Saturday, March 13, 2010

Feeling fabulous

I have been seriously restricting for FOUR days! (Today will = 5.)

I haven't broken my resolve once, even with all the pot smoking I've been doing... It's SUCH an amazing feeling to see myself losing the pudge once again and see the scale read lower and lower...

I weighed 117 yesterday.

This means I will be 115 very very soon... And 110 soon after that.

I went clothes shopping for some business casual stuff because the next 2 weeks at work are chock full of corporate meetings, and I am LOW of this category of clothing... And I bought a pair of dress pants and jeans that were both a size THREE.

A fucking THREE... And the other pair of dress pants I almost bought were a TWO.

But I feel like dress pants are typically smaller than jeans... But GOD I brought home a pair of jeans that were a THREE and they FIT.

I haven't been this tiny since God knows when.

And I am so psyched.

It seems like every time I have a fat-girl lapse, I come back with stronger resolve and do well for longer periods of time.

I'm SO excited by how on top of life I have been lately. My house is spotless, my relationships are all well-masintained, and my body is lookin' better.

I feel good.

It's nice not to be in a depressed lapse for a change.

My binging is down and so is my mia as a result... Though I did slip up the day before my amazing stretch and it was a mess...

I've come to realize from self-observation and a few of my recent readings that I have a real eating disorder... I'm not just a wannabe, like I previously thought and like I maybe was when I was younger.

I know this sounds weird, but the realization shocked me a bit... I still know I'm not one of the categorical ED girls... I'm not bulimic or anorexic or a binge eater... I'm all of them...

I have self-titled myself a bi-polar ED girl.

I'm not bipolar personally (that I'm aware of) but my eating habits are... I go through times where I eat and eat, filling every inch of my stomach to bursting, and while eating something, thinking, "What can I eat next?" And there is no reason... I'm not hungry, I don't want to be eating, it's like I HAVE to. I feel SO guilty the whole time I'm eating and when I finally stop, I feel disgusted with myself.

(Binge phase)

And then I get this guilty wave of self-hatred. Mostly after such an episode, I have to purge. Not want to, absolutely HAVE to. But sometimes I talk myself out of it... I tell myself it's just food, that I'm okay... That it won't make me gain weight overnight... I give myself a silent therapy session... I tell myself all the things people tell me all the time.

(Purge phase... Or not)

Sometimes I do this for a couple days (or weeks) at a time. Terrible binging for no apparent reason. And then I get to my breaking point... I know I have to regain control. Control of my body and emotions and everything that got out of hand during my previous episode.

(Restricting phase)

Then I do well for a long time, drop weight, feel better about my life, my self... This is the period where I always feel GOOD. I don't cry as much, I don't feel like I want to die like I sometimes do during my binging phases...

And then something comes along and upsets this balance again...

I start the cycle over... The cycle could be a couple days, it could be a week, it could be a month, but it always goes like this... My emotional binging/purging phase is always MUCH shorter than my restricting phase... typically only a couple days, but it always comes back.

I don't know what triggers it.

I don't know how to stop it...

This may be confusing to some of you, but I needed to talk about it.

Anyway...

I woke up at 8am this morning (early for me... I work nights) and I had this stabbing pain in my stomach. It felt like digestion/gas pains, only it was at the top of my stomach. I went to the bathroom to get a glass of water and to look for something to take, and the pain became so intense I almost passed out...

We're talking one eye twitching tunnel vision almost passed out...

I don't know what caused it, but I laid down on my couch with my knees bent and managed to pass out after about 30mins of excruciating pain.

Maybe it was just gas pains??? Who knows... It hurt bad though, and the muscles in that area are even sore now.

I was pissed when I woke up because lately if I'm not under the influence of something before I try to go to sleep, I CANNOT do it.

At all...

I lay there awake, thinking about everything under the sun, counting calories, wishing I would have done a few more sit-ups before the day ended, wishing the fiance hadn't passed out so quickly so I could talk to him... On and on all night.

I don't know what to do about it... I usually just end up taking a pill or something to pass out.

I think I'm just stressed out lately...

Wedding planning has become extremely stressful... The place where we were having our reception has changed owners, and the NEW owners want to charge us additional fees that make our reception cost go from $3,000 to about $4,500.

Um, NO FUCKING WAY.

So it's a huge hassle with only 4 months to go til wedding bells.

I would be lying if I said I'm not panicking a little, but I'm freakishly calm about everything... I think we'll be able to find something else in time.

We have to, first of all, but second of all, $3,000 for an 80 person party should be easy to accomplish... And our budget is about $3,500 at this point.

I'm not worried... Much.

BUT, ladies, I want to catch up on your blogs now, so I'm off to do that.

Love you all.

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