Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Normal.

I have been SO out of commission ladies, and I'm finally back.

I've been acting like such a fat person. I'm so ashamed of myself...

I go through these cycles where I want to be NORMAL. Where I want to eat a normal amount of calories. Where I want to stop counting endlessly in my head every night before I fall asleep. Where I want to drink and smoke and eat something and not freak out. Where I want to eat junk food and not throw it up... Where I want to eat what everyone else eats and not feel ashamed and like I'm instantly gaining and becoming the fat cow I know I can quickly become.

I haven't gained, but my food choices have been shitty, and I've been throwing up a bit too much... I look pudgy.

I look bloated and oddly shaped.

And I FEEL like a fucking enormous cow.

I know my cycle, and I know that I'm headed back to ana full-force.

I want to be thin and fabulous more than anything.

It's a NEED... I haven't been able to sleep at ALL lately because I'm full of such GUILT. I'm so mad at myself... So frustrated with how I've been eating and thinking and not planning things and letting myself eat all this SHIT.

No excuses anymore... I'm not normal. I can't act "normal" if I'm not "normal." It just fills me with guilt and self-loathing and strips away my confidence... It makes me feel like more of a FAILURE than I already am.

I need ana to make me feel beautiful and successful and worth envying and loved.

I need to kick my binge-eating habits and stop this shit I do.

Tomorrow starts a new day.

No more excuses.

I need to get thin and ready for summer.

Goals:
No more that 600 cals a day (should be EASY, Cally!).
No mia. (No matter what I eat... Consider it punishment.)
Exercise 4 times a week minimum.
Tan 4 times a week minimum.

Cally's Fit Summer Plan - Day 1 begins tomorrow.

I hope you ladies forgive my absence... I'm back now.

1 comment:

  1. I too wish to be able to function normally around food.

    the problem with that is when I forget the "rules" and start to "live" i end up pudgy and hating it...

    ReplyDelete