I have been a fucking mess lately. Certifiable.
I binged and purged 3 times in two days a couple days ago. And they were purges where I felt high afterward. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s just amazing, as terrible as that sounds. You feel powerful and clean and euphoric. But, I know I can’t keep going and that I’m lucky that they were nice ones. Because purging is either glorious or terrible, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I hit a really bad one, and I’d like to avoid that. I have chewed off all my nails. I have cleaned everything and been neurotic and overly organized at work.
And then I crashed today. I didn’t even feel this one coming.
I called out of work this morning. I can’t do it. I don’t even feel badly about it. I woke up from a dream that I was skipping class in grad school and trying to determine what my grade for the course would be and decided I could take the hit. Then I called out. Normally I would feel guilty about everyone who relies on me and worried about losing my job. But I legit don’t care.
After calling, I proceeded to try to enjoy myself. Sometimes when I call out, I mope around all day and find reasons to be down so that I can justify not going. Today I’m not doing that. I’m just letting myself exist in whatever state I’m in. I don’t need to find reasons to be more of a mess than I am.
I don’t know why I’m so apathetic today, and just kind of don’t give a fuck, but that’s where I am. Maybe I have just been so tense and stressed for so long lately that my brain finally switched off.
I don’t know why I feel like this lately I have a psych appointment scheduled, and I hope I can find something that helps. I can’t go on like this. I don’t even have a reason to be upset with life except that I wish I had more family and adult time, but I’ve been doing better with those things lately, honestly.
I don’t know why I feel like this. Normally I can identify why I’m a fucking train wreck, but the only thing lately that is bothering me is my weight.
I’m fucking fat lately. Like so fat that I keep outgrowing my clothes. I developed a 1,000 cal a day diet to stick to for a few months, and I’m going to just allow whatever ED stuff that happens to happen. I can’t fight it anymore lately. If I’m not being restrictive or purging, then I’m just binging and getting fat. I feel like I’ll never overcome this.
I feel like my ED will be around my entire fucking life. Like I’ll always be underlying depressed and anxious. Like I’ll never be fixed, and my mental health will always struggle. I had a thought the other day that my panic attacks have been almost nonexistent lately, but then behaviorally I am doing shitty.
And the annoying part is that I am legit happy with my life right now. There are some areas I would like some improvement, of course, but I feel like I’m managing well. I have friends and good family relationships and my bills are paid and I love my husband and kids and my job is great. I have had a few small stressors, but nothing that should even be making me feel so crazy.
And yet I feel like a fucking crazy person the past couple weeks.
So if I’m going to be crazy, I may as well put it to good use and get thinner.
