Saturday, March 27, 2010

Blue

I am unhappy with myself.

And lately, it's not the binge-inducing, followed by purge-inducing type of deep hatred for myself... It's just this nagging unhappiness in the back of my mind.

Controllable, but still sad.

I don't want to kill myself, and I don't have that many crying breakdowns... I'm just unhappy.

I'm blue.

Sometimes when I look at photos of myself on my facebook or wherever, I think, "I don't look that bad."

But then when faced with my mirror and longer than 30 seconds of glaces, I feel hideous. I feel like a big fat blob who will never be beautiful or thin or amount to anything.

I have those moments, and then I resolve to do better, eat less, work out more, and I'm back off to life, unhappy but feeling like I'll be okay once I am thinner.

Thin is the only thing that can make me happy.

This realization has been life-altering.

Sometimes, I go through phases where I am SO depressed, thinking about how terribly fat I am and how I wish I were thinner. I get depressed.

Then I think, "If I just stop this, stop starving myself and counting calories and worrying, maybe I'll be happy. Maybe I can be normal."

But I can't be normal... And when I eat more than I know I should, and when I don't think about it, I feel guilty and dirty and disgusting.

And then my depression worsens.

So I have decided that I just need to be thinner. Simple as that.

I need to adopt a lifestyle that allows me that, regardless of what is considered "normal." I need to be thin because then I will be happy.

Then I won't hate myself... Or as the case right now, just really dis-like myself.

I'm sure I'll go back to hating within the week.

4 comments:

  1. I think the important thing is to chase happiness, whatever it might be for you. If your routine is more comfortable and soothing than the chaos and guilt of eating "normally" then don't feel bad for taking that path.

    Your description of your current state is so similar to a mood I frequently get. It sucks. Feel better :)

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  2. I 100% agree with Savory on this one.

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  3. I also agree with the wise words of Savory. Happiness is the aim here, really. I completely understand the ups and downs - some days I look ok, the majority not. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and think "OK my legs do look thin there" but stop and look again and it's gone.

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