Thursday, September 8, 2011
Intake, emotions, and life
Yesterday's intake was low.
L: Salad - 125
D: Zucchini and tomato sauce with turkey - 250
Total: 375 cals.
Today's planned eats:
B: Sugar free red bull - 10 cals
L: Salad - 150 cals
D: Fish and veggies - 200 cals
Total: 360 cals.
I've been a mess lately. I got really emotional on Tuesday, had a minor panic attach, almost fainted in the parking lot at the grocery store... It wasn't about food, just about life.
I had to get re-centered and re-focused. I had to go out and have fun this weekend. I had to cut back on my drugs. And that has been HARD.
My issue is that I'm an emotional eater, so when I get upset or angry, I eat. I eat crap and then I feel like crap and can't handle myself SO much that really destructive behavior starts to surface.
So I've realized that if I sedate with drugs instead of food, I don't feel as bad about myself afterward... The issue is that I don't see how any of them are harmful. I can justify taking almost all of them.
But I know I need to cut back. And I have been.
Do I plan to give them all up completely? Absolutely not. I like them. But I'm not taking everything every day any more. And I feel like I'm back in control now. Like if I don't have any, it's not a big deal. Like if I could never get them again, I'd be okay.
I feel more at peace with things.
Now I just wish I felt more at peace with my body. The flippin' weekend got to me again, and I gained a couple pounds. Nothing too serious, and most of it's gone after only 2 days of restricting, so I'm back on track...
But goodness I want to be thin and fit.
My plan this week is to re-train. Re-establish my routine and rules and get my ass out of bed earlier. Next week the plan is to wake up early and get shit done so that when I come home I can study for the GRE.
I need to change my life. I need to change my body.
I need to become who I really am on the inside.