Thursday, September 8, 2011

Intake, emotions, and life

Yesterday's intake was low.

B: Water.
L: Salad - 125
D: Zucchini and tomato sauce with turkey - 250
Total: 375 cals.

Today's planned eats:
B: Sugar free red bull - 10 cals
L: Salad - 150 cals
D: Fish and veggies - 200 cals
Total: 360 cals.

I've been a mess lately. I got really emotional on Tuesday, had a minor panic attach, almost fainted in the parking lot at the grocery store... It wasn't about food, just about life.

I had to get re-centered and re-focused. I had to go out and have fun this weekend. I had to cut back on my drugs. And that has been HARD.

My issue is that I'm an emotional eater, so when I get upset or angry, I eat. I eat crap and then I feel like crap and can't handle myself SO much that really destructive behavior starts to surface.

So I've realized that if I sedate with drugs instead of food, I don't feel as bad about myself afterward... The issue is that I don't see how any of them are harmful. I can justify taking almost all of them.

But I know I need to cut back. And I have been.

Do I plan to give them all up completely? Absolutely not. I like them. But I'm not taking everything every day any more. And I feel like I'm back in control now. Like if I don't have any, it's not a big deal. Like if I could never get them again, I'd be okay.

I feel more at peace with things.

Now I just wish I felt more at peace with my body. The flippin' weekend got to me again, and I gained a couple pounds. Nothing too serious, and most of it's gone after only 2 days of restricting, so I'm back on track...

But goodness I want to be thin and fit.

My plan this week is to re-train. Re-establish my routine and rules and get my ass out of bed earlier. Next week the plan is to wake up early and get shit done so that when I come home I can study for the GRE.

I need to change my life. I need to change my body.

I need to become who I really am on the inside.


  1. Glad to hear that you can deal without the drugs. I used to indulge in mind-numbing substances too, but I started to realize that the "lows" that came with the "highs" triggered me to eat more. I too am an emotional-eater. :o| It's tough to break the habit.

  2. I'm glad you're feeling better about the drugs :) and I'm an emotional eater too :/
    It's great you're feeling so motivated to loose weight and get back into gear! You will be thin and fit before you know it :)
    Lottie x

  3. Hey there, I've noticed that a bunch of blogs have mysteriously "poofed" in the last few days. I'm concerned that Blogger is deleting pro-ana-type blogs. Could you help me get the word out? (People can save a copy of their blog under Settings.)

  4. I hate when everything in life is ok except for one thing, like the body. its just never right. i think all girls eat when we get sad, but what can ya do? stay in a good mindset and keep that peace, it'll make not eating a whole lot easier. Keep strong <3! great intake, btw :)