Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Horrified and bored

I've been good lately. 

Not feeling good, but acting good. It's been a long time since I behaved myself. Over two years. It's boring and horrifying.

I'm scared that the past couple months will wear off. That his behavior will go back to what it was before. That he will become that old person he was before, but I will be reinvested and devastated worse than ever. 

When I think about the past I get angry. I don't know why he had to put me through that. Put us through that. I would have been good from day one if he had been. But he wasn't. And so I did what I wanted to do as well. He stepped on me so I dug a knife into his back. 

I don't know how to move on from the past, though. Any time I feel badly or suspect he's acting bad or think about how he acted in the past, I immediately want to rush to my backup person. I have always had one... 

Right now I don't because I basically cut all ties. But not really. I know he would still be available if I wanted. Even though I don't have his phone number, I have ways to get in touch with him. If I want another backup I know I can always find another one too... Not just Bogs. 

But I've been trying to just trust the man I love. Believe he loves me and only me.  Relieve he wants me and only me. It's difficult and makes me angry. I thought time would heal this, but it hasn't. 

It's difficult to restart a relationship that was once working so poorly. Even though he's finally doing everything he promised me, I just wonder how long it will last and if I made the right decision by letting him back into my life. 

I'm horrified. And slightly bored. 

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