Today was a strange, long day.
I went to the dentist; I bought some ingredients to make dinner; I did homework. I felt like I accomplished very little, but just existing today was exhausting. I needed to be more productive than I was. But after this weekend and with what I'm currently feeling, just getting through today without tons of crying or a binge and purge or buying and doing drugs was an huge ordeal that I barely survived.
I want to go to bed. I want to eat dinner and then go to bed. But I don't want to leave him alone feeling like this. And I still have a few things to check off my list before today is over. So, I'll watch our show and eat something and engage when I have to. Just because I know it's healing.
I am so emotionally drained and tired of working and trying. In the past, I would have done nothing except stay in bed today. But, I guess when you have more things counting on you in life and more things you want to do with your life, you don't get to have those days. And lately the pull of responsibility is stronger than the pull of depression. Instead of holing up and ignoring life, I just take in a little bit of life and handle the major things before I allow myself to fall apart or cry or sleep or withdraw.
Is that healthier? I hope so...
I want to get to tomorrow and my clients and see how their weeks have been. I want to go to class and focus on my future and not my present. I want to escape my situation at this current moment. I want to fast forward to change and progress. I want the man in the kitchen who can't even handle chopping a shallot to calm down and learn how to handle things and not resent me for trying to help him. I want him to feel comfort and happiness and capable. I want him to being to support me and not just burden me.
He's right. He has been putting too much on me in life. Too much that I need to release. I need to relinquish control. I need to let him make his own mistakes and sit back and watch and let things happen. I need him to be a whole person who is capable of being there for me. I feel I've handled all of this well. I've become so much stronger and healthier mentally over the past year of my life, it's not even funny. I still allow myself to feel my feelings and to engage in my thoughts, but I don't let anything break me. It's a nice change...
I feel capable. And in control. I feel like I can have anything I want in the whole world. And I feel like I can be full of love and compassion during the entire process.
"I want change AND..." It's such a nice perspective.