I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like there is an insane amount of pressure on me to be ok right now, but I'm not ok. Not even a little. Not at all. I'm all over the place. I'm not adjusting to the new world that I live in quickly enough. I talk about myself too much. I do too much and in the wrong direction.
I've said those word before here.
I want to function better, and I of all people should know how to achieve that.
I stopped my meds. The Vybriid was not helping and it was making me fat. Legit fat. I felt hungry every second of the day and gained about ten pounds in a month. I tapered for a week and stopped, and now I feel like garbage. I've been having SSRI withdrawals like a motherfucker for like 5 days now. I can feel improvement with it, but holy shit it was bad a couple days ago.
I haven't binged in about a week, and that is insanely good progress for me at this point. I have been trying just to accomplish that and nothing more. Just don't binge. It is easy at this moment, and I hope it will stay that way.
I felt like shit today. I ate breakfast, but then not lunch and threw up dinner. Partly because I felt ill and partly just because I had a rough day and let myself. I have been good with not purging lately, but I gave myself permission today. I wonder when in my life I'll stop throwing up my food when I'm stressed out.
Will I ever?
I remember being a kid and watching a made for TV movie about a bulimic rich housewife. I vividly recall a scene where she gets a blueberry pie out of her fridge and there, with the fridge door open, binges on the pie. She makes her hand into a scoop and proceeds to shove it in as fast as she can. That was one of the first moments in my life that I had awareness of what bulimia was. I don't recall my emotional reaction to it, but I remember thinking it was sad that someone that age would not have a better way to manage. To still be going back to Mia for comfort as a grown-ass woman and not a 20-something or teen seems desperate. It seems lame and sad and pathetic.
I feel like I am on the cusp of being here in life. I can relate. I know the appeal of eating in front of the fridge hidden from others and then purging it all up in secrecy too. It's a completely isolated moment in a world that feels like everyone is looking at you or to your for something. It's like being on your own planet. It's not meant to be shared or understood.
The dysfunctional way to manage feelings of desperation are to give in to them. Mia feeds desperation with the regurgitate food of her victims.
I like being alone. I long for it sometimes. But the moments I have where I am are so few these days. The whole world is isolated from one another right now, but my world has become more populated. And everyone is acting badly. I had a moment where I longed so deeply for a day to myself. A day where I didn't have to talk to a single person. Just one day is all I really want, but I would be completely happy if it were more than that. But my world stops working if I don't talk.
I always have to talk. And often I do it too much. I fill empty silences. I ramble. I catch myself talking about myself too much, but I can't stop doing it. I am not even discussing a real thing sometimes but I can't seem to shut my goddamn mouth in those moments. I hate it.
I hate myself. Always historically. but it's especially true right now.
I need to do better.
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