It's back. The longing.
I've been bad over the past few months. In a lot of ways. The boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship. Much too rocky for how infantile it is, but he also makes me happy. He told me last night I make him happier than he makes me... It's true. I know that but that's always the case in my relationships; it's not his fault. I really truly love him so much. And I've learned a lot about how fucked up I really am. And how fucked up my relationships have been in the past. I like being with him. I've done a lot of things to compromise it, and yes it was too much too soon. But I like what we have right now. I like where we stand, and I love him.
Gerard and Bird are still around. I fucked Bird. And almost Gerard. I shouldn't have. I didn't even enjoy it. I honestly don't know why I did. They're always available and honestly two of my best friends. It's something I will carry to my grave, and if I believed in regret, I would regret doing it.
I've been doing a lot of drugs. And tons of drinking. Everything I've ever wanted to try I've tried. Weed, pills, blow... With whoever has it and wants to throw down. I love being fucked up. Forgetting my issues and feeling alive and happy. I know I need to get it from other places... Other things... But I can't right now. Everything is shrouded in grey flannel and until I shrug it off this is what I've chosen.
And I'm fat. I think the boyfriend prefers me like this, but I do not. I'm gross. I feel stretched and bloated and grotesque. All my clothes are a little bit tighter and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I've come to learn a lot about my ED over the past couple months. I feel like I understand why I was so intense in the past. And it's not gone by any means, but being with a man who is obsessed with my body when I feel like it looks bad is so comforting... He makes me feel so sexy for the first time in life. He thinks I am and it's a nice change. But I want to get to the point where I think I'm sexy.
So back to the grind for a while. No Mia this time. It's too hard on me. Makes my emotions rage and honestly my constant emotional turmoil that is already present currently in life would create a disaster. So Ana it is. 800 cal max for a bit. And workouts are soon to follow.
I know the quest for happiness is never ending. I just hope that everything I do gets me a little taste.