, but it also annoys me. I want attention. When I push, he pushes back, but never too hard. He distances himself from me. He will chase and hang around until I give him attention, but then when I start to, he retreats a bit. I truly believe the night he told me he didn't want to get emotional about me was a huge dose of truth. It makes me think back to Bird and how he wasn't like that... When I pushed, he gave in as hard as he could. When I was aggressive, he wanted more. He got emotional. I guess if I'm honest, we both did, but I think he definitely did more, especially at certain points. Then when I gave him the option to be emotional with me, he retreated because he had already squelched that part of things too hard. We both know I would have devastated him and changed his whole life, and he didn't want to leave his comfort zone. 

When I give Adam a small window, he tells me I'm beautiful, that he wanted alone time, makes sexual jokes, touches me, gets close... He says something about sixth grade. I say, "I was totally awesome in sixth grade, you know." He replies, "Yeah, I would have liked sixth grade you" with a dreamy far-away and kind of vulnerable look in his eyes. I respond, "You would have been in love with sixth grade me." He goes, "Oh, yeah I would." When I leave work he tells me, "Ok, go get some beauty sleep. Not that you need it." I didn't hear him, and asked him to repeat it. He then yelled it across the parking lot.

He pulls on my heart strings. He's not what I want. At all. He's a huuuuge mess. But the moments when he's not trying to be cool or spit game and when it's just us are so intimate and sweet. I could really like him if life was different. But, it's not. And I've limited myself to only being around him in the perfect scenario at work of no Ee and no Lolly. Because they know the history, and they get annoyed with me when I don't keep it in the past. It's also a wall I've built, because he has built walls. And I can't let myself be vulnerable with someone who won't be with me. With Bird, it was a good give and take. That is not the case with Adam...

Plus, I'm trying to be good. I just miss the fiance. And lately with his school and work issues, he's been a mess, and we can't find a lot of time together. Then when we do, it's not carefree and fun. It's a lot of obligation to handle. We need a date. We needed a date night real fucking badly last week, but he ruined it. Hardcore ruined it... But I can't go back in time, so we're left waiting for something fun to become available. Maybe in May...

And kid issues... A lot of our free time is spent handling those. But I've already processed that, worked through it, and handled my emotions. So, I try not to let myself fall back into that pit of emotion. I just selfishly wish that he would chill the fuck out about them sometimes. Realize they're totally ok. And stop making things a depressing negative mess when it's unnecessary to do so. Because it ruins the little time we do have.

I also need to throw in camp... It was stressful for me this year. Not the usual healing and uplifting experience I am used to. I just saw all the dysfunction. With the kids, with T, with everything. I can't do it again. It's time for me to move on. I just felt like I was missing out on being there for my own kids and wanting to be home.

Anyway, I'm going to nap before work. Then I will go and have a salad. And healthy shit when I get off.... Lately I've been a piggy mess, and I need to get my ass back in shape soon for the weddingggg.


Trauma I've Been Through:
Substance Abuse
Cutting
Eating Disorders
Domestic Voilence
Being Poor AF
Promiscuity
Divorce
Bad Romantic Relationships
Death
Family Problems




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