Friday, June 11, 2010

I got emotional

I said I wasn't going to get emotional, but I did... VERY emotional.

I am going to confess it here... Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned. I got emotional, full of self-loathing, longing to hole up and never again see the light of day.

And then I snapped.

I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday binge-eating without purging. We're talking that too-full, bloaty, uncomfortable feeling.

All. Day.

I wanted to die.

The fiance was gone all day, and I was home alone, and I cried and ate and ate and ate. I don't think I've eaten like that since high school, when my ED first started.

I felt disgusting and mad, but I just couldn't stop. My stomach was so full, it looked stretched like I was pregnant. I felt like I was. I had indigestion all day and took laxatives to compensate for the fact that after all that junk, I would have trouble with the BM's. (I was right. Thank GOD I took them.)

Chocolate and cereal and sandwiches and pretzels and cheese and crackers and quesadillas and cookies and all KINDS of shit I do not allow myself.

I didn't care. I had lost the will to lose. I wanted to feel better, feel full, but I took it too far, and once I started I couldn't stop.

I was horrified with myself.

I still am when I think about it.

Then today, it's like someone flipped a switch.

I did not eat anything today. I only drank water.

This is not my usual behavior, but after yesterday, every time I felt hungry, it was replaced with guilt. I just wanted to DIE when I thought about what I had done. I wanted to go into the bathroom with a sharp knife and cut the fat off of my body. I wanted to cry and thrash around, and lament over my behavior.

But instead, I starved.

Every time I thought of food, I thought about how severely fat I am, and how I behaved yesterday, and I thought, "If I don't take the first bite, I will be able to just move on. It can't start if you don't take the first bite."

So I didn't.

No first bite. No last bite. No bites at all. No longing for them.

I fasted an entire day, and it is now bed time.

My goal is to fast tomorrow as well, and decide tomorrow night whether or not to continue with Saturday as well.

No more than 3 days, but it would be AWESOME if I could go at least 2 days... And maybe juice on Saturday, or something like that.

I think I can... I just won't take the first bite.

I have to make up for yesterday... I have to be thin.

And I have to stop hating myself and my body.

And the only way to do this is to starve.

2 comments:

  1. Fasting fixes everything - my mood, my belly.. well they're the two important things haha. Hope it does the same for you :)
    xx

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  2. "No first bite. No last bite. No bites at all. No longing for them."

    I love that quote. Because it's all about the bites; the second I take a bite, I feel compelled to finish what I've started. Last bites from then out are excuses to eat that day. You can't miss what you haven't tasted that day...

    xo
    Victoria

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