Thursday, September 6, 2012

Moving on

I went out after work with Gerard. We talked about Bird. He tells me Bird was blabbing about how hot I am... I know to try to keep Gerard away from me.

Bird begs me Friday to come out with him alone. I can't. Not possible. I have a boyfriend... He drunk texts me later, saying he wants to marry me. I only talk for a few mins and abruptly end the convo.

Saturday I don't see him, and when he texts me I don't reply.

I plan on the same today.

Gerard warned me. I ignored it. He warned me again the other night, and I know if I ignore it this time, I'd really be fucking up.

It's hard. I thought about Bird a lot last night, but this attachment is not good or healthy and I honestly just need it to stop...

4 comments:

  1. this too shall pass
    i promise

    xoxo
    daisy <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi -
    I stumbled upon your blog because I was Tineye-ing a picture of a cute girl - you had posted her as thinspiration.

    I've got precious little in common with you: I'm a guy, old (40s), unmarried, uninvolved, etc. etc. etc. But I wanted to say that just poking around your blog at random for 15 minutes, reading random bits of your life over the past years...it just really moved me and I hope you're off finding/creating some happiness for yourself. It's so hard, so ridiculously hard. And it *should* be so easy, or so they tell us.

    Actually, I guess I was working on a male version of ED when I was younger - I was convinced that I was grotesquely fat from the time I was in 4th grade. In high school I started doing fasts for a week, two weeks. In my sophomore year of college I went about 74 days without eating any solid food - juice, vegetable broth with dehydrated onion flakes, a banana/apple juice/blueberry smoothie in the blender 2-3 times a week. Lost about 58 lbs. in 74 days and felt really great for awhile. Gained it all back over the next two years, naturally, but it felt good while it lasted.

    Now my basic problem is regular boring unipolar major depressive disorder. Most days I just don't want to be alive. I've felt like that most of my life, in a way not dissimilar to the way that you seem to feel about yourself and your body. For me it's an insidious shadow: Even when things are going well, I know it's back there, hovering just over my shoulder, waiting for an opportunity to get behind the wheel and head off the bridge. I take the fistfuls of antidepressants, see my shrink, but it all seems like just delaying the inevitable.

    But I can still feel, at least right now. That's critical; I know when I completely withdraw from being able to feel anything that I'm getting close to the end. And your blog made me feel, so thanks for that.

    I'm babbling here - my apologies. I just ran into your blog and sort of just identified with the pain so evident in nearly everything you write. I do hope you're doing OK.

    If I could pass along one bit of hard-earned 'wisdom' (having been hospitalized a few times for the depression, one has ample opportunity to ruminate on such things), it would be this question: Is being 'thin' an actual, achievable state?

    It seems to me it's like "being happy" -- you don't cross a finish line from unhappy into happy. There's no bright line between thin/beautiful and not-as-thin/ugly. They're more like moods, not static states.

    You can probably never just "be thin" (i.e., achieve a knowable, definable status that can be measured & successfully monitored). I've seen that you've set numerical goals, but won't there will always be something off, something wrong, something that makes you feel inadequate, ugly, unlovable, etc.?

    I'll never "be happy" - it's not a solid place that you come to. It's a transient, evanescent experience, a temporary mode of living, one that I have to will myself to be open to. And that's hard. It's like looking in the mirror and laughing at the receding hairline instead of endlessly obsessing about it, shrugging about the thighs that used to be rock-hard & defined, giving a rueful smirk at the gray hair starting to appear at my temples.

    Anyway, enough rambling from a stranger. I do wish you all the best.

    - P.

    ReplyDelete
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