I want to die all the time. The thought circles through my mind about 100 times an hour. "I want to die." Sometimes the thought is loud - deafening; other times it's soft and gentle and just a small passing whisper. But it's always there.
Persistent depressive disorder; with anxious distress. Bulimia nervosa. Binge eating disorder. Social phobia. Excoration. PTSD. Cyclothymic disorder.
Like, what don't I have? The DSM is a description of my life. My functioning is poor. My mood is poor.
Normally I will have a reason to be depressed. Lately the entire world has a million reasons to be depressed. But I don't have any significant ones. Is the weight of COVID and the current political temperature of the country what's eating me? Am I unhappy in my job/marriage/family roles?
Maybe.. Maybe it's the stress of all of this. Or maybe I have just never functioned well. Maybe depression is a major issue that I have always had and the reasons are secondary. I'm sure they exacerbate it, but I'm not sure they even cause episodes of it.
It's easy to manage in restaurants - you call out, or see if you can get cut, someone else takes your shift, no one relies on you really, so not one notices or cares if you flake on your job here and there. It's never days upon days in bed - it's just a night here and there where you're sick/tired/busy and don't want to work. You can be unreliable, and no one asks why, because you are guaranteed more reliable than someone else that works there. And if you're not, you go one to a different place with the same issues and the same systems, and you find a place where whatever level you function at is what is expected. You make friends with your manager, and they cover for you. You tell yourself it's just because you hate working in restaurants so much - that's the root of this mood issue. Once you have a "real job" this won't be a problem anymore. That's the "reason."
But then comes graduate school. And you're still flaking. You're missing mandatory classes and emailing professors. Only the "reason" now is the fiance, the homelessness, the drama. Those were valid reasons, but were they really the only concern?
And then into professional gig number one. The "reason" then was pregnancy. The worst pregnancy everyone ever heard of. You poor thing, you're under so much stress - no wonder you can barely function. So, you make friends again with the manager. The same old tricks keep working. And then when the manager is gone and the pregnancy is over, your reason is the population.
So it's on to professional gig number 2. The reason now? There's adjustment, a high productivity requirement, the world is fucking falling apart.
But are these issues the things that cause my depression, or and I just fucking depressed and destined to be that way NO MATTER WHAT? How do I truly get this depression under control? I'm tired of it. And lately the more I acknowledge it, the more I feel like it's growing.
Every breath I take discussing the issue out loud to people makes me feel good in some respects and worse in others. I can't fake it anymore, but I don't know how to treat it. I don't know what works to help it. I just know how to do a lot of things to make it worse.
I wish I could follow my own advice.
Current efforts:
Stop smoking pot - it makes you feel depressed once you come down; it makes you EAT and get FAT, and even though when you're sober and tell yourself that you can smoke and not eat, you do NOT possess that ability as soon as smoke wisps stab your feeble little brain. You currently do not posses any self-control to limit eating when smoking or limit intensity of smoking once you start, so a period of abstinence is in order. This can be re-visited at a later date. Like in August.
Stop binging - like for real. You need to get this under control more than anything. It's the main thing that contributes to bad physical and mental health for you. You're fat af right now, and you need to just stop that. It doesn't have to get all crazy with restricting or dieting - just stop binging.
Stop missing work - you cannot afford to get a new job. You already have the manager in your pocket. You're currently valuable but not invaluable. Don't fucking blow this, you idiot. Go to fucking work and do what you need to do and allow yourself to be a miserable fuck on the weekends or late at night.
Work out more - you don't need more sleep. You need exercise. You enjoy it - you enjoy it while you're working out, you feel good the rest of the day, and if you stop fucking eating so much, it will help your disgusting body to look less disgusting. Just get up early and push yourself a little and stop talking yourself out of it.
Think thin. It WILL make you feel better. And not much else is these days.
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