I am so incredibly depressed right now.
Last night was shitty, shitty, shitty.
I strolled into work in a good mood. I had only eaten a little, and I was feeling pretty good.
And then.. Shit hit the fan. My manager, chef, bartender, and busser were all SO pissed off about SO much that it was affecting everyone on staff. Servers started arguing, everyone was getting frustrated and picked on and yelled at.
It was total bullshit.
SO, I went to all 4 of the problem causers and told them they needed to calm the fuck down or we were going to have a shit-tacular night because we had like 200 reservations. (It's been insanely busy because it's tourist season.)
Then new girl who fucked Chevy was supposed to come in and food run, and she was LATE as USUAL. And she had on this shirt that showed her entire fucking chest, and I'm sorry but I HATE her so much. I had to hear from everything with a penis about how nice her boobs are, etc. And THEN when she was done, she went upstairs and changed into her "going out" clothes and traipsed around the kitchen wearing practically nothing. And she does this all the time, and I am so SICK of it. I really hate her, and she tries to befriend me every fucking night.
And then I just had a rough night. I was physically and mentally exhausted and not in the mood and SO over it. I am starting to hate my job. I know I can do so much better, but I'm stuck there right now. I won't make this much money anywhere else at the time being, and I don't want to go through the stress of job-hunting, so there you have it. I'm stuck there. I have a wedding to pay for.
Then when I was sitting down at the end of my night doing paperwork, and James came over. And he works in another department, but normally he hangs around in the restaurant quite a bit. BUT lately, he's been MIA. And when he is around, he's in a pissy mood. But last night he sat with us while we did out paperwork, and I asked him where he's been, and he said he's "tired of the drama in the restaurant." And I know he's discussing me and Chevy and new girl. I'm not stupid. And I said something along the lines of the drama being over and KB was talking to us about it, etc. And I said something about Chevy avoiding new girl like the plague and he comes off with, "You're so in love with him!" and I was like, "No, I'm not. I barely speak to him. You have no idea what's been going on." And he brushed it off and was like, "Whatever, I'm tired of the drama." And I was like, "It's a restaurant. There will always be drama." And he's like, "That's why I haven't been around." And I was like, "Yeah well, there's drama everywhere." And he was like, "No just in restaurants because everyone's like a highschool drop out."
That pissed me OFF.
And I was like, "Thanks a lot." And he was like, "I didn't mean it like that about you." And I was like, "Whatever." And he stands up ans he's like, "Whatever, I'm out of here."
I almost started crying. I had to fight it really hard.
I have a fucking BACHELOR'S DEGREE, okay? I put my fucking time in school. 4 years. Whereas you, James, did not. No, you went off and joined the fucking circus (no joke) and went to jail and rehab. While you were fucking your life up, I was trying to make something of my life. And yeah, I'm a fucking server and I HATE it and I'm not proud of it, but I make more money than YOU, and at least one day I won't be a server anymore, and I'll have made something of my life. Whereas you'll always be a single, bitter fuck-up who it getting too old to be datable and is so offensive no one even wants to talk to you.
SO FUCK YOU.
I was so fed up I ranted to KB and Andy and both of them were telling me it's okay.
But it's NOT okay. I want to move back home, and I still have another fucking year left in this town that I can't move away from. I thought when I moved here that I'd be happy by now, but I'm not. I hate this town and the fucking people here, I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate missing my godson's birthday and what's going on in my brother's life and seeing all of my friends, and I hate that my only "friends" here aren't really my friends and that I know that once I move away I won't speak to most of them again.
I went home and binged. I had leftover pizza, BBQ chicken, cookies, mint patties, mashed potatoes... I didn't even throw it up, I just went to bed and let all of the fat absorb into my already obese body.
I'm so upset because the fiance is the only good thing in my life. I feel so trapped and alone and upset and ugly and depressed. He hugged me and talked to me late into the night until I fell asleep.
What sucks the most about this is I can't DO anything about it. I have no control over this.