Sunday, October 25, 2009

Back to the lows

SO, yesterday morning I weighed myself, and I had LOSTTT the weight.

Thank Jesus.

My goal today is to eat around 400 cals and do my pilates video.

If I do this, I can go to dinner with the BF tomorrow... And then back to a week of being good followed by one reward of some kind. I like this system.

I think this is my next reward:

It's on clearance on and I want, want, WANT it! I hope they have my size when the time comes. If not maybe I can buy a M and shrink it...

But anyway...

Friday night was bad. I got WASTED. Had 3 cocktails at work after my shift and then went out had 2 beers and a shot. And I pigged the fuck out... Wings and fried mushrooms with loads of ranch. And I didn't hesitate one millisecond to go into the bathroom as soon as I was done feasting (while still at the bar) and purge. It's so EASY when you're drunk because your inhibitions are gone and the food in your now engorged stomach is floating around in liquid quite nicely.

Then I came home and while the fiance was taking the dog out to pee, I threw up anything that might have escaped this first purge.

I need to stop drinking.

First off, it's WAY too many calories and then I feel less worried about my body and I EAT. And then I think, "Ah, whatever!" and I purge. EVERY time.

While we're on the subject (sort of) I noticed a pattern with my "fasting" as well. I don't think I fast properly. Whenever I fast, I get SO hungry and my blood sugar gets SO low I end up eating like 1,000 cals in a sitting. NOT good! (Understatement!) And the last 2 times I attempted a fast, I got physically sick, and kind of fainted the last time...

So we're going to hold off on fasting for a while until my weight stops coming off as easily as it is now and until I figure out what I'm doing wrong and do some research.

And yet another tangent...

The other day at work, KB and I were chatting, and she was talking to me about how I'm looking thinner, etc. And she was lamenting that she lost weight a while back (She did. It was noticeable.) and gained it all back like 2 weeks later (She did. It was noticeable.) and how she wants so badly to be thinner.

And she kind of knows I have an ED, (because I semi-drunkenly told her one night after work) but I don't think she knows how bad I do... I don't think she GETS it.

And last night she asked me what I "did." I laughed. And I said, "You know, but you don't know." And she said, "I want to do what you do." And I looked her square in the face and said. "You do NOT want to do what I do."

It made me frustrated a bit. I love her, so I wasn't pissed off... But definitely frustrated.

I see people all around me all the time who eat "normally" who eat foods with bread and cheese and grease and FLAVOR and don't even bat an eyelash. Who don't calculate complex algebraic caloric equations in their heads. Who don't count glasses of water or diet pills or laxatives who don't chew bites really tiny and drink lots of liquid so they can purge if need be... I see fat girls getting fatter and those who are blessed to be naturally skinny maintaining that same perfect weight.

And it makes me SICK.

It makes me jealous and disgusted and feel sad for them but also long to BE them all at the same time.

You can't just "do what I do."

This is who I am.

I can't just give you pointers on eating like an ana girl and you lose weight. It's a part of me. I can't help the feelings behind the actions. I can't stop my behavior. And I can't give you the kind of willpower it takes to wake up in the morning starving after a night of purging and completely ignore food, ignore you aching, trembling stomach because the scale says you weigh one pound more than yesterday.

You can't just "do" this, and anyone who doesn't have their whole life wrapped around their intake/output/calories/weight/inches/blubber/bones/hips/thighs/stomach/food/lack of food isn't going to get it.

But anyway...

Today's plan:
Do my workout.
Possibly a nappp!
B: Coffee
Showerrr and get ready for work.
L: Salad from Chik-fil-a w/fat free honey mustard dressing.
D: Apple

This is around 320, so I may allow myself something else, but maybe not.

Thinspo, in video form today, ladies. Because I'm lazy and I love this song.

1 comment:

  1. i totally agree about not being able to ''do'' what one does,it all just is in your head, and that's it.. hell i would've quit if i could..