Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Hater

I'm pissed and SUPER fucking annoyed...

With the bestie: for being SUCH a fucking needy bitch all the time and flirting with my man and every other fucking man on the planet and being so emotionally codependent that she fucking going back to the piece of shit she just left, because after a couple of months dealing with her crazy, ALL other guys leave her. I hate how fucking dysfunctional she is and how she acts like it's just fucking ok to be that way and like she's not the one who's responsible to get her fucking head on straight. It's not fucking cute to be a mess and it's not fucking funny the way she acts. She's fucking pathetic and exhausting.

I'm pissed with Lolly: for having no fucking self-respect and inconveniencing my life only to put hers back into a shitty place. And for not thanking me for fucking helping her all the goddamn time and not doing me any fucking favors in return.

And I'm pissed that these are my "best" friends in life. And I can't address half this shit with them because I HAVE in the past, and it doesn't fucking matter because they don't fucking LISTEN. They just keep fucking up their lives and then want to whine about it when it's fucking shitty.

Like, GODDAMN FUCK OFF. 

My goddam vagina is on fire, and my ovaries are about to fall out, and everything is making me so mother fucking angry, I could spit acid.

I'm pissed as well that this fucking semester and taking addictions is BULLSHIT, and I don't really want to confess my "slips" and I just want to fucking drink and not hear about it from other people. I don't really give a flying fuck what people have to say about that habit AT ALL, and I wish Jay would just shut the fuck up and stop trying to be fucking helpful, because it's fucking NOT.

And I wish the goddamn power-tripping intern lady would not be such a CUNT.

Thank you, that is all.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Adam and Alcohol

The Adam stuff is all settled. At least on my end.

He never responded to my text saying he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work. He left e alone for a couple shifts, and then the last couple shifts we worked together, he kept getting in my conversations, saying things directly to me or about me, calling me by name.

My response has been to completely ignored him. I don't make eye contact, don't respond, don't look in his general direction, and walk away when he starts talking. I want to scream at him to shut the fuck up and call him names, but instead I just keep with the silent treatment, because I feel like that's far more impactful in this situation.

Then, two nights ago after work, it all came to a head. I went out and drank with my coworkers. I wanted to hang out with Ee and decompress a bit because there's been a lot of drama and bullshit going on lately. Ee and I went to the usual spot, but everyone else had gone to a different place. I texted Dani and asked her where she was and who was there. She told me the place and named off like 7 people. When I arrived, there were 8... Adam was there. Mr. "never goes out and doesn't drink" was standing there in his tank-top and basketball shorts with a beer in his hand. I decided to turn it on hard, and really make it a point that he was being ignored. I stripped down to my undershirt and went over to where he was standing in a group. I hugged all of them, save him, and and chit-chatted and laughed and giggled and was handsy and never once even looked in his direction. I threw myself around and flirted and even guys who were not in our group took note and started talking about me in range of Adam. One of my coworkers bought me a drink and when Ee asked if I wanted another one, I said that Jay was buying me one right as Adam came to talk to Ee. Another guy who used to work with us who at one point tried very hard to sleep with me was there, and I used the shit out of him, hugging him and getting tons of attention.

Ee and I were laughing like crazy, watching all the players who didn't even know they were players, and enjoying ourselves. It was epic.

But it kind of kicked off a little bender to be honest. I drank yesterday and the day before as well. I felt like it. I wanted to. My professor gave us an extension on our papers, so I decided to lay out by the pool, get some sun, cook a meal (skinny for my portion, of course) and drink a bit. The fiance and I had a fucking nice evening... I needed it.

I think I'm starting to decide my views on drinking via this class. I like to drink and do drugs. I don't think I have an actual problem. I just went two weeks with not a substance in my body. While that's the most sober I've been in ten years, and I'm proud, I'm also not feeling like it's something I need to keep up with... I want to be able to enjoy myself and drinking is part of that. Plus, for some reason, it's easier to chill about food when I drink a little.

And I don't like binging and purging. I've done it a few times lately when I was stressed, and I really don't fucking like it.

Friday, June 3, 2016

How can he love me?

I've been feeling like I'm a milisecond away from crying for days now...

Class on Wednesday was exhausting and mentally draining. I was on campus from 9am-10pm and dealing with all kinds of emotional shit... I can't even really explain the experiences I had, but when I was driving home, I started crying.

I hate myself. I hate the person that I am at this moment - eating disordered, fat, slutty, and addicted.

Yesterday we went to the beach for the man's birthday. Jordan wouldn't stop texting me, even though I wasn't responding. I'm going to block him. I got drunk, even thought I'm not supposed to be drinking right now, and got too hot at the beach with no food in my stomach. I ended up throwing up twice and felt extremely fucked up. The man and I got into two fights... Then he drove us home. I tried not to act like I was extremely sorry, because I feel like I shouldn't be in a way.

Today, I'm shouldning all over myself.. I should not have drank yesterday. I should have let him enjoy his birthday and taken it easy and not let myself get all fucking sick. I should have been the DD. I should have taken charge more. I should have packed better. Should, should, should.

I don't know why the fuck he loves me. I feel like I am the most disgusting and unlovable person on the planet. I have violated his trust so many times and done such awful shit. I'm gross and ugly. I'm worthless and lazy and trashy. And I know he sees all of this. I fear that one day, he'll just get too sick of it all and leave me.

I texted him that I felt lonely and started crying. There's something wrong with me.

He told me he loves me and will be home to cuddle me soon. I hope it's all true...