Friday, April 30, 2010

Another scattered entry

Dizzy head.

Scattered thoughts.

Under 500 calories.

And 1,000 burned.

"I can handle a little more eating," one side says. "It won't hurt."

But I know this cycle.

Then it becomes more and more until I've eaten far too much for far too long.

So I don't even take the first bite.

I greedily stare at a co-worker's plate until I have to look away.

Off to another thought.

Something else to consume me so I don't consume.

Real entry soon, ladies. And comments all around.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

No Guilt Attached.

Ana, Mia, I have missed you.

Welcome home, they say.

I'm falling into it again.

Throwing up in the shower before work so the fiance can't hear it.

In the bathroom of restaurants after a drink, some wings and nachos.

Then today... It's like a wall has broken down, once again.

A plan of attack. 300 calories consumed so far with no guilt attached.

I'll clean the house, burn about 400 cals. Do a workout video, and make myself feel thin and beautiful. And I'll let myself have a cigarette for dinner and water for dessert.

Off to execute.

Off to achieve.

Think thin, ladies.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Mini update

Man I have fucked up lately.

But that's all aside.

I'm alive, ladies. I'm okay.

Not good, but okay.

And I'll get better every day.

I'll get thinner.

I'll achieve my goals and stop hating myself.

I don't have the time/mental energy to blog.

But know you're always in my heart.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Fucked up in more ways than one

Mia took over yesterday and today... It's 2am, and I'm determined to knock it off tomorrow.

I can't keep down this road.

I'll kill myself.

I took too many laxatives and had to stay home from work today... I had a BM about every 2 hours from 6:30am until around 3pm. Plus I was an emotional wreck and hating myself, so it was the best option.

And to top it off, I made myself throw up once today.

What is WRONG with me?

Restriction begins again tomorrow.

I need to get my head on straight and just focus. One fuck up doesn't warrant another one... I need to remember this.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tex-Mex Purge

Yesterday's intake:
B: Oatmeal - 100 cals.
L: Tex-Mex with the fiance - Mia'd (2 margaritas lead to extremely lowered inhibitions which lead to extreme over-eating, dessert, chips, and throwing up as soon as I got home and then passing out drunk in bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.)
D: 1 BBQ chicken drumstick - 200 cals. (Which made my hung-over stomach extremely sick feeling all night.)

SO, 300 cals, and a massive purge.

Not proud, but not surprisingly, not disappointed in the purge... As long as I get to my goals, that's what really matters. I just want to accomplish my challenge.

Today's planned intake:
B: Cereal - 100
L: Noodle/Veg Bowl - 200
D: Oatmeal - 100
S: Fruit - 100


And an ab video in a bit here.

Still need to get on track with the workouts, and as soon as I get my paycheck, tanning here I come!

In other news, in my feverish, stomach cramping state last night, laying in bed while the fiance was on the computer in the living room, I had a MASSIVE panic attack... I was absolutely terrified he was going to find this blog... Discover my dirty little secret and want to leave me.

That's why I never tell him; he doesn't know.

I'm scared he'll see how crazy I am and want out.

I had to rationalize myself to sleep.

Nightmares abounded.

Think thin, ladies.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Memorial Day Challenge!

I'm trying to occupy myself now that the fiance is at work so that I don't have a binge session... I don't even feel hungry, but that's never stopped me before.

The only thing that's stopping me is the warm weather whispering in my ear, "Your bikins are going to look disgusting stretched over your fat bulges if you keep it up!"

My new goal is Memorial Day - May 31st. (This is when the pool opens at our apartment complex, and it's also the 3rd anniversary of the fiance and I's first date.)

SO, I bring you the Memorial Day Challenge!


Lose at least 2lbs a week (more probably) between now and Memorial Day.
Work out at least 5 times a week (Gotta tone that bikini bod!)

If anyone would like to join me and get ready for the first weekend of the summer where you're EXPECTED to look good in a swimsuit, let me knooow!

We'll weigh-in every week, and if you would like to lose less or more per week, or whatever, we'll account for that... You can choose whether or not you want to include the workouts, and also if you want to include a calorie cap (Mine is always around 500.) I'm also going to include TANNING 4 times a week because I'm as white as a sheet right now.

If you want to join, post on this or e-mail me at and tell me what your goals are and the URL of your blog... Join me within the next week!

Starting weight - 120lbs.

Yep, gained 5 lbs in about 2 weeks... "Normal" eating, I cannot do. I over-eat. A lot. And while I'm ashamed of this number, which was 115 a couple weeks ago, I'm sharing in hopes people will join me with my goal!

7 weeks is enough time to accomplish it, ladies!

At that point, I'll also need to get measured for my wedding dress alterations which means I can't really lose/gain too much more after that until after July 17th.

Two pounds a week will put me at 106, and I don't know WHY, exactly, but I really want to be under 107.

I think it's because 107 is the lowest number everywhere I've read says I should be for my height. My range is like 107-145, and just under that would mean perfection, thinner than average.

I got on the scale this morning (pre-BM, mind you) and my weight hadn't smudged. Now, I realize I've only been doing the severe restricting for about 2 days at that point, but normally that drops me about 1lb... I'm hoping to stay strong all week and then weigh in and see how I'm doing with the challenge.

Off to work out!

Think thin, ladies!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Tainted memories and job woes

I've gained since my last post. So goes the cycle that is me... I just...

It's like this:

When I think back over the past year to all the fun times I've had with my family and friends and the fiance, at the end of every memory is a piece of ana or mia.

Camping trips with my mom and dad and brother where I threw food out so I wouldn't have to eat it, birthdays and holidays shrouded by guilt at how much food I had to consume to appear "normal," and an endless number of dates with the fiance where I mia'd the contents of my stomach. I have throw up in countless bathrooms at every restaurant I've eaten at and a million times at work during my shift.

And sometimes, I just want to have happy memories without all that... Without thinking about how I am so FUCKED up.

So, over the past couple weeks, I've gone camping and to dinner and had dates at the house and I didn't act like an ED person... I just wanted a few memories where I wasn't ruining it with my eating disorder...

BUT, that's all come to an end, because I have gained. Not too much, (an amount a normal person wouldn't even notice) but enough that I don't want to gain another ounce, and I'm going to work hard to take it off.

Yesterday was good as far as calorie consumption... I managed to keep it low, and did a workout in the morning... My goal is to work out again today and keep the cals around 500...

My plan of attack for my approaching summer and honeymoon is:
500 cals a day
Tanning 4+ times a week.
Workouts every day for 5 straight days followed by a day off.

I have a little under 100 days to get bikini/wedding ready.

Plan for today:
Workout video!
B: Pineapple - 100 cals - 2pm
L: Peaches - 100cals - 5pm
D: Cereal - 130cals - 8pm
S: Meal from grocery store - 200 cals - When I get home
No weed tonight!!!

I really don't want to go to work tonight...

I'm SO sick of my job... And Sunday nights are the worst... I manage, and I pretty much sit in the office playing Mah Jong on the computer until I have to go home... I'm not going in until 4 today. Steve can kiss my ass... The day manager is always nagging me to come in an hour earlier so he can leave... Because being there for 5 hours would kill him... I'm not today. He pissed me off last week, so he can stay an extra hour.


Last night was a rough night... It's nights like those where I want to quit so badly... I'm standing at my table telling them about our fish special, and while my mouth is repeating the same spiel for the millionth time in my life, (I don't even think about it anymore... It just flows from my mouth while I think of when I have to do next) I thought, "Is this really what my life has become? Wearing this stupid uniform, telling these obese people about our food which is slowly killing them and pretending like I give 2 shits about what they'll enjoy eating. I'm a failure. Fine dining my ass. This place is a hell-hole."

The restaurant where I work is nice. It's extremely popular in town and on the rich side of town, so we get a lot of millionaires and vacationers with money since it's inside a 4-star hotel.

But it blows. We just reached our official 1 year of being open, and it;s made me extremely angry. I didn't want to be doing this stupid shit for so long. I HATE that place... And I hate how much everyone there whines and bitches and how they all depend on me for EVERYTHING and do NOTHING for themselves... I'm so tired of getting phone calls on my days off and when I've gone home... Figure it out yourself.

I'm a fucking server. And yeah, it's a cushy place to be one, and I manage and run a lot of things, but you can't change facts....

My job blows.

I can't wait to move so I can get a new one.

Well, off to work out and get in some model TV before work.

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Home alone

B&P... Whenever I'm home alone, I go crazy...

It's not pretty.

I need to get myself under control.

FUCK, man.

I hate this.

Why? Why do I ALWAYS do this?

I'm a failure in so many ways.

And this is not a pity party statement.

This is the truth.

Countdown to summer, and I'm fat, pale, and not toned at all.

Why isn't 115lbs good enough anymore?