Friday, June 3, 2016

How can he love me?

I've been feeling like I'm a milisecond away from crying for days now...

Class on Wednesday was exhausting and mentally draining. I was on campus from 9am-10pm and dealing with all kinds of emotional shit... I can't even really explain the experiences I had, but when I was driving home, I started crying.

I hate myself. I hate the person that I am at this moment - eating disordered, fat, slutty, and addicted.

Yesterday we went to the beach for the man's birthday. Jordan wouldn't stop texting me, even though I wasn't responding. I'm going to block him. I got drunk, even thought I'm not supposed to be drinking right now, and got too hot at the beach with no food in my stomach. I ended up throwing up twice and felt extremely fucked up. The man and I got into two fights... Then he drove us home. I tried not to act like I was extremely sorry, because I feel like I shouldn't be in a way.

Today, I'm shouldning all over myself.. I should not have drank yesterday. I should have let him enjoy his birthday and taken it easy and not let myself get all fucking sick. I should have been the DD. I should have taken charge more. I should have packed better. Should, should, should.

I don't know why the fuck he loves me. I feel like I am the most disgusting and unlovable person on the planet. I have violated his trust so many times and done such awful shit. I'm gross and ugly. I'm worthless and lazy and trashy. And I know he sees all of this. I fear that one day, he'll just get too sick of it all and leave me.

I texted him that I felt lonely and started crying. There's something wrong with me.

He told me he loves me and will be home to cuddle me soon. I hope it's all true...

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