I have begun a new weight loss regimen. I was able to go a couple weeks with minimal binging, had a day I basically didn't eat due to stomach concerns (probably also from SSRI withdrawal), and then decided I needed to really hone down on my weight loss.
I have developed the following efforts:
- Stop binging.
- Only weigh in weekly on Mondays.
- Track calories.
- Keep calories under 1,000 per day (I've been averaging 850 daily).
- Eat a minimum of 4x per day timed out 3 hours apart.
Lately it's been an apple and green tea for breakfast, veg and lean meat for lunch, veg and lean meat for dinner, and snacks of fruit, high fiber or protein stuff. I only eat like one carb per day and like no sugar.
I'm hungry as I type this... I drank some water.
I COULD allow myself another 100 cals right now, but I get scared at night to allow myself to eat. I un-do myself at night the most often. That's when the binge monster comes out... I have kept the binge foods out of the house right now aside from a box of honey buns. Those I placed in the pantry so high up I would need a step ladder to get them so that if I have the urge, I have to put in effort that allows me to think about how fat of a cow I am that I would pull it out to climb up and get them. I have zero ability to resist them. I could literally fantasize about them, and I wish I had not bought them, but my kids love them... I think also it's a bit of a test for me to see if I can handle it. I should not be testing myself, but I also kind of want to.
The only thing I have been less successful with is exercise right now... I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning and accomplish that or really push myself to do it. I think I have been a little sick, but I know it's something I need to get in there sooner rather than later.
I don't want to look like Gin. She is doing Keto and looks strangely deflated because of her weightloss being just from food and not working out. I think it's a terrible look, and I don't want to follow suit. A lot of people I know who are doing Keto look deflated.
I decided that after I lose 10lbs I am going to allow myself a cheat meal on a Monday evening. Then I at least can put that thought in my head when I feel like I REALLY want to eat a meal. Eating only about 200-300 calories in a sitting does not feel satisfying, but feeling unsatisfied is going to happen regardless - either physically or emotionally, and I prefer the physical at this time. I'm so TIRED of being fat I could kill myself.
I had a moment this weekend where I realized I don't want to be that girl that when people see old photos can't believe how good she looked and get a wave of pity that washes over them for her. I want to STAY hot, not just have been that way in the past. Like my mom. She was one of those hot women who let having kids ruin her beauty. Then the outer beauty fading became the inner beauty fading, and I don't think she ever got it back. She hates her life and body and is miserable, and I do not want to feel that way. I've felt that way for like 2 years now, but I am not going to stay like this.
I feel like I'm adjusting to work recently. It's been hard, and there have been a lot of adjustments. I have called out a lot, and I KNOW the only reason it's ok is because my boss protects me. She and I have a strange friendship where I feel like she kind of idolizes me... It feels like high school. And I have used it to my advantage and do not intend to let it slip away. But I need a stretch of not calling out for a few months before someone else notices who outranks her and I get fired.
I need my mental and physical health to improve and to stop fucking whining about it in the interim.
No comments:
Post a Comment