Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mia is taking over

I'm a weak, fat, terrible individual.

Mia is taking over... My will is growing, but not quickly enough... I TOTALLY binged the past 2 nights and purged like a mo fo.

Purging is becoming nightly ritual.

I was doing lovely... Both days... Barely eating... Then as soon as I get home with the Fiance, I go nuts, eating things I don't even want to mention. A thousand calories in a sitting.

I'm a fucking COW!!!

I mean, are you kidding me!?!?


I need to get this under control. I can't let mia dictate things. It's just too easy and I can't do this. If I keep it up, I won't be able to stop, and I know it.

She's just such an easy out... It's such a release to go to the bathroom, stick my finger down my throat, and erase the mistake I just made. Very rarely can you rewind time, but mia lets me do just that.

But I know it's bad... I know mia is worse for me than ana... I know it.

I'm going to fast today. To punish myself for the past few days. So far I've had water and 2 midols because my period is fucking killing me... My water retention is so bad, I can't ene tell if I've lost anything, though the scale say I'm down a pound...

My ass needs to wake to fuck up and do what I know I'm supposed to do.

My body is in control while I'm lost in my head.

To quote Sophia Ruins.
"My thoughts go on for miles and miles through this barren land of scales and fear of cellulite, and my head is always running."

I'm going crazy lately. I'm constantly conflicted. All I think about is food. I count calories in what those around me eat. I panic when I can't look at a package or google something and I'm forced to eat something.

I'm going totally nuts.

I don't ever want to eat... When I have to, because I'm weak and unable to control myself, it makes me physically sick from fear and guilt and all the throwing up lately. I feel like I'm going to vomit after every bite. Even if it's just straight lettuce.

And when I eat bad food, I feel so guilty. Sometimes, I ignore it and just let myself binge. I tell myself things like, "It's okay... I'm going to let it digest... I can afford these calories... Normal people eat way more than this a day... It's fine..."

But then I feel like every calorie I consumed is immediately absorbing as fat into my body. I get so freaked out that I just let myself binge and I tell myself that I'll be okay. But I never do. I know from the beginning. From the first bite that I'm going to purge as soon as I'm done.

So, I methodically plan my binged. I eat things that will come up easily. I chew each bite to a small pulp. I drink tons of liquid so it comes up easier. And then I purge and purge.

It doesn't even bother me anymore.

It's just too much.

Too much food.

Too much weakness.

Too much social eating.

Too much fiance interference.

And on that note, I am soo tired of not being able to update for real because the fiance hasn't started his job yet...

I'm never home alone, and the other day I was updating in the computer room (next to the gym) at my apartment complex, and he barged in and interrupted me... Freaking out because I was late and I hadn't come back to the apartment yet... Because I told him I was going to the gym after work and it was POURING rain, so I didn't bother to go up to greet him before...

Excuse the fuck out of me.

It made me mad. I mean I know it's because he loves me, but I TOLD him. And I want some goddamn privacy!

I would KILL for some alone time every freakin' once in a while.

Hopefully once he starts working, our schedules will allow us to be apart occasionally... Though he's going to be working with me... Which i don't mind because it's WORK and I can't update there anyway.

He's on to me lately... He keeps asking why I click away from what I'm doing when he comes over, what site I'm typing so much on, etc...

I don't think he suspects THIS, but I need to be sneakier... Definitely on the office computers though... I can get away with that...

Anyway...

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette... I'm trying to decide if I should being an orange to work, or if I should say I'm not going to eat at all... And not bring any $$ to work so I can't eat anything there... Though that fucking nasty bread I don't even like is always readily available...

Fuck my lack of self-control.







3 comments:

  1. i find its so much harder when i can't blog, its as if there is no outlet for my crazy food/weigh/exercise thoughts.

    good luck on your fast.

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  2. I. Hate. These. Days.
    You can find your way. Seems hopeless, but you can.

    I've had 4,000 calorie chocolate binges, so stop worrying. NOW!

    With the words of Fiona Apple, "Fast As You Can."

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. i forgot to ask, how do u mia with your fiance in the house? how do u cover up the noise?

    ReplyDelete