I am unhappy with myself.
And lately, it's not the binge-inducing, followed by purge-inducing type of deep hatred for myself... It's just this nagging unhappiness in the back of my mind.
Controllable, but still sad.
I don't want to kill myself, and I don't have that many crying breakdowns... I'm just unhappy.
Sometimes when I look at photos of myself on my facebook or wherever, I think, "I don't look that bad."
But then when faced with my mirror and longer than 30 seconds of glaces, I feel hideous. I feel like a big fat blob who will never be beautiful or thin or amount to anything.
I have those moments, and then I resolve to do better, eat less, work out more, and I'm back off to life, unhappy but feeling like I'll be okay once I am thinner.
Thin is the only thing that can make me happy.
This realization has been life-altering.
Sometimes, I go through phases where I am SO depressed, thinking about how terribly fat I am and how I wish I were thinner. I get depressed.
Then I think, "If I just stop this, stop starving myself and counting calories and worrying, maybe I'll be happy. Maybe I can be normal."
But I can't be normal... And when I eat more than I know I should, and when I don't think about it, I feel guilty and dirty and disgusting.
And then my depression worsens.
So I have decided that I just need to be thinner. Simple as that.
I need to adopt a lifestyle that allows me that, regardless of what is considered "normal." I need to be thin because then I will be happy.
Then I won't hate myself... Or as the case right now, just really dis-like myself.
I'm sure I'll go back to hating within the week.