Sunday, April 11, 2010

Tainted memories and job woes

I've gained since my last post. So goes the cycle that is me... I just...

It's like this:

When I think back over the past year to all the fun times I've had with my family and friends and the fiance, at the end of every memory is a piece of ana or mia.

Camping trips with my mom and dad and brother where I threw food out so I wouldn't have to eat it, birthdays and holidays shrouded by guilt at how much food I had to consume to appear "normal," and an endless number of dates with the fiance where I mia'd the contents of my stomach. I have throw up in countless bathrooms at every restaurant I've eaten at and a million times at work during my shift.

And sometimes, I just want to have happy memories without all that... Without thinking about how I am so FUCKED up.

So, over the past couple weeks, I've gone camping and to dinner and had dates at the house and I didn't act like an ED person... I just wanted a few memories where I wasn't ruining it with my eating disorder...

BUT, that's all come to an end, because I have gained. Not too much, (an amount a normal person wouldn't even notice) but enough that I don't want to gain another ounce, and I'm going to work hard to take it off.

Yesterday was good as far as calorie consumption... I managed to keep it low, and did a workout in the morning... My goal is to work out again today and keep the cals around 500...

My plan of attack for my approaching summer and honeymoon is:
500 cals a day
Tanning 4+ times a week.
Workouts every day for 5 straight days followed by a day off.

I have a little under 100 days to get bikini/wedding ready.

Plan for today:
Workout video!
B: Pineapple - 100 cals - 2pm
L: Peaches - 100cals - 5pm
D: Cereal - 130cals - 8pm
S: Meal from grocery store - 200 cals - When I get home
No weed tonight!!!

I really don't want to go to work tonight...

I'm SO sick of my job... And Sunday nights are the worst... I manage, and I pretty much sit in the office playing Mah Jong on the computer until I have to go home... I'm not going in until 4 today. Steve can kiss my ass... The day manager is always nagging me to come in an hour earlier so he can leave... Because being there for 5 hours would kill him... I'm not today. He pissed me off last week, so he can stay an extra hour.


Last night was a rough night... It's nights like those where I want to quit so badly... I'm standing at my table telling them about our fish special, and while my mouth is repeating the same spiel for the millionth time in my life, (I don't even think about it anymore... It just flows from my mouth while I think of when I have to do next) I thought, "Is this really what my life has become? Wearing this stupid uniform, telling these obese people about our food which is slowly killing them and pretending like I give 2 shits about what they'll enjoy eating. I'm a failure. Fine dining my ass. This place is a hell-hole."

The restaurant where I work is nice. It's extremely popular in town and on the rich side of town, so we get a lot of millionaires and vacationers with money since it's inside a 4-star hotel.

But it blows. We just reached our official 1 year of being open, and it;s made me extremely angry. I didn't want to be doing this stupid shit for so long. I HATE that place... And I hate how much everyone there whines and bitches and how they all depend on me for EVERYTHING and do NOTHING for themselves... I'm so tired of getting phone calls on my days off and when I've gone home... Figure it out yourself.

I'm a fucking server. And yeah, it's a cushy place to be one, and I manage and run a lot of things, but you can't change facts....

My job blows.

I can't wait to move so I can get a new one.

Well, off to work out and get in some model TV before work.

Think thin, ladies.


  1. ahhh i am also in DESPERATE need of a job change.. being at the same place for four and a half years is the worst.

  2. I wish I had a job. Any job in fact would be alright with me haha. I know what you mean about the memories thing. I've wanted to stop many times, but every time I try I remember how bad I wanted it and how close I came. Stay strong hun <3

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3