Friday, April 29, 2016

Everything is annoying me

I don't like feeling like we're struggling, and lately we are. 

I go through his phone. Nothing bad, except the porn. Always the same scenario - perfect blonde girls riding cock. Like, wow. Is that supposed to be his ideal version of me?? Because I can't get him to even be that aggressive with me. It's so ANNOYING. I know all the logic, but it irritates the fuck out of me anyway...

We argue because he's always wrapped up in his phone. I spy, and it's because he's on his stupid fucking games. Tonight I asked for attention over and over and over to no avail, and then I blew up. I'm over him half listening, pretending to listen, pretending to focus. I'm over competing with the world to get a piece of what's supposed to be mine. 

I locked him out of the bedroom and made him sleep on the couch. It's not like he couldn't break in... I do it all the time when he locks me out. I am a better break in artist, but still. He just let me alone, which at that point I think I sincerely wanted. We texted for an hour (yeah, in the same house. It's how we handle things) and then I went to sleep. When I re-read the conversation I didn't get hurtful... I was just livid. 

Shit like this makes me want a side guy... So badly. I've been trying to be good and not slutty since we are taking our relationship to the next level, and because I just want to be a good person. But this shit it getting old. I need attention, and I need it now. I've warned him that I need it from him or I'm going to start looking elsewhere, but he doesn't seem to be fucking listening or getting it. Or maybe caring. 

He takes me for granted. And this isn't like some big fucking revelation, but God DAMN I wish he would stop. 

I was supposed to go to a party tonight, but I didn't. We stayed home and cooked dinner and got drunk. I ate well all day. The only binge-y moment I had was a bag of dehydrated apple chips. But no carbs all day except the alcohol, and I stuck to shots. 

Tomorrow we're supposed to go on a date night. This is now seeming like a stressful prospect because of both food and just him

Hating everything right now. Except that I'm on break...

My semester is over. I should have all A's again. One class might be a little close, and it will depend on the professor because of my absences, but regardless... I did well. Even though there were many times I felt like I might not do that well. And even though I started out rough. My professor complimented me yesterday - about how well I did this semester. It felt great.

So there's my silver lining. But I still feel pessimistic as shit right now. 

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