Monday, February 22, 2016

I won't settle

I long to be visited by three ghosts. The ghost of relationships past, the ghost of relationships present, and the ghost of relationships yet to come. 

I don't know what to do. Or where to go. I was so happy when he proposed, because I thought it meant no more games or threats to leave or questioning wanting me. I thought that moment meant commitment and a promise that now, no matter what happens, we work things out together as a team. There's no more possibility of walking away. But maybe that's not what he intended. Maybe he doesn't view things like I do. I think it's actually had the opposite effect. 

He's struggling so fucking hard with finding himself, and I'm tired of putting all my energy into that for him. I want him to support me in ways where he's not. And I know he's capable. So either do it or move aside so someone else can. 

This weekend was a bust, and as much as my soul felt peace and closure being in the mountains, it was not the pleasant experience I wanted and needed. 

I think traveling makes us reflect deeply on our feelings and our relationships and our place in the universe. I think free time makes us get in touch with ourselves. And some people only find unpleasant buried things when they do that. 

I'm not buying any more pot. I'm not medicating by drinking anymore. I want a healthy life that feels fulfilling that I actually really and truly experience without being in a fog. I want to experience my feelings and embrace them and express them and feel like a whole person. 

I want to love myself. Because no one can do that for me the way that I can for myself. I always thought the adage "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" was bullshit. And part of me still doesn't fully buy in. But I do think that you have to love yourself before you can be with another person. If you don't love yourself, then you don't have the necessary tools to survive a relationship. 

Today, I almost left him there. And I would not have felt bad. I felt that I love him more than he loves me and questioned every reverse scenario imaginable. With every name he called me and negative thing he said, I just felt more and more sorry for him. It didn't make me feel bad about myself. I know my worth. I know my capabilities and positive qualities and who I am. I'm amazing. People love me. And if this man can't do it the right way, then the problem is him and not me. 

I help people. They thank me for it. No one else in the world resents it except him. And he does because he feels so inadequate and incapable. But there comes a time when there are no more excuses. The only thing that holds us back in life is ourselves. 

It's time for him to choose being a loser or choose to rise above all odds. I don't want to settle. And I won't. I'm 29 today. And I know what I want and who I am. I'm going to get it with hard work and determination and patience. I'm an amazing woman. I won't settle. 

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