Sunday, March 28, 2010

Drunk texts from strangers and dreams

I got a drunk text or two last night...

From a girl that's a regular where I work. I met her first when her and her new, new boyfriend came into the restaurant and sat at my table. They then asked for me every time.

They haven't been in in a while.

The last time I saw her, he had stood her up. And she was devastated. I paid for her wine and mussels and she got my phone number. We talked for about an hour after my last tables left.

I feel so much pity for her.

Which is bitchy to say, but I do.

She came in last night and sat with a girl she knows at the bar. They got drunk and stiffed KB and her texts last night were all about how she's old and lonely and how her boyfriend broke up with her by e-mail.

I don't know why, but there is something about her that I just want to adopt her... I don't because she's a good 10 years older then me, but I know how unhappy her life is and I feel like every time I speak to her, she's looking for encouragement and someone to tell her it's going to be okay...

But, being the selfish person that I am, I know she would be a clingy, needy friend (which, I'm sorry to say is probably why the boy left her) and I don't want to deal with someone like that.

I don't even really know her and I got drunk texts... Like, what?

The thing that is the most terrible though, is that when I read the text where she said that he broke up with her, I thought if she were skinnier it would not have happened.

Chubby girls can't hold onto men... Especially men with money.

BUT, in other news...

The scale reads 115lbs this morning. Almost there.

I slept like a million hours last night after half a ciggy. And had the most retarded dreams about work and Chevy and about eating a mocha frap from Starbucks (which I do NOT allow myself!).

Do you ever have those ladies? Where you dream that you're eating and eating, very specific foods that you like that you don't allow yourself? And in the dream you feel guilty but it tastes SO good... And then when you wake up and realize it was a dream you feel happy and relieved and like you wish you could binge every night in your sleep?

I do. Often, actually. Or I dream terrible things about food, like I'm throwing up tar.

*shudder*

But anyway...

My calories yesterday were good. Not great, but I ran and ran and ran my ass off, so I guess I was okay... I had some bran cereal, an apple, a fiber bar, and some carby stuff I shouldn't have eaten. Fucking carbs.

I can feel myself dropping the bloaty, chubby feeling, but I'm still not where I want to be 100%.

But, alas, ladies I need to run. I have to get ready for work. ♥ you all. Think thin.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Blue

I am unhappy with myself.

And lately, it's not the binge-inducing, followed by purge-inducing type of deep hatred for myself... It's just this nagging unhappiness in the back of my mind.

Controllable, but still sad.

I don't want to kill myself, and I don't have that many crying breakdowns... I'm just unhappy.

I'm blue.

Sometimes when I look at photos of myself on my facebook or wherever, I think, "I don't look that bad."

But then when faced with my mirror and longer than 30 seconds of glaces, I feel hideous. I feel like a big fat blob who will never be beautiful or thin or amount to anything.

I have those moments, and then I resolve to do better, eat less, work out more, and I'm back off to life, unhappy but feeling like I'll be okay once I am thinner.

Thin is the only thing that can make me happy.

This realization has been life-altering.

Sometimes, I go through phases where I am SO depressed, thinking about how terribly fat I am and how I wish I were thinner. I get depressed.

Then I think, "If I just stop this, stop starving myself and counting calories and worrying, maybe I'll be happy. Maybe I can be normal."

But I can't be normal... And when I eat more than I know I should, and when I don't think about it, I feel guilty and dirty and disgusting.

And then my depression worsens.

So I have decided that I just need to be thinner. Simple as that.

I need to adopt a lifestyle that allows me that, regardless of what is considered "normal." I need to be thin because then I will be happy.

Then I won't hate myself... Or as the case right now, just really dis-like myself.

I'm sure I'll go back to hating within the week.

The ana track

I have been doing really well restricting lately... And though I have dropped off the face of the earth lately, I AM still alive and doing okay.

The scale read 116 when I stepped on it this morning... It's not low enough, but it's getting there. Slowly but surely.

I'm wearing smaller sizes and feeling pretty good... Now my goal is to work in more workouts to get my body perfect for my honeymoon... Bikini season is approaching and making me nervous... I need abs. And less cellulite. And thin thighs.

I'm a depressed mess everyday about my body, and the less I eat, the less depressed I feel, but it's still there... Lingering...

That's a random statement, but it's late and I'm exhausted.

My binging is down... I went through a terrible phase for a while... A dark place, but I'm past it... I'm back on track.

The right track.

Not the binge, mia track. The ana track.

Think thin ladies... I'll post again as soon as I can... Life is really hectic right now and the opportunities are limited lately.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Slipped

I overdid it a bit last night...

Nothing like the binges I just got over, just a few too many bites of this and that while partying it up on my weekend... I couldn't even begin to calculate calories without about an hour of research, but I think I ended my day at around 900... Definitely under 1,000, but that's not good to me.

1,000 means staying at the weight I'm at... Fewer gets me closer to my goal faster.

Why are weekends always the hardest for over-indulgence?

I'll do better today though.

Today I don't have to run my ass off at work, or be around food all night, so I'm not concerned with eating an abundance.

The goal: 500 cals to compensate a bit for yesterday... Going to start off my day with some fiber and loads of water...

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Feeling fabulous

I have been seriously restricting for FOUR days! (Today will = 5.)

I haven't broken my resolve once, even with all the pot smoking I've been doing... It's SUCH an amazing feeling to see myself losing the pudge once again and see the scale read lower and lower...

I weighed 117 yesterday.

This means I will be 115 very very soon... And 110 soon after that.

I went clothes shopping for some business casual stuff because the next 2 weeks at work are chock full of corporate meetings, and I am LOW of this category of clothing... And I bought a pair of dress pants and jeans that were both a size THREE.

A fucking THREE... And the other pair of dress pants I almost bought were a TWO.

But I feel like dress pants are typically smaller than jeans... But GOD I brought home a pair of jeans that were a THREE and they FIT.

I haven't been this tiny since God knows when.

And I am so psyched.

It seems like every time I have a fat-girl lapse, I come back with stronger resolve and do well for longer periods of time.

I'm SO excited by how on top of life I have been lately. My house is spotless, my relationships are all well-masintained, and my body is lookin' better.

I feel good.

It's nice not to be in a depressed lapse for a change.

My binging is down and so is my mia as a result... Though I did slip up the day before my amazing stretch and it was a mess...

I've come to realize from self-observation and a few of my recent readings that I have a real eating disorder... I'm not just a wannabe, like I previously thought and like I maybe was when I was younger.

I know this sounds weird, but the realization shocked me a bit... I still know I'm not one of the categorical ED girls... I'm not bulimic or anorexic or a binge eater... I'm all of them...

I have self-titled myself a bi-polar ED girl.

I'm not bipolar personally (that I'm aware of) but my eating habits are... I go through times where I eat and eat, filling every inch of my stomach to bursting, and while eating something, thinking, "What can I eat next?" And there is no reason... I'm not hungry, I don't want to be eating, it's like I HAVE to. I feel SO guilty the whole time I'm eating and when I finally stop, I feel disgusted with myself.

(Binge phase)

And then I get this guilty wave of self-hatred. Mostly after such an episode, I have to purge. Not want to, absolutely HAVE to. But sometimes I talk myself out of it... I tell myself it's just food, that I'm okay... That it won't make me gain weight overnight... I give myself a silent therapy session... I tell myself all the things people tell me all the time.

(Purge phase... Or not)

Sometimes I do this for a couple days (or weeks) at a time. Terrible binging for no apparent reason. And then I get to my breaking point... I know I have to regain control. Control of my body and emotions and everything that got out of hand during my previous episode.

(Restricting phase)

Then I do well for a long time, drop weight, feel better about my life, my self... This is the period where I always feel GOOD. I don't cry as much, I don't feel like I want to die like I sometimes do during my binging phases...

And then something comes along and upsets this balance again...

I start the cycle over... The cycle could be a couple days, it could be a week, it could be a month, but it always goes like this... My emotional binging/purging phase is always MUCH shorter than my restricting phase... typically only a couple days, but it always comes back.

I don't know what triggers it.

I don't know how to stop it...

This may be confusing to some of you, but I needed to talk about it.

Anyway...

I woke up at 8am this morning (early for me... I work nights) and I had this stabbing pain in my stomach. It felt like digestion/gas pains, only it was at the top of my stomach. I went to the bathroom to get a glass of water and to look for something to take, and the pain became so intense I almost passed out...

We're talking one eye twitching tunnel vision almost passed out...

I don't know what caused it, but I laid down on my couch with my knees bent and managed to pass out after about 30mins of excruciating pain.

Maybe it was just gas pains??? Who knows... It hurt bad though, and the muscles in that area are even sore now.

I was pissed when I woke up because lately if I'm not under the influence of something before I try to go to sleep, I CANNOT do it.

At all...

I lay there awake, thinking about everything under the sun, counting calories, wishing I would have done a few more sit-ups before the day ended, wishing the fiance hadn't passed out so quickly so I could talk to him... On and on all night.

I don't know what to do about it... I usually just end up taking a pill or something to pass out.

I think I'm just stressed out lately...

Wedding planning has become extremely stressful... The place where we were having our reception has changed owners, and the NEW owners want to charge us additional fees that make our reception cost go from $3,000 to about $4,500.

Um, NO FUCKING WAY.

So it's a huge hassle with only 4 months to go til wedding bells.

I would be lying if I said I'm not panicking a little, but I'm freakishly calm about everything... I think we'll be able to find something else in time.

We have to, first of all, but second of all, $3,000 for an 80 person party should be easy to accomplish... And our budget is about $3,500 at this point.

I'm not worried... Much.

BUT, ladies, I want to catch up on your blogs now, so I'm off to do that.

Love you all.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Normal.

I have been SO out of commission ladies, and I'm finally back.

I've been acting like such a fat person. I'm so ashamed of myself...

I go through these cycles where I want to be NORMAL. Where I want to eat a normal amount of calories. Where I want to stop counting endlessly in my head every night before I fall asleep. Where I want to drink and smoke and eat something and not freak out. Where I want to eat junk food and not throw it up... Where I want to eat what everyone else eats and not feel ashamed and like I'm instantly gaining and becoming the fat cow I know I can quickly become.

I haven't gained, but my food choices have been shitty, and I've been throwing up a bit too much... I look pudgy.

I look bloated and oddly shaped.

And I FEEL like a fucking enormous cow.

I know my cycle, and I know that I'm headed back to ana full-force.

I want to be thin and fabulous more than anything.

It's a NEED... I haven't been able to sleep at ALL lately because I'm full of such GUILT. I'm so mad at myself... So frustrated with how I've been eating and thinking and not planning things and letting myself eat all this SHIT.

No excuses anymore... I'm not normal. I can't act "normal" if I'm not "normal." It just fills me with guilt and self-loathing and strips away my confidence... It makes me feel like more of a FAILURE than I already am.

I need ana to make me feel beautiful and successful and worth envying and loved.

I need to kick my binge-eating habits and stop this shit I do.

Tomorrow starts a new day.

No more excuses.

I need to get thin and ready for summer.

Goals:
No more that 600 cals a day (should be EASY, Cally!).
No mia. (No matter what I eat... Consider it punishment.)
Exercise 4 times a week minimum.
Tan 4 times a week minimum.

Cally's Fit Summer Plan - Day 1 begins tomorrow.

I hope you ladies forgive my absence... I'm back now.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sick, sick, sick.

Going home was amaaaazing.

Everyone went on and on about how thin I am... And I got a new super-cute haircut that the fiance is raving about.

I'm not doing well though...

I got SO sick on my trip.

First, the worst hangover of my life. I got SO drunk, SO suddenly, (Jello shots + empty stomach, trying to drink as much as I did when I weighed more) and then I was in KH's bathroom throwing up over and over... My friends threw me in the car and drove my ass home, and the next morning I heaved and heaved.

Terrible.

Then 2 days later, I have the flu. Fucking AGAIN.

This is the THIRD TIME THIS WINTER.

I hate it because I can barely move and can't take care of myself enough to care what I eat... I care, but when I'm throwing up half of it, I don't care as much.

I haven't gained yet. Let's hope it stays that way.

I have to go lie down.

I'm still alive, darlings... I'll get caught up soon.